[ First, find someone you trust to be with you. Tidus knows about this, if he's around.
Well, that narrows it down pretty quickly, doesn't it. Someone he trusts to be with him - if he narrows it down, then it'd be either Tidus, Taiki or Roland, right? But Taiki is already such a sensitive soul, and Inigo can't imagine Roland would be particularly happy with Inigo going along with this experiment.
So his fellow teen in crime it is. Inigo seeks Tidus out among the weirdness of the biosphere, jogging over in his direction once he recognizes the familiar form. ]
Hey, Tiduuus! [ He calls out, pretty loudly still - though as he approaches the other, Inigo seems to get a bit more serious. This isn't just something he's fooling around about, after all. ]
[ It's alright. What was Tidus likely doing in that moment other than complaining in his own head about how stupid this place is? Actually, he is trying to be somewhat useful by contemplating if he wants to bother bugging one of those panels for the Helpmates. It's bound to end up with the thing freaking out on him, but maybe he can get somewhere this time...? Come on, how long are they expected to travel through this place?!
But there comes the Call. Tidus peers away from the risk rectangle, attention disengaging more from the panel as he stands in wait of Inigo's approach. ]
What's up?
[ He's more calm, curious, the change in mood not yet registering. ]
Senku asked me to help with something. He said you already know.
[ Which he mostly means in a 'so I don't have to explain at length, right?' sort of way. Not that he isn't willing to explain if Tidus still doesn't get it, but he's pretty sure Tidus would have remembered Senku bringing up a wild, wild plan to him like this.
It's pretty dangerous, after all. Or it feels that way, at the very least. And Senku only emphasizing just how dangerous it all is sure doesn't help to make it feel any safer. ]
[ Senku said...? It's not a reply that earns any immediate looks of recognitions, Tidus blinking at Inigo with a growing narrowing gaze, glancing elsewhere as he attempts to think back. Help with something, help with something... ]
[ Inigo is ready to correct Tidus, but thankfully the other seems to grasp the meaning of his words before Inigo even has to say a thing. At least the use of the word experiment confirms it, since that's what Senku himself used too. ]
Yes.
[ Tidus's eyes growing slightly bigger doesn't seem off to Inigo. He's probably just as well aware as Inigo that there's an element of risk to it all. ]
I'm going to do it, but he told me I should have someone with me to watch me. He said I should keep it off for about five minutes, and who knows what might happen. [ Maybe nothing.
Five-- you're not keeping it off for five minutes! What if you die? Is he crazy?
[ Five whole minutes -- he couldn't even keep it off for a full minute! Tidus moves in towards Inigo, shaking his head. A slightly frantic but assertive energy about him. ]
[ Inigo's hands raise up in front of him, almost defensively. Mostly since he's caught off guard by Tidus's reaction. Sure, he can understand a little surprise, or some worry, considering what he's about to do.. But-- ]
I'm sure it won't be that bad! [ .. well. Sure is a big word, but still. Inigo doesn't want Tidus to have to worry about him this much, and he's good at downplaying things. ] I'm going to put it back on right away if anything feels odd. But if I don't feel anything, then it should be fine! Really, the only problem is if it kills me right away.
[ That, however, is a little harder to downplay in the face of someone who obviously cares for him, so Inigo stops for a moment, looking a tad more awkward. ]
[ 'Won't happen'. 'Probably'. Tidus didn't need more convincing to figure that Inigo had no clue about the dangers, and how the possibility of that happening was not so far off.
Still. Tidus takes a moment, letting out a breath and his head hanging for a second before he reaches out towards Inigo, towards his hands, and then reconsiders what he was about to do to instead- ]
Sit down. [ It's not bossy, not he does direct, nodding his head to the ground and ready to follow Inigo. ] If something happens, I wanna be able to get the device back on you. You might start choking - I want an easier time getting it back on in case you panic. Alright? It's better if we sit.
[ To Inigo's credit, he does sit down. Not even too long after Tidus says it, before waiting for the rest of the explanation - like there's a part of his brain that trusts Tidus so much that he sits down before even considering why he's doing it. ]
Tidus, it's not likely I'll panic. [ Suddenly he sounds more serious. Because apparently playing the clown isn't going to help make Tidus any less worried, judging from how the other is acting, so Inigo momentarily puts down that act, tucking it away in some corner for later use. Fine, if he wants to do this seriously, Inigo can do that. ] I've been so close to dying plenty of times. If that happens, whatever I feel-- it's not going to be very new to me.
