[ It's not often that Inigo spends a day on the train like this. But maybe it's exactly what they needed - or maybe the one thing they can handle after how that mission ended.
It's already later into the day, sometime during the afternoon - or whatever passes for an afternoon on the train, anyway - and Inigo and Tidus are still in bed. Inigo has had plenty of reasons to be glad that they moved into their own little private double room, but this is one to add to the books: it sure makes it easier to just stay in bed together.
Not that they haven't done at least some stuff. They put up some of the things they (or, well, mostly Tidus, since he's the ideas guy) took along from that odd city, making the room feel even a little bit more like it's theirs.
It's after Inigo lets his gaze linger on the lamp filled with jellyfish for what feels like the umpteenth time that he rolls over, facing Tidus again. It's hard to see the other without thinking of the amount of pained faces he's seen the other make only just the other day, honestly. Inigo is thinking of it even now.
.. He's thinking of the way Tidus disappeared back there, even now.
Inigo hasn't brought it up earlier. Too distracted by the relief of ther reunion right after the fact, and then there just hadn't been time between saving civilians, and then.. well, then the illusion that brought both of them down. ]
Tidus. [ He says, softly, half-muffled by the way he's leaning so heavily on the mattress below them, his cheek smushed against it. ] Can I.. ask something?
[ It's been a day of finding anything that doesn't require brain power. It's usually like this, missions that ask for too much fighting and a lot of magic, and magic turns the entirety of the space where his brain should be into fog central, where focus is a distant cousin. This time however, there isn't the usual exhaustion from magic or endless fighting that commonly haunts their objectives.
It's closer to the days after Yuna left. Where all he wants to do is to never move from his bed, not have to think about the rest of the train or anything. Except this time, he has company; more than a cabinmate returning for their own want or like, but a bedmate. A friend. Company he doesn't want to ignore or send away.
Company to share in this recovery after mystery, though looking Inigo in the face makes him want to cry sometimes. Has led to a few tears being shed already.
But there's been some distractions. Games aren't on the menu, but going through the haul from the city was something. A giant mess mainly and too many electronics in Inigo's presence, but there's a few bits and bobs for them to keep. Tidus is curled up with one of the old magazines opened, idly looking the pictures, pieces of chocolate blocks half-forgotten with tiny bits crumbled off to make a mess one way or another.
Tidus looks away from the book over to Inigo, when he speaks up. ] Mmm?
[ Inigo has practiced this question probably at least five times over in his brain, trying to find the perfect way to say it.
But there isn't a perfect way, right? Judging by how Tidus seemed when he came out of that illusion, it has to be a painful point for him. And he's never mentioned anything about fading or disappearing to Inigo - not that he can think of, anyway. There must be a good reason why Tidus kept it to himself, it not just because it was too hard to talk about. So.. ]
If you don't want to talk about this.. then.. um, that's okay. [ It's the disclaimer he has to start with here, not wanting to force Tidus into more hurt, when the other has suffered so much already. When they both have suffered enough to be in here together, rather than out there like usually, laughing with everyone. ]
But.. why did you disappear back there..? When we were with Taiki.
[ Oh. Tidus never knew how it really looked from the outside, and he didn't remember the words said around then. He said a lot of things, he knows; rambling and just relieved to be with the two again, and it was nice to put behind them.
But even so- Tidus eyes the folded magazine, the pictures he hadn't really been looking at. Quiet, thinking, not exactly coming to a decision, but... ]
I kept meaning to tell you, [ he admits, voice quiet. The colours look like deeper parts of the ocean with his eyes slightly out of focus. ] Back on that one mission. I didn't forget; but I guess I can't keep putting it off.
[ There's a casual air to his words, feigned. He makes the book disappear under his touch, but his gaze doesn't move particularly far. Head leaning back on the pillow, Tidus continuing to ignore the blocks of chocolate.
...It's hard to begin, to know how to. He closes his eyes, breathes; knows Inigo said he doesn't need to speak, but- he does. He should. ]
...If I lose my SCA, that's what'll happen, [ he finally gets out, eyes still closed. Emotion already wanting to catch in his throat, but Tidus refuses it to come so soon. At all. ] I'm... everyone I grew up was a dream. A dream of people...who wanted to keep their city alive after a war. But they dreamed too long.
[ He doesn't want to look at Inigo, but keeping his eyes closed the entire time feels off, and he looks at the space of their pillows, a hand by his throat fiddling with the chain of his necklace. ]
That's why, [ he finishes a little lamely, not knowing how else to do so. His mind in that tired kind of place. ]
[ Inigo isn't sure what answer he expects as he lays there, watching Tidus as the other speaks.
This one wasn't really it. Even though he could have pieced it together, he's slowly realising. After all, Tidus told him a lot of things. He told him that going home meant being far away from the world and people he knew. That he couldn't be with Yuna there, and Inigo had figured it was the reason Tidus was so upset after Yuna left the train.
But he didn't think it'd be because of this. Because Tidus is a literal boy of dreams, only held together by the mercy of the train's tether, dependent on the SCA.
