[ It always feels deceptively easy at moments like these. Because it's like Tidus is putting the ball right in front of an open goal when he says things like that. 'You could be with anyone', he says, and Inigo can feel words already bubbling up in the back of his throat, as if he could just say them.
I want to be here with you. I only want to do this with you. Tidus, I--
But he stops himself. He knows it's deceptively easy for sure. It seems easy now, but he's going to regret it the moment the words leave his mouth - the moment Tidus turns him down or call him a huge weirdo for even feeling this way in the first place.
It leaves him just staring at the other, looking a bit like a goldfish with the way his mouth hangs slightly open. Inigo nervously licks his lips, and something about the look in his eyes fades a little, the constant smile in them finally giving way to something a bit more unsure.
He hates this. Hates his insecurities, hates that the mixed up feelings in his stomach always return to this, even at the most useless of times, like right this very instance. He hates that he couldn't just stick with it. ]
I wasn't.. roleplaying. [ At least he can admit to that part, though it already feels like it toes dangerously close to other things. But he tries to say it like he's just clarifying.
Especially when it feels like what Tidus is saying is instead close to heading into that direction. ]
It's just-- [ His gaze drops too. ] You said you liked it when I was confident. So I wanted to be like that for you.
[ He says he wasn't roleplaying, but that doesn't track with Tidus. The things he said- they don't make sense otherwise, to call him handsome when he pulled him in, or any of that.
But there's a few things tumbling around in his brain now. ] Oh. [ Like processing what's been said, what they should do, how Tidus's efforts are mucking this up more. A sheepish side glance as he admits. ] I was, uh, just roleplaying there... I thought it'd help?
[ Not that Inigo isn't his favourite dancer, but-! That's not the point here, he just wants to be clear. Or maybe it was already clear, and that's why Inigo stopped him. That acting around doesn't help either of them. Which leaves him stumped as to how to follow on, but give him a moment, and- ]
Let's not say anything out of character. Our character. [ There, how about that? ] I mean, when I say I like you confident, I like you going for what you want! Saying, doing... even just putting on this outfit is a lot for you. It doesn't need anything more.
[ That, does that make sense? Tidus holds his arms around Inigo's waist. Just being them - that's what's good. ]
Maybe a little bit too much sense. Sure, Inigo agrees that he likes it just fine when both of them are just himself - he totally fall for Tidus for who he is, after all. Even though they bicker like a bunch of toddlers every other hour. Even though they whine, and complain, and bicker and make up.. He likes Tidus. He likes all of him.
It's why that other part still kind of hurts. Even though he knows it's just because Tidus doesn't know. That's exactly why the other can say that what Inigo said isn't in character for him - because he doesn't know that those words were exactly what he does feel.
He does't avoid Tidus's gaze, if the other glances over at him. But Inigo doesn't immediately reply. He just stays there, right on Tidus's lap, taking in a slight breath, breathing it out again. ]
I..
[ He feels weirdly small. Terrified. The anxiety that has settled in his stomach is starting to form knots, totally forgetting any of it. The clothes. The makeup. ]
I meant that part though. About you being handsome. [ Can he say that? It's not like he's admitting to the full truth when he says that, right? It's not like he's saying he likes Tidus, it's just.. Just that he's admitting to an objective fact.
(Then why does he still feel so nervous anyway?) ]
[ Isn't it bad? Not bad, but- Tidus can't formulate it, doesn't know if his gut reaction is so right. That it's not bad, but it's not -- right. There's a line that's comfortable between them, one that doesn't separate, but signifies their relationship. The spots that friends exist in, a line that doesn't cross over. ]
I... [ But is it that? Tidus struggles to speak, when he remembers everything before between them with embraces. Him with never thinking about hugging other guys - or anyone - for comfort, and now this. For the exact same reasons, really. Because who else would you hold for affection than a girlfriend, a partner? Who else would you call handsome like this than someone you're interested in. ]
N...no... [ It's why he stumbles into the reply he does, his brow knotted, expression difficult with the place he's in, trying to make sense. It could be like that- their different tolerances, what makes sense and what's unusual. ] I guess I...didn't expect to hear it. It just sounded like... more. You know-
[ He messes the side of his hair, pushing back strands just to fiddle around, have something to do. Mumbling, struggling through his words. A dread in his stomach he doesn't want to acknowledge.
He raises his gaze, a breathy chuckle let out. ]
And you know, the first time we met - I thought you were gonna cry. [ Aha- ] I don't even remember what I said.