[ He shakes his head. ]
I'm not going to able to understand a thing you say though after I take it off, but I won't fight you if you put it back on me, no matter what. [ Maybe Tidus might notice something off about Inigo that he himself wouldn't notice, after all. ] Still.. if you have something important to say, maybe say it while I can still figure out what your words mean.
[ There he goes, talking about dying - and it's not as if even taking it off for a while isn't doing that. Killing yourself, even if it's not the end go. It tenses Tidus, a discomfort in his shoulders as he kneels with Inigo. If you have something important to say... say it...
His apprehension grows louder in his ears. ]
...This experiment isn't worth risking your life. Whatever Senku thinks - what's there to learn? We know what they do; we know they keep us from dying in some places, that they're the reason we understand each other off the train! So what's the point of this? What else are we gonna know?
[ He doesn't get it - and he regrets his part in all this, the fact he put Inigo's name into the hat. ]
Just forget it, okay? I'll tell Senku I stopped you.
It's fine. [ Inigo says, quickly. Almost a little too quickly, because the sheer apprehension that has taken over Tidus is much too obvious right now. And Inigo doesn't want to go back on this. Not when he trusts Senku, when he knows that guy is smart enough that maybe he could do something, anything, as long as he had the right data.
And Inigo knows he may be a valuable experimental subject in that. Senku confirmed before that not everything about him is 100% regularly human, so-- ]
It's not going to get to the worst possible point. The moment I take it off and something is wrong, no matter what it is, I'll pull it back on. And if I can't do it, I trust you to do it.
[ Inigo reaches out, a hand desperate to grab onto any part of Tidus right now to convince the other of his conviction, landing on his shoulder. ] .. I need you right now.
[ He wants to have it come out frustrated, but it doesn't. He can't; with his head hanging, the weight of Inigo's hand on his shoulder, and the reminder of that day pressing down on him heavier. Not Senku, but before -- down by the turnstile, friends refusing to let him go through it. His choice. His chance to follow Yuna, to know what was on the other side...
Could he take away Inigo's choice? It's the facts of what he knows that keeps him silent, the knowledge he doesn't want to share. But is it fair? To not prepare Inigo because he's too coward.
He doesn't look up. ]
...if you're gonna go through with it, you should let me take it off. You don't just start choking - it's like a weight pushing down on you too, trying to crush you, making it harder to move. That's- that's why it's better to sit down. You might drop the SCA.
Suddenly all other thoughts are shoved right to the back of Inigo's mind. Deemed more unimportant for a moment, no matter how determined he still is to help out with this experiment. But it has to be put on halt, just for a moment. Because something about what Tidus said just now is weird. He's saying something he shouldn't know. Especially not with the way he talks about it, like he understands the feeling well enough to have experienced it personally.
But when? How? It can't have been for Senku's experiment. Then he wouldn't be so hesitant about Inigo taking his own off. But then when? They hang out so often. How could Inigo not have noticed? Was it on one of the missions, when the two of them weren't together? When? Why? ]
Tidus.. Did you take off your SCA?
[ A beat, and then, despite both of them already knowing the answer to the question, Inigo can't help but repeat with how baffled and worried he feels, the grip he has on Tidus's shoulder tightening-- ]
It doesn't matter. [ Even with the sharp edge they carry, his words come out blunt, whittled, his desperation more a plea than it can work itself into being dismissive. Don't ask me. He hates lying, but the truth is harder to say, even as a yes or a no; he'd rather Inigo come to his own conclusions than confirm anything at all.
Still, revealing this much makes it easier to push on, to ignore the question being asked and to get back to the task. ]
If you're going through with it, that's the risk, so - let me help you. You said you wanted me to help. I'll help.
[ Inigo's voice rises in volume. Though if the look in his eyes is anything to go by, it's nothing like anger. It's just pure desperation. Because Tidus always, always does this. The moment Inigo gets a little too close to a few specific things, the other always seems to retreat like this. ]
It matters to me! You can't tell me you were just about ready to throw a fit over my safety, and then act like it doesn't matter when it's you doing it! [ Because it's saying a lot. It's mostly saying that Tidus's experience can't have been a great one, if he's so worried about Inigo doing it.
His volume finally seems to simmer down a little, though the expression on Inigo's face is complicated. Almost hurt, but definitely worried. ]
[ Inigo's voice rings in Tidus's ears; less the volume, and more the way it carries, the emotion in it. He doesn't look, not right away, eyes only daring to flicker towards Inigo but not rising to his face. Not that he needs it - he speaks clear enough that Tidus knows without needing to.