Inigo is quiet for a few moments even after Tidus finishes - mostly unsure of what to say. What do you even say to that? Especially when he can tell the way Tidus talks is a little awkward, a little difficult. It's not easy for him to talk about. (And why would it be, since Tidus is basically saying he isn't real?)
Nor is it easy for him to listen to. It feels like there's a flood of emotions slowly approaching, like a tsunami in the distance, and he doesn't know what to say to stay ahead of it. ]
So.. that's what will happen when you go home..? You'll just.. disappear..?
They're heavy words, a heavy truth. Once he won't deny, and for his fears that circle around it, the death he doesn't want, isn't it an end he's come to accept over and over? It's as difficult to confirm as it was to share, a sting to his eyes. Tidus doesn't cry; he just speaks as slowly as he has been, throat tight. ]
Not unless I can find a way to stay, [ he says wryly. ] But I don't know any. And I've been gone already...for two years.
[ And he'll be gone for more because the dead don't come back. Not the dead like him.
He lets his eyes nearly close again, pushing the side of his head into his pillow. ]
I've accepted it. [ Strongly, he'll say it. Mean it. ] Sometimes - people die, and it happens young and it sucks, but - [ Breathe. ] ...but the rest of Spira is safe. Yuna's safe.
[ And so much more, but Tidus doesn't want to dig in, when those two reasons are enough. I'm gone, but Yuna isn't, and she gets to be safe. What more could he ask for? ]
[ It's said quickly. Maybe a bit too quickly. Because Inigo can hear the tone Tidus talks with. So final, determined, as if it's something he's already had to think about for a long time, something he's forced himself to come to terms with.
But at the same time.. he can't help but think of what happened during the mission. The way Tidus looked after he and Taiki dragged him out of the illusion. The terror on his face at first, and then the sheer relief to be alive. To still be with them.
Even if Tidus has accepted it, it doesn't mean he's okay with it. It doesn't mean it's what he wants.
Hence why Inigo can't help but pipe up with this. He suddenly moves up, pushing himself up with his hands on the mattress and holding himself up like that, staring over at Tidus with wide eyes and hasty speech. ]
I know it can't be that easy, but.. we're in different worlds all the time now! There could be ways out there for you to be able to keep existing, no matter what. I'll help you look!
[ Maybe it comes from a kind of denial. The way that it's easier to present this, to believe this, than to come to terms himself with the idea of Tidus, so full of life and laughter, fading into nothing. He can still feel the near heartattack that gave him during the mission. ]
I know you want to live.
[ Even if Yuna is okay, and Spira is okay--
That doesn't mean Tidus doesn't deserve to be okay too, even if it's a more difficult end goal to get to. ]
[ None of this is unexpected. The exclamation, the determination - the hope, the need to believe - that Inigo wears so well. Tidus is slow to follow his change of direction above him, but he looks at him with a heaviness in his heart.
It's not that he doesn't want to find a way, to hope it too himself, but -
I know you want to live. ]
I...don't know how to start looking. [ It's not a denial, nor a refusal, but a truth that's been holding him back. Unsure if this weight in his gut is shame or a pre-emptive measure to stop him from getting his hopes up. Is that enough reason to never start?
But it's there anyway. A blockade. He should have more to say about preserving his own life, but he's kept it so well tucked to himself as an inevitability, he doesn't want to discourage Inigo either. ]
People dreamed to keep me alive. I don't know what you do to keep me going without someone else.
Me neither. [ At least he's quick to admit that much. After all, this isn't something Inigo can pull out his usual dumb bluffing over. It's too important. It's about Tidus's very existence.
But exactly because it's about that, Inigo doesn't want to give up so easily, shaking his head. ]
But we could do a lot of things. We could look up random words that might help with it, see if the train knows any books related to it. We could ask around with people who are good with magic, or other related stuff.. We can even keep an eye out for anything in the worlds we visit!
[ Inigo doesn't know if any of it will help. But he's willing to try absolutely everything. This is something he has to have hope for, so much so that he's practically radiating it now, as he's moving to instead sit on his knees on the bed. ]
I mean.. it's not over until it's over, right? [ It's meant to give hope, that last 'right?', but at the same time Inigo sounds like he desperately wants that confirmation too. Because he can't bear the thought of Tidus living some temporary life here, not knowing when it might be over and he'll fade away. ]
[ It's weak -- at least, weaker in comparison to the resolve in front of him, the guy searching for the other to be onboard. And Tidus is, despite the difference, despite the uncertainty that holds onto him. But he knows a guy like Inigo needs more than a weak agreement, rubbing at his face, sucking in a breath that's loud on the way out. ]
I know - you're right, [ he confirms, reassures. ] It's just hard to think about, you know? I don't...want to get too excited. [ Is maybe more honest, far more realistic than his optimism usually goes for. ]
But we can look into it. See what's...out there.