[ Only Inigo telling him to stop that, batting his hand in the air. The last thing on Inigo's mind surely being about how handsome or not he was. ]
[ Inigo stares at Tidus, carefully taking in everything about the other guy right now. Every little movement, every little breath. But it's hard. Inigo doesn't know how much of the way he's interpreting it all in his head is just because of his own insecurities, or how much of it is just due to objective reality.
Because right now - it all feels like the latter in his mind. He stares at Tidus while the other talks, and everything seems to point at the same thing. It just sounded like more, Tidus says, and it doesn't sound like he's exactly excited about the idea.
I hope you feel up to talking to him sooner and not later, Jingyi had told him. Inigo mentally apologizes to the other. He can't. He can't say it, even if it makes him a coward. Everything points towards Tidus just being totally weirded out by the idea of it, let alone it actually happening.
His heart is breaking, but Inigo shakes his head, forces himself to smile as wide as possible all over again. It's a miracle that he's not breaking out into tears at the same time. ]
Sorry, sorry!
[ It's a bit of a mood shift compared to his tone a moment ago, but what else is he supposed to do? Get upset and be unable to tell Tidus why? Ruin their whole night together, just because he's an idiot who caught feelings? He can't, so he'll just smile like a fool, no matter how much it hurts. ]
I guess I got.. way too carried away.
[ He laughs, and a hand reaches up, feeling for the tiara in his hair before grabbing a hold of it and pulling it out of his hair, off his head.
(Stupid, what was he thinking, that Tidus would see him like this and suddenly end up attracted to him after all?)
Both of his hands leave Tidus, even though he's still sitting on the other's lap, to instead fiddle with the tiara as he holds it in both of his hands. ]
You're right, I-- [ --didn't mean it that way. ] Of course it wasn't like that! I was just whining about other stuff that first time, and..
[ He sucks in a breath. Come on, Inigo. You can do this. ]
I'm just being silly. I promise that next time I do a surprise, it'll be less weird. So don't worry about it too much right now, yeah? It's fine. Let's just keep going.
[ They can't keep going - at least, Tidus isn't sure that they can. When Inigo takes off his crown, brushing away their conversation and trying to move on, doing his best to bury it. The pitch of his voice, everything that isn't clicking as right or into place. A part of Tidus tells him to ignore it; go along with it, follow his lead.
But he can't. Not when it's the only thing in the room now. Not when the clothes Inigo wears and the clothes Tidus doesn't, the sex, the foreplay - when none of them no longer matter. It's like a weighted silence still with a message, but Tidus can't interpret it. He can't. He can't.
He wishes he couldn't. ]
You're not weird. [ His own hands had moved, loosened in their hold where they met around Inigo's waist. But now they withdraw, uncertain for a second when to go before they raise to Inigo's arms, holding on firmly. ] You're not weird, [ he repeats, knowing that's what Inigo is really saying. His gaze lifting from the tiara, a struggle (as a voice tells him not to, no, you can't-), but coming to his face. ]
You're my best friend, and... you know I don't think you're weird. I care about you a lot, and I always will. I want you to be happy, and confident - and you'll always be an important part of this life I got. You're one of the best people I know.
[ It's rambling, if slower than his usual kinds. Avoiding saying what he doesn't want to say, while knowing he can't run away from this. That neither of them can, but that he can't be the only one to talk.
As scared as he is, as much as it threatens to break his heart. ]
Inigo.
[ He speaks his name as a plea, a request. For the truth. To tell him if he's really wrong, or what. ]
Inigo wants to beg for this to stop. For this moment in time to somehow be erased. This is just about everything he doesn't want, everything he never wanted. He'd pay anything he got just for Tidus to ignore all this and keep going again.
Please. Just not this. Anything but this.
Because every word Tidus is saying just feels like it makes it worse. Even though Inigo knows that Tidus means to be reassuring by repeating he's not weird like that, it's like a hammer slamming him into the ground with each iteration. And then all those other things he's saying--
It's obvious. He's just trying to comfort Inigo ahead of the inevitable, trying to make its impact less difficult to bear, but Inigo knows it's not going to be.
This is unfair. Why is Tidus forcing him to say it all the same, when it sounds like the other already knows? When - even worse - it already sounds like the other knows the outcome too?