His hands sit uselessly on his lap, curling inward, lips pinching together before he looks up. ]
I'm not going to do it again, so you don't have to, alright? I won't. I already promised, so-
[ So- He drops his head again. ]
Don't worry about it, [ he speaks lower, gentler. ] You don't have to.
[ Tidus just loves asking the impossible of him, doesn't he.
And the worst part is that Inigo would so gladly grant him any request. But it feels so hard, sometimes. Mostly whenever Tidus retreats like this, refusing to accept any help, any concern being thrown his way. It's frustrating, but in a way that makes him upset rather than angry. The way that threatens to bring tears to his eyes, though Inigo puts in all his effort to not make them appear right now of all moments. ]
You ca-- [ He starts, then stops. Frowns. ] It's not that easy.
[ If only it was. If only Inigo could turn off his absolute flood of emotions, especially for his friends. But it's impossible. ]
Do you think I'm not worried about you all the time already? About how you're doing, about what'll happen when you go home, how you'll feel.. [ Sure, Tidus has said so many times by now that it's fine, even if he's separated from Yuna, from everything. Even if he can't go back to where he used to be.
But is it really?
Inigo's gaze falls too, resting on the SCA around his wrist. He knows it's supposed to be about that, but it's so hard to stop himself now. ]
You always say it's fine, and that you're fine, and that I shouldn't worry, but it feels like you're hiding so much hurt. [ Like this. Why didn't Inigo know Tidus took off his SCA? ]
But it's probably as better a time as any, really. A privacy the train doesn't grant, the pair separated from the others again. There's a humour inspired, nothing more than a breath of a chuckle that leaves his lips. Tidus tips his head, hand meeting the back of his hair and rubbing awkwardly at the scalp. ]
I wouldn't go that far... [ The hurt thing, anyway. It's a bit too much for a guy like him, not a way he'd want to describe himself.
But it's not the point, is it? You're hiding-- He can't deny that. But there's nothing he cay say that'll offer Inigo a good answer. Isn't that why he hides? Because there's nothing good - there's nothing good he can share. No good that comes with it. Even if this ideal, the alternative would be worse. ]
...There's things I'm not ready to talk about. [ It comes after a small silence, spoken calmer, or - is the better word resigned? Conceding? This willingness about him; a willingness still denying. ] And there's nothing...good it'll do. I know you worry. You want to help and fix it, but there's stuff that...no one can fix. And it'll just worry you more, and I--
I don't want that.
[ I don't want that. For things to change, to become all the more complicated. Hasn't he already said too much? Because here Inigo is, thinking and worrying, about him and what he thinks home means to Tidus, when home isn't that at all. When there isn't a home. Not anymore.
Not ever.
Tidus raises his head, eyes finding their way to Inigo's face now. Not turning if their eyes should meet, not right away, but the same certainty that keeps his chin lifted leaves him, when that certainty too doesn't have reason to stick. ]
...I took it off when Yuna left. [ He can admit this - at least this much. ] I thought...I could follow her if I didn't wear it. Just long enough to see what was on the other side.
[ There's no pride in that truth, no strength to it. A shameful confession, knowing the result of his actions. The possibility. ]
More than he expected it to. Tidus may as well have shoved a knife right between his ribs, and it would have had just about the same impact. Because while it's not that he doesn't get it, that he doesn't understand there's good intentions behind it, that Tidus is thinking of him, not wanting to make him worry--
It still doesn't feel fair. There's things I'm not ready to talk about. Didn't Inigo dump enough painful details about himself onto Tidus by now? Things he has told almost no one on the train, almost no one even back home. Did he think it wasn't that hard for Inigo to talk about those? And it'll just worry you more. And so what if it does? Is he a little child that needs to be kept away from the truth? Is he still that little boy hiding behind his mother's skirts?
The second part of it all lands a much softer blow than it usually would have, after that. It just feels understandable. The desperation in the face of seeing someone who means so much to you walk right off the platform. Inigo gets it. Can't blame Tidus for doing something dumb, something reckless, even if he doesn't know the whole story of it.
The whole story. The gap that lies between him and Tidus suddenly feeling like an entire abyss.
Inigo looks down while thinking, only raising his face when he's absolutely sure he has already forced back down the tears before they could spill from his eyes. ]
Okay. [ His voice is quiet and a little raw. His throat feels so dry all of a sudden. ] I understand. I'm sorry, it.. it must've been hard.