[ Even if he should be more enthused for his own life, but it's been a long couple of days, here. ]
At least it's not the droop of discouragement. After all, Tidus is reassuring him, and Inigo is listening to the other well enough to be able to pick up on that - that Tidus does want to try.
But that he also has his own reasons to not quite sound the same way about it as Inigo does. And that's what makes his shoulders droop.
It's sympathy. ]
Yes, I.. I get it. You wouldn't want to get your hopes up too much. [ Especially since - like Tidus says - they still don't have a definite starting point. There's a big possibility that Tidus will never be able to find some way to live, to be more than a dream.
Even though Inigo wants to shove that possibility aside as hard as he can.
He flops down on the bed again, but this time a lot closer to Tidus - practically scooted right up to the other's side, helped by their new double bed. ]
But still.. I want to believe there's some chance out there. Somewhere. We just have to find it. [ And then the question is more if they can find it, rather than whether it exists at all.
He prefers the former question. ]
And I'll do anything I can for that. I mean, I.. I really don't want you to disappear.
[ Please mind the small pile of chocolate chunks, Inigo. Tidus rests his head back comfortably to the pillow as Inigo comes back to rest with him, a calm about him, despite the contradiction of emotion he can sense lingering behind some peak. But it's far away not to bother him, at least not prompted now to; eyes lingering on Inigo for a moment before it goes to the space between them, a small smile playing on his face.
He's a good friend. Really. ]
...I never wanted to tell you, 'cause I was afraid of making you sad. I didn't want to ruin your day like that. [ Ha- even though he knew Inigo would have always wanted to know, that he promised him.
Still. ]
Funny, huh? [ His eyes flicker on Inigo, just for a second. ] Being a dream? I don't even get any cool powers from it.
[ He's going to have an entirely brown back when he gets up later.
Inigo smiles back at Tidus, though it's similar small, considering the sheer weight of the topic hanging over them, the thought of it still settling into Inigo's heart even now. ]
.. yeah. Imagine if you could.. fire dream beams.
[ Look, that's just what all magic seems like to him, okay. You fire something magical. That's clearly how dream powers would work.
He releases a breath, rolling onto his back. ]
Thank you though. For.. um, thinking of me. [ Even though Tidus is the one who mostly has to live with something this heavy. Even though it can't have been easy for him, he was still thinking about Inigo, about how hard it'd be on him to know. ] It's not that it doesn't make me sad right now..
[ Or rather, Inigo can imagine him really having been much more worried and sad about this under other circumstances. But maybe it's everything about the previous mission. How they did manage to pull Tidus back out of that illusion of having disappeared, how close he and Tidus had been that entire mission.
.. Even how it ended, he thinks, as a hand travels back over the healed section of his stomach.
It's made him feel close enough to Tidus to have faith. To want to try to see this positively. ]
But.. I want to believe we'll find a way as long as we're both here. We can't have your entire existence relying on a dumb train.
[ Tidus appreciates the attempt to follow the joke, a chuckle hummed in his throat that tugs at his lips. He puts a hand over the sweets that haven't been squished by Inigo and sends them away back into his arms band, no appetite in him for them. Real food from the kitchen might be an idea (if there was any), but he might be compelled to get up for any later. It's comfortable still to be laying here with Inigo, though--
though he catches where his hand moves towards his lower stomach, and guilt stabs him (the irony). Tidus looks away, shuts his eyes, and whatever Inigo's saying gets half-lost in the guilt left over. ]
I... yeah, [ he breathes. And despite what feels right, wrong, he opens his eyes, grabs that hand by Inigo's stomach and squeezes it tight in both of his. ]
Inigo, I...
[ I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But this isn't a place he should go into again, spilling out apologies and tears until his throat grows raw; they've already been there, with and without words spoken. And yet his throat tinges, his eyes blinker a little wetter.
Without letting go of their joint hands, he rolls back over onto his side, so he can look at Tidus. Leaning his face closer, he places a gentle kiss on the other's cheek. If Tidus looks over at him, he'll find nothing but a smile on Inigo's face. ]
I'm really excited for my birthday party.
[ Nothing about it sounds like a lie, though he is being very positive on purpose here. He can tell what was coming, what kind of thoughts must be circling around in Tidus's head when he takes on that tone.
And that's why Inigo deems it his duty right now to try and chase them away as much as he can. If not just by being overly sappy. ]
It's going to be my first one in forever. And you're going to be there. What's not to love about it then, hm?
[ He pokes at the side of Tidus's face, his nose poking gently against the other's cheek until he can get that head to turn in his direction. The moment he does, Inigo gently moves his forehead until it rests right against Tidus's, the big smile still on his face. ]
You better have gotten Taiki a really cute gift. Or is the party a gift?
[ (He may also be suddenly realising he totally forgot to grab Taiki a present because he couldn't find anything in that world that he thought suited Taiki-- UGH, INIGO, FILE THAT AWAY FOR LATER. DON'T FORGET, YOU FOOL.) ]
[ Whenever Tidus thought about the time he finally told Inigo the truth, it was always devastating. The look that would fall onto Inigo's face, the sound of his voice. And he wasn't completely off, but now that it's here - though it's come about with guilt and the pain of a deeper, more real hurt -, maybe he was always wrong. He thought Inigo would react in a way that wasn't fair. Pictured him less composed, more likely to sink into despair with another cruel notch to reality.