Inigo feels sick, and he retreats. Moving off Tidus's lap, away from those arms, standing back up. His heart beats so quickly that it feels unhealthy, like it's about to make him throw up. ]
What do you want me to say if you already know? [ He doesn't look at Tidus as he says it, his gaze trained onto his own feet as if it's glued there. ]
[ Tidus doesn't try to keep him there. As he pulls away, climbing off from the bed, Tidus watches him, but doesn't keep his eyes on him. Dropping to his lap where his arms have fallen, he finds himself still occupied by what's been left.
I'm sorry, he wants to speak, but doesn't. He knows that won't make this better. He knows he's gone too far, crossing the border they weren't meant to.
I'm sorry, but I can't.
He wants to take all the blame, but he knows that he won't be carrying this alone. ]
...I'll take another room for tonight. [ It takes a while for him to speak, but he draws up his legs, looking for his shirt, the hoodie he dropped off. Picking up one before grabbing the other. ] Just to give us some room. I know... I know this isn't easy.
[ And what are either of them supposed to do - or say - now? ]
.. no. [ Inigo slowly says. Not to everything Tidus says, because he knows that there's no way to stop this now, that there's so much more in the words Tidus doesn't say here than what he does say.
Instead it's just a 'no' to-- ]
You.. take the room. For tonight.
[ It feels hard to even speak. Inigo can feel himself trembling like a leaf, even though he keeps his voice steady.
And even though he can already feel the tears forming in his eyes, his face smiles before he even realises it. Because his body just doesn't have any other reaction to this, other than to fall back into what's natural to do now. What it has practiced, over and over.
The tiara drops from his fingers, clattering against the ground. ]
It's.. my fault. So it's okay. You can have space. [ Where is Inigo going to go while looking like this? He has no idea. But it doesn't feel fair to send Tidus out for tonight when this is natural. When Inigo has known for months and months that this would inevitably happen, and that it'd be all his own fault.
He's already stepping over to the door without stopping, his steps speeding up until he's out of the door. He'll just go wherever. He'll find some spot to curl up. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
no subject
I want to be here with you. I only want to do this with you. Tidus, I--
But he stops himself. He knows it's deceptively easy for sure. It seems easy now, but he's going to regret it the moment the words leave his mouth - the moment Tidus turns him down or call him a huge weirdo for even feeling this way in the first place.
It leaves him just staring at the other, looking a bit like a goldfish with the way his mouth hangs slightly open. Inigo nervously licks his lips, and something about the look in his eyes fades a little, the constant smile in them finally giving way to something a bit more unsure.
He hates this. Hates his insecurities, hates that the mixed up feelings in his stomach always return to this, even at the most useless of times, like right this very instance. He hates that he couldn't just stick with it. ]
I wasn't.. roleplaying. [ At least he can admit to that part, though it already feels like it toes dangerously close to other things. But he tries to say it like he's just clarifying.
Especially when it feels like what Tidus is saying is instead close to heading into that direction. ]
It's just-- [ His gaze drops too. ] You said you liked it when I was confident. So I wanted to be like that for you.
no subject
But there's a few things tumbling around in his brain now. ] Oh. [ Like processing what's been said, what they should do, how Tidus's efforts are mucking this up more. A sheepish side glance as he admits. ] I was, uh, just roleplaying there... I thought it'd help?
[ Not that Inigo isn't his favourite dancer, but-! That's not the point here, he just wants to be clear. Or maybe it was already clear, and that's why Inigo stopped him. That acting around doesn't help either of them. Which leaves him stumped as to how to follow on, but give him a moment, and- ]
Let's not say anything out of character. Our character. [ There, how about that? ] I mean, when I say I like you confident, I like you going for what you want! Saying, doing... even just putting on this outfit is a lot for you. It doesn't need anything more.
[ That, does that make sense? Tidus holds his arms around Inigo's waist. Just being them - that's what's good. ]
no subject
Maybe a little bit too much sense. Sure, Inigo agrees that he likes it just fine when both of them are just himself - he totally fall for Tidus for who he is, after all. Even though they bicker like a bunch of toddlers every other hour. Even though they whine, and complain, and bicker and make up.. He likes Tidus. He likes all of him.
It's why that other part still kind of hurts. Even though he knows it's just because Tidus doesn't know. That's exactly why the other can say that what Inigo said isn't in character for him - because he doesn't know that those words were exactly what he does feel.
He does't avoid Tidus's gaze, if the other glances over at him. But Inigo doesn't immediately reply. He just stays there, right on Tidus's lap, taking in a slight breath, breathing it out again. ]
I..