[ He can't say more though. If he wastes anymore words on it, he may lose himself in the negative thought spiral. Before his mind twists Tidus's thoughtfulness in thoughts of see, why would he ever want to share everything with you--
[ He knows that Inigo isn't happy. And what part is the cause... maybe all of it. Everything that he said, that it sounded as if he was pushing him away, denying him.
And isn't he, to an extent? But there's nothing Tidus can do to fix that, nothing that won't result in hurting the both of them if he were to say it all now, get it out there. He wants the time, just as much as he doesn't want to say anything in the first place. But is it now that he has to think about it? Really consider it - if he can keep this up, this secret. The real border between him and Yuna; why he thought that taking off his SCA would do any good.
But, the thought of Inigo knowing is... ]
... Okay. [ He doesn't have the fight. Won't repeat the suggestion that he should be the one to remove it, just in case. Tidus sits there waiting instead, watching Inigo without really meeting his eye. A tension worming its way into his limbs, fingers that want to reach out and stop him.
He keeps them on his lap, waiting - for the after. Once the SCA leaves Inigo's skin. ]
[ It's not as if Inigo doesn't hesitate for a moment.
Because this isn't something so small. But it feels easier when he puts it in perspective. This conversation with Tidus. Isn't it much more terrifying than the idea of death? So much scarier than maybe feeling for a moment like he's on the verge of death? It's a little laughable, even to himself, but Inigo knows it's true. Maybe it's since he's been at death's door often enough, but feeling like there's an uncrossable chasm between his best friend and him is so much worse than anything else.
And so he pushes himself over the edge. Loosens the SCA, making sure to shift his hand to quickly grab onto it as tightly as he can as he fully takes it off.
Inigo is fully prepared for any feeling. Choking. Fainting.
But there's nothing. Sure, it does feel.. a bit different, but nowhere near as extreme as he thought. The SCA doesn't even beep in danger, despite Inigo fully expecting it to. Inigo sucks in a breath, and he can feel his lungs filling with actual air.
He sits there for a moment, as if making sure this doesn't have some weird ten second delay, but then slowly lowers his SCA to put it on the ground in front of where he's sitting, if not just so he can have his hands free for a moment to pull them through his hair, stress gliding off his shoulders.
He sticks a thumb up in Tidus's direction, but doesn't actually look at him. ]
'm fine. [ He says, even knowing he wouldn't be able to understand any answer. ]
The possibility - it hadn't quite come to Tidus. Some part of him knowing, but the danger being more real to him than Senku walking around without one on in the time before he returned back to the train last mission. And Tidus is glad, deep down; his hands balling into fists as he sees the SCA coming off, all to keep himself from grabbing at Inigo, stopping him. But then nothing comes, and - and he's glad, but it's not relief Tidus experiences the most.
Because the anxiety keeps on clinging around his shoulders, pushing down on his chest. And if it wasn't for that, what else would he be feeling? All he admitted, and he didn't even have to. ]
Mmm. [ He's almost forgotten that this is a test - that Inigo will want to keep it off longer than for a minute or so, and remembers too about the language differences, and he raises his arm to turn on the countdown on his SCA.
[ Inigo might not have noticed what Tidus was trying to point out to him if not for the sound. He isn't looking in the other's direction, after all, but the quiet ticking makes him raise his face to look over at it.
And then it's a gesture he understands without words. It's the same thing Taiki did to him before, after all, that one time when he was determined to keep working during the mission when he should have been resting.
There's no fight left in Inigo after the exchange they had right before the SCA came off, so he doesn't protest. Whatever. If Tidus wants him to put it back on after the countdown is over, he will.
The problem is what comes after that. When they can communicate again. Inigo has no idea what to do then.
But the countdown keeps ticking down, unrelenting, as Inigo stares right at it. ]
[ It's not the first uncomfortable silence between them. Not the first unsatisfying end to a discussion, and Tidus knows there's nothing else he can do but sit and wait. Idly playing with the idea of taking off his own SCA, letting Inigo do it for him, but neither thought possessing a backbone. What would that prove alone?
The SCA ticks, and ticks, and ticks. He props up his arm he doesn't have to hold it up, and when it gets down to about twenty or so seconds, Tidus looks over at Inigo, wants to ask 'Isn't that long enough?', but decides to hold in his impatience.
Until the device finally beeps as it would in warning, and his gaze on Inigo holds better, firmer, waiting so he can ask- ]
[ The SCA beeps. Tidus's lips move, though Inigo can't tell what he's saying, the words sounding like total gibberish as they come across the other's lips. It'd be a strange experience, if not for the fact that Inigo has already spent an entire day like this before, watching people talk without understanding what's being said. He assumes Tidus is asking if he's alright from context, but since he has no way to be sure, he refrains from answering, just to avoid answering the wrong question.