But as Inigo goes along with his request, no fuss beyond the touches of gentleness that are so him, Tidus does lift his head, eyes scrunched some from the close proximity, but - but because he might cry for an entirely different reason. This appreciation that's close to joy. An appreciation that's thankful.
Tidus doesn't cry, but he does pinch his lips tight, press his forehead against Inigo's and continue to hold his hand tightly. ]
I'm getting him a gift, [ he says on a high note, but it lowers as he continues. ] I was thinking... I could get him a book or two on animals. He really likes them. Maybe his own...camera?
I think it sounds good. [ He says, without hesitation. ] He could even use that for lots of different things. If we can't take him along with us on a mission again, he could take photos of things he'd like to share with us. That way we're still a little bit together.
[ And that thought is nice. Because it does bother Inigo that they often can't be with their close friend during these missions, just due to the sheer nature of those missions and due to the sheer nature of Taiki. And he knows Tidus probably feels the same about it, especially with how protective and fond they are of him. ]
.. maybe he could even show lord Gyousou, if he could somehow bring it home with him.
[ Inigo knows Taiki would appreciate it. He smiles and squeezes Tidus's hand. ]
See, you're so good at thinking of creative gifts! I was just thinking of getting him a big animal plush or something. Kind of like my wyvern. [ But something a little less scary. ]
[ Memories to share with Lord Gyousou. Maybe if he got a memoris for Taiki then, it'd be easy to use, and Tidus could show him how to operate it.
Tidus considers the idea, chewing on it some more. But as Inigo goes on, he hums, a small laugh despite- ] Hey, don't put your idea down. That's good too. Do you know what animal?
[ Hmm. ] Something he can sleep with?
[ If it's going to be that big, he might have to either way. But Tidus doesn't want to give ideas - he wants to hear what Inigo's thinking about. ]
[ He nods, the gesture probably more something Tidus can feel while they're this close than something he can see. ]
He seems pretty happy whenever he cuddles with me or with the both of us. And I know it's not the same with a plush, but.. [ His voice trails off in a 'you know' sort of way. Inigo has cuddled with his plush before. There's no shame in it. ]
Figuring out the animal is the harder part. It'd be kind of nice to pick some animal they have a lot of in Tai and that looks pretty cute at the same time, but I'm not sure what that'd be.
[ Really, it's rather nice being this close. An intimacy that he might not really deserve, but their foreheads pressed close is nice, even if- ]
Ahh? An animal... [ His thinking brain has his brow furrowing, and then eyes closing. ] There was one I know... I saw Taiki drawing it once. It had four legs... uh. It was an animal he and Gyousou owned? I think...
[ When even was that? The first time Taiki told him about the 12 Kingdoms of his world? He's doing his best to think back, making small sounds. ]
Ah... hm...
[ It's not going very well. ]
You want me to ask? I bet he won't have any idea - I'll just say I--! ... ... I was curious!
[ Mister 'I was curious'? Then again, maybe Inigo has no right to say it, because he himself is about as subtle as a brick to the face.
But he does figure that Taiki might not catch on. The guy is not really the type to look for ulterior motives, right..? ]
But I'd be grateful if you could ask. [ He adds a moment later, a small smile on his face. ] I just want to make sure he has a great party.
[ NO TIME TO LECTURE INIGO THOUGH ABOUT HOW IT SHOULD BE A GREAT PARTY FOR HIM TOO THOUGH. NUH-UH. Because Inigo is moving on shiftly, trying to grab Tidus's other hand into his hold too, even if it'd mean he has to move a little for it. ]
Right now, though.. I mostly just want to take care of you.
[ Inigo doesn't have to reach far to grab the hand, both near each other, and both already close to Inigo. Tidus will have a better excuse to give at the time when he sees Taiki, he's sure, but then Inigo is turning the conversation back onto him, so he'll leave that subject alone for now.
Grumbling in a hum, his head shifting against its resting spot on the pillow. ]
I don't need taking care of. [ b-baka. ] ...but you need a really great birthday gift too.
[ A beat, and Tidus wiggles their joined hands a bit. ]
[ Now who is turning the conversation away from themselves, huh!!
Though Inigo supposes that just being this close to Tidus and holding his hands is already taking care of him in a way, so he's not going to throw some stink over it. Especially when Tidus's question leaves the door very widely open to sap. ]
You've already given me so much.
[ Material stuff, sure, but Inigo is thinking more of the near- or entirely immaterial. Their shared room that Inigo wanted so much. The ability to kiss Tidus or hold his hands all the time.
Stuff he never imagined he'd have at some point.
And it's nice to be able to remind Tidus of the good stuff he's done for Inigo, rather than the bad stuff about himself - his fate back home - or the bad thing he's done to Inigo. ]
A present. [ Inigo is sapping, and Tidus isn't going unaffected, but he can get that out firmly, eyes closed, embarrassment tickling his cheeks, hands clasped tightly. ] For your birthday. Yours and Taiki's.
[ Is he being serious? Not entirely, but it's good to grapple onto, a soft chuckle leaving his lips. ] You've gotta give me a clue! What did guys where you're from give each other? Do you want another stuffed toy? Hmm, or a really nice outfit...
[ He peeks open an eye, twisting his head a bit to look up at Inigo. ]
You can ask for anything, [ he whispers playfully. ] It's your birthday.
The last time I celebrated my birthday, I was ten. [ So Inigo feels like he can't really reference past birthday presents. Even his friends hadn't been much older than him back then, when he had celebrated their birthdays.. ] I like to think my tastes have changed at least a little since then.
[ Says the guy who loves his oversized plush wyvern. ]
And it's so hard to think of material things! There's more stuff I'd like to do. Like spend time with my friends. [ But that's already happening at the party. ] And I'd like to swim again, but.. you know.
[ That's an eternal problem as long as the train denies them that pool carriage. ]
I already have my dance outfit too, and I'm too nervous to wear that in public anyway.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
llama 13
It's already later into the day, sometime during the afternoon - or whatever passes for an afternoon on the train, anyway - and Inigo and Tidus are still in bed. Inigo has had plenty of reasons to be glad that they moved into their own little private double room, but this is one to add to the books: it sure makes it easier to just stay in bed together.
Not that they haven't done at least some stuff. They put up some of the things they (or, well, mostly Tidus, since he's the ideas guy) took along from that odd city, making the room feel even a little bit more like it's theirs.
It's after Inigo lets his gaze linger on the lamp filled with jellyfish for what feels like the umpteenth time that he rolls over, facing Tidus again. It's hard to see the other without thinking of the amount of pained faces he's seen the other make only just the other day, honestly. Inigo is thinking of it even now.
.. He's thinking of the way Tidus disappeared back there, even now.
Inigo hasn't brought it up earlier. Too distracted by the relief of ther reunion right after the fact, and then there just hadn't been time between saving civilians, and then.. well, then the illusion that brought both of them down. ]
Tidus. [ He says, softly, half-muffled by the way he's leaning so heavily on the mattress below them, his cheek smushed against it. ] Can I.. ask something?
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It's closer to the days after Yuna left. Where all he wants to do is to never move from his bed, not have to think about the rest of the train or anything. Except this time, he has company; more than a cabinmate returning for their own want or like, but a bedmate. A friend. Company he doesn't want to ignore or send away.
Company to share in this recovery after mystery, though looking Inigo in the face makes him want to cry sometimes. Has led to a few tears being shed already.
But there's been some distractions. Games aren't on the menu, but going through the haul from the city was something. A giant mess mainly and too many electronics in Inigo's presence, but there's a few bits and bobs for them to keep. Tidus is curled up with one of the old magazines opened, idly looking the pictures, pieces of chocolate blocks half-forgotten with tiny bits crumbled off to make a mess one way or another.
Tidus looks away from the book over to Inigo, when he speaks up. ] Mmm?
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But there isn't a perfect way, right? Judging by how Tidus seemed when he came out of that illusion, it has to be a painful point for him. And he's never mentioned anything about fading or disappearing to Inigo - not that he can think of, anyway. There must be a good reason why Tidus kept it to himself, it not just because it was too hard to talk about. So.. ]
If you don't want to talk about this.. then.. um, that's okay. [ It's the disclaimer he has to start with here, not wanting to force Tidus into more hurt, when the other has suffered so much already. When they both have suffered enough to be in here together, rather than out there like usually, laughing with everyone. ]
But.. why did you disappear back there..? When we were with Taiki.
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[ Oh. Tidus never knew how it really looked from the outside, and he didn't remember the words said around then. He said a lot of things, he knows; rambling and just relieved to be with the two again, and it was nice to put behind them.
But even so- Tidus eyes the folded magazine, the pictures he hadn't really been looking at. Quiet, thinking, not exactly coming to a decision, but... ]
I kept meaning to tell you, [ he admits, voice quiet. The colours look like deeper parts of the ocean with his eyes slightly out of focus. ] Back on that one mission. I didn't forget; but I guess I can't keep putting it off.
[ There's a casual air to his words, feigned. He makes the book disappear under his touch, but his gaze doesn't move particularly far. Head leaning back on the pillow, Tidus continuing to ignore the blocks of chocolate.
...It's hard to begin, to know how to. He closes his eyes, breathes; knows Inigo said he doesn't need to speak, but- he does. He should. ]
...If I lose my SCA, that's what'll happen, [ he finally gets out, eyes still closed. Emotion already wanting to catch in his throat, but Tidus refuses it to come so soon. At all. ] I'm... everyone I grew up was a dream. A dream of people...who wanted to keep their city alive after a war. But they dreamed too long.