Instead Inigo grabs his own SCA off the ground, putting it back onto his wrist. For a moment he's quiet, but then he just says: ] Um. So that was.. anticlimactic.
[ To say the least.
But Inigo knows it's not the most important part here. Maybe it would have been better if he did just die there, just fall onto the ground, lifeless. It would have saved him from not knowing what to do now. Not to say. It feels wrong to not address anything that came before this.
But what does he say? Does he want to wait for Tidus to say something first? No - he's already been a coward once today. He can't get two strikes. ]
I.. I'm sorry, Tidus. I must have sounded uncaring a moment ago, when it was just that.. I didn't know what to say. I felt stupidly worried. [ Maybe that's just what he should say. Just the truth, no matter how dumb it is. No matter how stupid Inigo knows his own feelings to be, about 99% of the time. ] It felt like maybe we weren't close enough to share everything after all. And-- I don't mean to say you have to. I mean, part of it is just me being worried about you dealing with everything all by yourself too, no matter how hard it is..
[ This isn't about guilting Tidus, or forcing him, though Inigo worries about it. He just wants to make his feelings clear, to try and keep them from having another dumb misunderstanding. He's learned. He's trying. ]
I just started worrying. [ ... ] You know how I am.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
jelly 6
Well, that narrows it down pretty quickly, doesn't it. Someone he trusts to be with him - if he narrows it down, then it'd be either Tidus, Taiki or Roland, right? But Taiki is already such a sensitive soul, and Inigo can't imagine Roland would be particularly happy with Inigo going along with this experiment.
So his fellow teen in crime it is. Inigo seeks Tidus out among the weirdness of the biosphere, jogging over in his direction once he recognizes the familiar form. ]
Hey, Tiduuus! [ He calls out, pretty loudly still - though as he approaches the other, Inigo seems to get a bit more serious. This isn't just something he's fooling around about, after all. ]
I need your help.
no subject
But there comes the Call. Tidus peers away from the risk rectangle, attention disengaging more from the panel as he stands in wait of Inigo's approach. ]
What's up?
[ He's more calm, curious, the change in mood not yet registering. ]
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[ Which he mostly means in a 'so I don't have to explain at length, right?' sort of way. Not that he isn't willing to explain if Tidus still doesn't get it, but he's pretty sure Tidus would have remembered Senku bringing up a wild, wild plan to him like this.
It's pretty dangerous, after all. Or it feels that way, at the very least. And Senku only emphasizing just how dangerous it all is sure doesn't help to make it feel any safer. ]
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With...supplies?
[ What else, right? There wasn't anything--
Tidus's eyes widen. ] The experiment?
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Yes.
[ Tidus's eyes growing slightly bigger doesn't seem off to Inigo. He's probably just as well aware as Inigo that there's an element of risk to it all. ]
I'm going to do it, but he told me I should have someone with me to watch me. He said I should keep it off for about five minutes, and who knows what might happen. [ Maybe nothing.
Maybe a lot. ]
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[ Five whole minutes -- he couldn't even keep it off for a full minute! Tidus moves in towards Inigo, shaking his head. A slightly frantic but assertive energy about him. ]
One minute, tops. And that's even if it's safe!
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[ Inigo's hands raise up in front of him, almost defensively. Mostly since he's caught off guard by Tidus's reaction. Sure, he can understand a little surprise, or some worry, considering what he's about to do.. But-- ]
I'm sure it won't be that bad! [ .. well. Sure is a big word, but still. Inigo doesn't want Tidus to have to worry about him this much, and he's good at downplaying things. ] I'm going to put it back on right away if anything feels odd. But if I don't feel anything, then it should be fine! Really, the only problem is if it kills me right away.
[ That, however, is a little harder to downplay in the face of someone who obviously cares for him, so Inigo stops for a moment, looking a tad more awkward. ]
But that.. won't happen. Probably.
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Still. Tidus takes a moment, letting out a breath and his head hanging for a second before he reaches out towards Inigo, towards his hands, and then reconsiders what he was about to do to instead- ]
Sit down. [ It's not bossy, not he does direct, nodding his head to the ground and ready to follow Inigo. ] If something happens, I wanna be able to get the device back on you. You might start choking - I want an easier time getting it back on in case you panic. Alright? It's better if we sit.