[ He doesn't want to look at Inigo, but keeping his eyes closed the entire time feels off, and he looks at the space of their pillows, a hand by his throat fiddling with the chain of his necklace. ]
That's why, [ he finishes a little lamely, not knowing how else to do so. His mind in that tired kind of place. ]
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This one wasn't really it. Even though he could have pieced it together, he's slowly realising. After all, Tidus told him a lot of things. He told him that going home meant being far away from the world and people he knew. That he couldn't be with Yuna there, and Inigo had figured it was the reason Tidus was so upset after Yuna left the train.
But he didn't think it'd be because of this. Because Tidus is a literal boy of dreams, only held together by the mercy of the train's tether, dependent on the SCA.
Inigo is quiet for a few moments even after Tidus finishes - mostly unsure of what to say. What do you even say to that? Especially when he can tell the way Tidus talks is a little awkward, a little difficult. It's not easy for him to talk about. (And why would it be, since Tidus is basically saying he isn't real?)
Nor is it easy for him to listen to. It feels like there's a flood of emotions slowly approaching, like a tsunami in the distance, and he doesn't know what to say to stay ahead of it. ]
So.. that's what will happen when you go home..? You'll just.. disappear..?
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They're heavy words, a heavy truth. Once he won't deny, and for his fears that circle around it, the death he doesn't want, isn't it an end he's come to accept over and over? It's as difficult to confirm as it was to share, a sting to his eyes. Tidus doesn't cry; he just speaks as slowly as he has been, throat tight. ]
Not unless I can find a way to stay, [ he says wryly. ] But I don't know any. And I've been gone already...for two years.
[ And he'll be gone for more because the dead don't come back. Not the dead like him.
He lets his eyes nearly close again, pushing the side of his head into his pillow. ]
I've accepted it. [ Strongly, he'll say it. Mean it. ] Sometimes - people die, and it happens young and it sucks, but - [ Breathe. ] ...but the rest of Spira is safe. Yuna's safe.
[ And so much more, but Tidus doesn't want to dig in, when those two reasons are enough. I'm gone, but Yuna isn't, and she gets to be safe. What more could he ask for? ]
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[ It's said quickly. Maybe a bit too quickly. Because Inigo can hear the tone Tidus talks with. So final, determined, as if it's something he's already had to think about for a long time, something he's forced himself to come to terms with.
But at the same time.. he can't help but think of what happened during the mission. The way Tidus looked after he and Taiki dragged him out of the illusion. The terror on his face at first, and then the sheer relief to be alive. To still be with them.
Even if Tidus has accepted it, it doesn't mean he's okay with it. It doesn't mean it's what he wants.
Hence why Inigo can't help but pipe up with this. He suddenly moves up, pushing himself up with his hands on the mattress and holding himself up like that, staring over at Tidus with wide eyes and hasty speech. ]
I know it can't be that easy, but.. we're in different worlds all the time now! There could be ways out there for you to be able to keep existing, no matter what. I'll help you look!
[ Maybe it comes from a kind of denial. The way that it's easier to present this, to believe this, than to come to terms himself with the idea of Tidus, so full of life and laughter, fading into nothing. He can still feel the near heartattack that gave him during the mission. ]
I know you want to live.
[ Even if Yuna is okay, and Spira is okay--
That doesn't mean Tidus doesn't deserve to be okay too, even if it's a more difficult end goal to get to. ]
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It's not that he doesn't want to find a way, to hope it too himself, but -
I know you want to live. ]
I...don't know how to start looking. [ It's not a denial, nor a refusal, but a truth that's been holding him back. Unsure if this weight in his gut is shame or a pre-emptive measure to stop him from getting his hopes up. Is that enough reason to never start?
But it's there anyway. A blockade. He should have more to say about preserving his own life, but he's kept it so well tucked to himself as an inevitability, he doesn't want to discourage Inigo either. ]
People dreamed to keep me alive. I don't know what you do to keep me going without someone else.
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But exactly because it's about that, Inigo doesn't want to give up so easily, shaking his head. ]
But we could do a lot of things. We could look up random words that might help with it, see if the train knows any books related to it. We could ask around with people who are good with magic, or other related stuff.. We can even keep an eye out for anything in the worlds we visit!
[ Inigo doesn't know if any of it will help. But he's willing to try absolutely everything. This is something he has to have hope for, so much so that he's practically radiating it now, as he's moving to instead sit on his knees on the bed. ]
I mean.. it's not over until it's over, right? [ It's meant to give hope, that last 'right?', but at the same time Inigo sounds like he desperately wants that confirmation too. Because he can't bear the thought of Tidus living some temporary life here, not knowing when it might be over and he'll fade away. ]
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[ It's weak -- at least, weaker in comparison to the resolve in front of him, the guy searching for the other to be onboard. And Tidus is, despite the difference, despite the uncertainty that holds onto him. But he knows a guy like Inigo needs more than a weak agreement, rubbing at his face, sucking in a breath that's loud on the way out. ]
I know - you're right, [ he confirms, reassures. ] It's just hard to think about, you know? I don't...want to get too excited. [ Is maybe more honest, far more realistic than his optimism usually goes for. ]
But we can look into it. See what's...out there.