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Tidus, it's not likely I'll panic. [ Suddenly he sounds more serious. Because apparently playing the clown isn't going to help make Tidus any less worried, judging from how the other is acting, so Inigo momentarily puts down that act, tucking it away in some corner for later use. Fine, if he wants to do this seriously, Inigo can do that. ] I've been so close to dying plenty of times. If that happens, whatever I feel-- it's not going to be very new to me.
[ He shakes his head. ]
I'm not going to able to understand a thing you say though after I take it off, but I won't fight you if you put it back on me, no matter what. [ Maybe Tidus might notice something off about Inigo that he himself wouldn't notice, after all. ] Still.. if you have something important to say, maybe say it while I can still figure out what your words mean.
no subject
His apprehension grows louder in his ears. ]
...This experiment isn't worth risking your life. Whatever Senku thinks - what's there to learn? We know what they do; we know they keep us from dying in some places, that they're the reason we understand each other off the train! So what's the point of this? What else are we gonna know?
[ He doesn't get it - and he regrets his part in all this, the fact he put Inigo's name into the hat. ]
Just forget it, okay? I'll tell Senku I stopped you.
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And Inigo knows he may be a valuable experimental subject in that. Senku confirmed before that not everything about him is 100% regularly human, so-- ]
It's not going to get to the worst possible point. The moment I take it off and something is wrong, no matter what it is, I'll pull it back on. And if I can't do it, I trust you to do it.
[ Inigo reaches out, a hand desperate to grab onto any part of Tidus right now to convince the other of his conviction, landing on his shoulder. ] .. I need you right now.
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[ He wants to have it come out frustrated, but it doesn't. He can't; with his head hanging, the weight of Inigo's hand on his shoulder, and the reminder of that day pressing down on him heavier. Not Senku, but before -- down by the turnstile, friends refusing to let him go through it. His choice. His chance to follow Yuna, to know what was on the other side...
Could he take away Inigo's choice? It's the facts of what he knows that keeps him silent, the knowledge he doesn't want to share. But is it fair? To not prepare Inigo because he's too coward.
He doesn't look up. ]
...if you're gonna go through with it, you should let me take it off. You don't just start choking - it's like a weight pushing down on you too, trying to crush you, making it harder to move. That's- that's why it's better to sit down. You might drop the SCA.
[ That's why he told him to. ]
no subject
Suddenly all other thoughts are shoved right to the back of Inigo's mind. Deemed more unimportant for a moment, no matter how determined he still is to help out with this experiment. But it has to be put on halt, just for a moment. Because something about what Tidus said just now is weird. He's saying something he shouldn't know. Especially not with the way he talks about it, like he understands the feeling well enough to have experienced it personally.
But when? How? It can't have been for Senku's experiment. Then he wouldn't be so hesitant about Inigo taking his own off. But then when? They hang out so often. How could Inigo not have noticed? Was it on one of the missions, when the two of them weren't together? When? Why? ]
Tidus.. Did you take off your SCA?
[ A beat, and then, despite both of them already knowing the answer to the question, Inigo can't help but repeat with how baffled and worried he feels, the grip he has on Tidus's shoulder tightening-- ]
Did you?
no subject
Still, revealing this much makes it easier to push on, to ignore the question being asked and to get back to the task. ]
If you're going through with it, that's the risk, so - let me help you. You said you wanted me to help. I'll help.
[ That much he'll do. That much he can give. ]
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[ Inigo's voice rises in volume. Though if the look in his eyes is anything to go by, it's nothing like anger. It's just pure desperation. Because Tidus always, always does this. The moment Inigo gets a little too close to a few specific things, the other always seems to retreat like this. ]
It matters to me! You can't tell me you were just about ready to throw a fit over my safety, and then act like it doesn't matter when it's you doing it! [ Because it's saying a lot. It's mostly saying that Tidus's experience can't have been a great one, if he's so worried about Inigo doing it.
His volume finally seems to simmer down a little, though the expression on Inigo's face is complicated. Almost hurt, but definitely worried. ]
Can't I worry about you?
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His hands sit uselessly on his lap, curling inward, lips pinching together before he looks up. ]
I'm not going to do it again, so you don't have to, alright? I won't. I already promised, so-
[ So- He drops his head again. ]
Don't worry about it, [ he speaks lower, gentler. ] You don't have to.
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And the worst part is that Inigo would so gladly grant him any request. But it feels so hard, sometimes. Mostly whenever Tidus retreats like this, refusing to accept any help, any concern being thrown his way. It's frustrating, but in a way that makes him upset rather than angry. The way that threatens to bring tears to his eyes, though Inigo puts in all his effort to not make them appear right now of all moments. ]
You ca-- [ He starts, then stops. Frowns. ] It's not that easy.
[ If only it was. If only Inigo could turn off his absolute flood of emotions, especially for his friends. But it's impossible. ]
Do you think I'm not worried about you all the time already? About how you're doing, about what'll happen when you go home, how you'll feel.. [ Sure, Tidus has said so many times by now that it's fine, even if he's separated from Yuna, from everything. Even if he can't go back to where he used to be.
But is it really?
Inigo's gaze falls too, resting on the SCA around his wrist. He knows it's supposed to be about that, but it's so hard to stop himself now. ]
You always say it's fine, and that you're fine, and that I shouldn't worry, but it feels like you're hiding so much hurt. [ Like this. Why didn't Inigo know Tidus took off his SCA? ]
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But it's probably as better a time as any, really. A privacy the train doesn't grant, the pair separated from the others again. There's a humour inspired, nothing more than a breath of a chuckle that leaves his lips. Tidus tips his head, hand meeting the back of his hair and rubbing awkwardly at the scalp. ]
I wouldn't go that far... [ The hurt thing, anyway. It's a bit too much for a guy like him, not a way he'd want to describe himself.
But it's not the point, is it? You're hiding-- He can't deny that. But there's nothing he cay say that'll offer Inigo a good answer. Isn't that why he hides? Because there's nothing good - there's nothing good he can share. No good that comes with it. Even if this ideal, the alternative would be worse. ]
...There's things I'm not ready to talk about. [ It comes after a small silence, spoken calmer, or - is the better word resigned? Conceding? This willingness about him; a willingness still denying. ] And there's nothing...good it'll do. I know you worry. You want to help and fix it, but there's stuff that...no one can fix. And it'll just worry you more, and I--
I don't want that.
[ I don't want that. For things to change, to become all the more complicated. Hasn't he already said too much? Because here Inigo is, thinking and worrying, about him and what he thinks home means to Tidus, when home isn't that at all. When there isn't a home. Not anymore.
Not ever.
Tidus raises his head, eyes finding their way to Inigo's face now. Not turning if their eyes should meet, not right away, but the same certainty that keeps his chin lifted leaves him, when that certainty too doesn't have reason to stick. ]
...I took it off when Yuna left. [ He can admit this - at least this much. ] I thought...I could follow her if I didn't wear it. Just long enough to see what was on the other side.
[ There's no pride in that truth, no strength to it. A shameful confession, knowing the result of his actions. The possibility. ]
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More than he expected it to. Tidus may as well have shoved a knife right between his ribs, and it would have had just about the same impact. Because while it's not that he doesn't get it, that he doesn't understand there's good intentions behind it, that Tidus is thinking of him, not wanting to make him worry--
It still doesn't feel fair. There's things I'm not ready to talk about. Didn't Inigo dump enough painful details about himself onto Tidus by now? Things he has told almost no one on the train, almost no one even back home. Did he think it wasn't that hard for Inigo to talk about those? And it'll just worry you more. And so what if it does? Is he a little child that needs to be kept away from the truth? Is he still that little boy hiding behind his mother's skirts?
The second part of it all lands a much softer blow than it usually would have, after that. It just feels understandable. The desperation in the face of seeing someone who means so much to you walk right off the platform. Inigo gets it. Can't blame Tidus for doing something dumb, something reckless, even if he doesn't know the whole story of it.
The whole story. The gap that lies between him and Tidus suddenly feeling like an entire abyss.
Inigo looks down while thinking, only raising his face when he's absolutely sure he has already forced back down the tears before they could spill from his eyes. ]
Okay. [ His voice is quiet and a little raw. His throat feels so dry all of a sudden. ] I understand. I'm sorry, it.. it must've been hard.
[ He can't say more though. If he wastes anymore words on it, he may lose himself in the negative thought spiral. Before his mind twists Tidus's thoughtfulness in thoughts of see, why would he ever want to share everything with you--
Inigo puts his hand on his SCA. ]
I'm going to take it off now.
[ This is cowardice. He's just running away.
He knows. ]
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And isn't he, to an extent? But there's nothing Tidus can do to fix that, nothing that won't result in hurting the both of them if he were to say it all now, get it out there. He wants the time, just as much as he doesn't want to say anything in the first place. But is it now that he has to think about it? Really consider it - if he can keep this up, this secret. The real border between him and Yuna; why he thought that taking off his SCA would do any good.