[ Even if he should be more enthused for his own life, but it's been a long couple of days, here. ]
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At least it's not the droop of discouragement. After all, Tidus is reassuring him, and Inigo is listening to the other well enough to be able to pick up on that - that Tidus does want to try.
But that he also has his own reasons to not quite sound the same way about it as Inigo does. And that's what makes his shoulders droop.
It's sympathy. ]
Yes, I.. I get it. You wouldn't want to get your hopes up too much. [ Especially since - like Tidus says - they still don't have a definite starting point. There's a big possibility that Tidus will never be able to find some way to live, to be more than a dream.
Even though Inigo wants to shove that possibility aside as hard as he can.
He flops down on the bed again, but this time a lot closer to Tidus - practically scooted right up to the other's side, helped by their new double bed. ]
But still.. I want to believe there's some chance out there. Somewhere. We just have to find it. [ And then the question is more if they can find it, rather than whether it exists at all.
He prefers the former question. ]
And I'll do anything I can for that. I mean, I.. I really don't want you to disappear.
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He's a good friend. Really. ]
...I never wanted to tell you, 'cause I was afraid of making you sad. I didn't want to ruin your day like that. [ Ha- even though he knew Inigo would have always wanted to know, that he promised him.
Still. ]
Funny, huh? [ His eyes flicker on Inigo, just for a second. ] Being a dream? I don't even get any cool powers from it.
[ What a waste. ]
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Inigo smiles back at Tidus, though it's similar small, considering the sheer weight of the topic hanging over them, the thought of it still settling into Inigo's heart even now. ]
.. yeah. Imagine if you could.. fire dream beams.
[ Look, that's just what all magic seems like to him, okay. You fire something magical. That's clearly how dream powers would work.
He releases a breath, rolling onto his back. ]
Thank you though. For.. um, thinking of me. [ Even though Tidus is the one who mostly has to live with something this heavy. Even though it can't have been easy for him, he was still thinking about Inigo, about how hard it'd be on him to know. ] It's not that it doesn't make me sad right now..
[ Or rather, Inigo can imagine him really having been much more worried and sad about this under other circumstances. But maybe it's everything about the previous mission. How they did manage to pull Tidus back out of that illusion of having disappeared, how close he and Tidus had been that entire mission.
.. Even how it ended, he thinks, as a hand travels back over the healed section of his stomach.
It's made him feel close enough to Tidus to have faith. To want to try to see this positively. ]
But.. I want to believe we'll find a way as long as we're both here. We can't have your entire existence relying on a dumb train.
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that haven't been squished by Inigoand sends them away back into his arms band, no appetite in him for them. Real food from the kitchen might be an idea (if there was any), but he might be compelled to get up for any later. It's comfortable still to be laying here with Inigo, though--though he catches where his hand moves towards his lower stomach, and guilt stabs him (the irony). Tidus looks away, shuts his eyes, and whatever Inigo's saying gets half-lost in the guilt left over. ]
I... yeah, [ he breathes. And despite what feels right, wrong, he opens his eyes, grabs that hand by Inigo's stomach and squeezes it tight in both of his. ]
Inigo, I...
[ I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But this isn't a place he should go into again, spilling out apologies and tears until his throat grows raw; they've already been there, with and without words spoken. And yet his throat tinges, his eyes blinker a little wetter.
Calm it, he tells himself. Breathing, one, two, three. One, two, three. ]
Are you still looking forward to your birthday? [ ah ] We need to go through the stuff we got later. I wanna save one of those pens for Rol.
[ He asks, talks, grabbing for any subject out of the air. Something positive, something good. ]
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Without letting go of their joint hands, he rolls back over onto his side, so he can look at Tidus. Leaning his face closer, he places a gentle kiss on the other's cheek. If Tidus looks over at him, he'll find nothing but a smile on Inigo's face. ]
I'm really excited for my birthday party.
[ Nothing about it sounds like a lie, though he is being very positive on purpose here. He can tell what was coming, what kind of thoughts must be circling around in Tidus's head when he takes on that tone.
And that's why Inigo deems it his duty right now to try and chase them away as much as he can. If not just by being overly sappy. ]
It's going to be my first one in forever. And you're going to be there. What's not to love about it then, hm?
[ He pokes at the side of Tidus's face, his nose poking gently against the other's cheek until he can get that head to turn in his direction. The moment he does, Inigo gently moves his forehead until it rests right against Tidus's, the big smile still on his face. ]
You better have gotten Taiki a really cute gift. Or is the party a gift?
[ (He may also be suddenly realising he totally forgot to grab Taiki a present because he couldn't find anything in that world that he thought suited Taiki-- UGH, INIGO, FILE THAT AWAY FOR LATER. DON'T FORGET, YOU FOOL.) ]
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But as Inigo goes along with his request, no fuss beyond the touches of gentleness that are so him, Tidus does lift his head, eyes scrunched some from the close proximity, but - but because he might cry for an entirely different reason. This appreciation that's close to joy. An appreciation that's thankful.
Tidus doesn't cry, but he does pinch his lips tight, press his forehead against Inigo's and continue to hold his hand tightly. ]
I'm getting him a gift, [ he says on a high note, but it lowers as he continues. ] I was thinking... I could get him a book or two on animals. He really likes them. Maybe his own...camera?
[ They rarely saw animals, but even so. ]
What do you think?
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[ And that thought is nice. Because it does bother Inigo that they often can't be with their close friend during these missions, just due to the sheer nature of those missions and due to the sheer nature of Taiki. And he knows Tidus probably feels the same about it, especially with how protective and fond they are of him. ]
.. maybe he could even show lord Gyousou, if he could somehow bring it home with him.
[ Inigo knows Taiki would appreciate it. He smiles and squeezes Tidus's hand. ]
See, you're so good at thinking of creative gifts! I was just thinking of getting him a big animal plush or something. Kind of like my wyvern. [ But something a little less scary. ]
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Tidus considers the idea, chewing on it some more. But as Inigo goes on, he hums, a small laugh despite- ] Hey, don't put your idea down. That's good too. Do you know what animal?
[ Hmm. ] Something he can sleep with?
[ If it's going to be that big, he might have to either way. But Tidus doesn't want to give ideas - he wants to hear what Inigo's thinking about. ]
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He seems pretty happy whenever he cuddles with me or with the both of us. And I know it's not the same with a plush, but.. [ His voice trails off in a 'you know' sort of way. Inigo has cuddled with his plush before. There's no shame in it. ]
Figuring out the animal is the harder part. It'd be kind of nice to pick some animal they have a lot of in Tai and that looks pretty cute at the same time, but I'm not sure what that'd be.
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Ahh? An animal... [ His thinking brain has his brow furrowing, and then eyes closing. ] There was one I know... I saw Taiki drawing it once. It had four legs... uh. It was an animal he and Gyousou owned? I think...
[ When even was that? The first time Taiki told him about the 12 Kingdoms of his world? He's doing his best to think back, making small sounds. ]
Ah... hm...
[ It's not going very well. ]
You want me to ask? I bet he won't have any idea - I'll just say I--! ... ... I was curious!
[ GOOD EXCUSE. ]
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[ Mister 'I was curious'? Then again, maybe Inigo has no right to say it, because he himself is about as subtle as a brick to the face.
But he does figure that Taiki might not catch on. The guy is not really the type to look for ulterior motives, right..? ]
But I'd be grateful if you could ask. [ He adds a moment later, a small smile on his face. ] I just want to make sure he has a great party.
[ NO TIME TO LECTURE INIGO THOUGH ABOUT HOW IT SHOULD BE A GREAT PARTY FOR HIM TOO THOUGH. NUH-UH. Because Inigo is moving on shiftly, trying to grab Tidus's other hand into his hold too, even if it'd mean he has to move a little for it. ]
Right now, though.. I mostly just want to take care of you.
[ This is not meant sexually, okay.
For once. ]
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Grumbling in a hum, his head shifting against its resting spot on the pillow. ]
I don't need taking care of. [ b-baka. ] ...but you need a really great birthday gift too.
[ A beat, and Tidus wiggles their joined hands a bit. ]
Got a request?
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Though Inigo supposes that just being this close to Tidus and holding his hands is already taking care of him in a way, so he's not going to throw some stink over it. Especially when Tidus's question leaves the door very widely open to sap. ]
You've already given me so much.
[ Material stuff, sure, but Inigo is thinking more of the near- or entirely immaterial. Their shared room that Inigo wanted so much. The ability to kiss Tidus or hold his hands all the time.
Stuff he never imagined he'd have at some point.
And it's nice to be able to remind Tidus of the good stuff he's done for Inigo, rather than the bad stuff about himself - his fate back home - or the bad thing he's done to Inigo. ]
What's there still left for me to ask for?
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[ Is he being serious? Not entirely, but it's good to grapple onto, a soft chuckle leaving his lips. ] You've gotta give me a clue! What did guys where you're from give each other? Do you want another stuffed toy? Hmm, or a really nice outfit...
[ He peeks open an eye, twisting his head a bit to look up at Inigo. ]
You can ask for anything, [ he whispers playfully. ] It's your birthday.
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The last time I celebrated my birthday, I was ten. [ So Inigo feels like he can't really reference past birthday presents. Even his friends hadn't been much older than him back then, when he had celebrated their birthdays.. ] I like to think my tastes have changed at least a little since then.
[ Says the guy who loves his oversized plush wyvern. ]
And it's so hard to think of material things! There's more stuff I'd like to do. Like spend time with my friends. [ But that's already happening at the party. ] And I'd like to swim again, but.. you know.
[ That's an eternal problem as long as the train denies them that pool carriage. ]
I already have my dance outfit too, and I'm too nervous to wear that in public anyway.
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