But, the thought of Inigo knowing is... ]
... Okay. [ He doesn't have the fight. Won't repeat the suggestion that he should be the one to remove it, just in case. Tidus sits there waiting instead, watching Inigo without really meeting his eye. A tension worming its way into his limbs, fingers that want to reach out and stop him.
He keeps them on his lap, waiting - for the after. Once the SCA leaves Inigo's skin. ]
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Because this isn't something so small. But it feels easier when he puts it in perspective. This conversation with Tidus. Isn't it much more terrifying than the idea of death? So much scarier than maybe feeling for a moment like he's on the verge of death? It's a little laughable, even to himself, but Inigo knows it's true. Maybe it's since he's been at death's door often enough, but feeling like there's an uncrossable chasm between his best friend and him is so much worse than anything else.
And so he pushes himself over the edge. Loosens the SCA, making sure to shift his hand to quickly grab onto it as tightly as he can as he fully takes it off.
Inigo is fully prepared for any feeling. Choking. Fainting.
But there's nothing. Sure, it does feel.. a bit different, but nowhere near as extreme as he thought. The SCA doesn't even beep in danger, despite Inigo fully expecting it to. Inigo sucks in a breath, and he can feel his lungs filling with actual air.
He sits there for a moment, as if making sure this doesn't have some weird ten second delay, but then slowly lowers his SCA to put it on the ground in front of where he's sitting, if not just so he can have his hands free for a moment to pull them through his hair, stress gliding off his shoulders.
He sticks a thumb up in Tidus's direction, but doesn't actually look at him. ]
'm fine. [ He says, even knowing he wouldn't be able to understand any answer. ]
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The possibility - it hadn't quite come to Tidus. Some part of him knowing, but the danger being more real to him than Senku walking around without one on in the time before he returned back to the train last mission. And Tidus is glad, deep down; his hands balling into fists as he sees the SCA coming off, all to keep himself from grabbing at Inigo, stopping him. But then nothing comes, and - and he's glad, but it's not relief Tidus experiences the most.
Because the anxiety keeps on clinging around his shoulders, pushing down on his chest. And if it wasn't for that, what else would he be feeling? All he admitted, and he didn't even have to. ]
Mmm. [ He's almost forgotten that this is a test - that Inigo will want to keep it off longer than for a minute or so, and remembers too about the language differences, and he raises his arm to turn on the countdown on his SCA.
It quietly ticks. ]
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And then it's a gesture he understands without words. It's the same thing Taiki did to him before, after all, that one time when he was determined to keep working during the mission when he should have been resting.
There's no fight left in Inigo after the exchange they had right before the SCA came off, so he doesn't protest. Whatever. If Tidus wants him to put it back on after the countdown is over, he will.
The problem is what comes after that. When they can communicate again. Inigo has no idea what to do then.
But the countdown keeps ticking down, unrelenting, as Inigo stares right at it. ]
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The SCA ticks, and ticks, and ticks. He props up his arm he doesn't have to hold it up, and when it gets down to about twenty or so seconds, Tidus looks over at Inigo, wants to ask 'Isn't that long enough?', but decides to hold in his impatience.
Until the device finally beeps as it would in warning, and his gaze on Inigo holds better, firmer, waiting so he can ask- ]
Do you feel okay?
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Instead Inigo grabs his own SCA off the ground, putting it back onto his wrist. For a moment he's quiet, but then he just says: ] Um. So that was.. anticlimactic.
[ To say the least.
But Inigo knows it's not the most important part here. Maybe it would have been better if he did just die there, just fall onto the ground, lifeless. It would have saved him from not knowing what to do now. Not to say. It feels wrong to not address anything that came before this.
But what does he say? Does he want to wait for Tidus to say something first? No - he's already been a coward once today. He can't get two strikes. ]
I.. I'm sorry, Tidus. I must have sounded uncaring a moment ago, when it was just that.. I didn't know what to say. I felt stupidly worried. [ Maybe that's just what he should say. Just the truth, no matter how dumb it is. No matter how stupid Inigo knows his own feelings to be, about 99% of the time. ] It felt like maybe we weren't close enough to share everything after all. And-- I don't mean to say you have to. I mean, part of it is just me being worried about you dealing with everything all by yourself too, no matter how hard it is..
[ This isn't about guilting Tidus, or forcing him, though Inigo worries about it. He just wants to make his feelings clear, to try and keep them from having another dumb misunderstanding. He's learned. He's trying. ]
I just started worrying. [ ... ] You know how I am.
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