[ He feels weirdly small. Terrified. The anxiety that has settled in his stomach is starting to form knots, totally forgetting any of it. The clothes. The makeup. ]
I meant that part though. About you being handsome. [ Can he say that? It's not like he's admitting to the full truth when he says that, right? It's not like he's saying he likes Tidus, it's just.. Just that he's admitting to an objective fact.
(Then why does he still feel so nervous anyway?) ]
Is it.. so bad to hear that..?
no subject
I... [ But is it that? Tidus struggles to speak, when he remembers everything before between them with embraces. Him with never thinking about hugging other guys - or anyone - for comfort, and now this. For the exact same reasons, really. Because who else would you hold for affection than a girlfriend, a partner? Who else would you call handsome like this than someone you're interested in. ]
N...no... [ It's why he stumbles into the reply he does, his brow knotted, expression difficult with the place he's in, trying to make sense. It could be like that- their different tolerances, what makes sense and what's unusual. ] I guess I...didn't expect to hear it. It just sounded like... more. You know-
[ He messes the side of his hair, pushing back strands just to fiddle around, have something to do. Mumbling, struggling through his words. A dread in his stomach he doesn't want to acknowledge.
He raises his gaze, a breathy chuckle let out. ]
And you know, the first time we met - I thought you were gonna cry. [ Aha- ] I don't even remember what I said.
[ Only Inigo telling him to stop that, batting his hand in the air. The last thing on Inigo's mind surely being about how handsome or not he was. ]
no subject
Because right now - it all feels like the latter in his mind. He stares at Tidus while the other talks, and everything seems to point at the same thing. It just sounded like more, Tidus says, and it doesn't sound like he's exactly excited about the idea.
I hope you feel up to talking to him sooner and not later, Jingyi had told him. Inigo mentally apologizes to the other. He can't. He can't say it, even if it makes him a coward. Everything points towards Tidus just being totally weirded out by the idea of it, let alone it actually happening.
His heart is breaking, but Inigo shakes his head, forces himself to smile as wide as possible all over again. It's a miracle that he's not breaking out into tears at the same time. ]
Sorry, sorry!
[ It's a bit of a mood shift compared to his tone a moment ago, but what else is he supposed to do? Get upset and be unable to tell Tidus why? Ruin their whole night together, just because he's an idiot who caught feelings? He can't, so he'll just smile like a fool, no matter how much it hurts. ]
I guess I got.. way too carried away.
[ He laughs, and a hand reaches up, feeling for the tiara in his hair before grabbing a hold of it and pulling it out of his hair, off his head.
(Stupid, what was he thinking, that Tidus would see him like this and suddenly end up attracted to him after all?)
Both of his hands leave Tidus, even though he's still sitting on the other's lap, to instead fiddle with the tiara as he holds it in both of his hands. ]
You're right, I-- [ --didn't mean it that way. ] Of course it wasn't like that! I was just whining about other stuff that first time, and..
[ He sucks in a breath. Come on, Inigo. You can do this. ]
I'm just being silly. I promise that next time I do a surprise, it'll be less weird. So don't worry about it too much right now, yeah? It's fine. Let's just keep going.
no subject
But he can't. Not when it's the only thing in the room now. Not when the clothes Inigo wears and the clothes Tidus doesn't, the sex, the foreplay - when none of them no longer matter. It's like a weighted silence still with a message, but Tidus can't interpret it. He can't. He can't.
He wishes he couldn't. ]
You're not weird. [ His own hands had moved, loosened in their hold where they met around Inigo's waist. But now they withdraw, uncertain for a second when to go before they raise to Inigo's arms, holding on firmly. ] You're not weird, [ he repeats, knowing that's what Inigo is really saying. His gaze lifting from the tiara, a struggle (as a voice tells him not to, no, you can't-), but coming to his face. ]
You're my best friend, and... you know I don't think you're weird. I care about you a lot, and I always will. I want you to be happy, and confident - and you'll always be an important part of this life I got. You're one of the best people I know.
[ It's rambling, if slower than his usual kinds. Avoiding saying what he doesn't want to say, while knowing he can't run away from this. That neither of them can, but that he can't be the only one to talk.
As scared as he is, as much as it threatens to break his heart. ]
Inigo.
[ He speaks his name as a plea, a request. For the truth. To tell him if he's really wrong, or what. ]
no subject
Inigo wants to beg for this to stop. For this moment in time to somehow be erased. This is just about everything he doesn't want, everything he never wanted. He'd pay anything he got just for Tidus to ignore all this and keep going again.
Please. Just not this. Anything but this.
Because every word Tidus is saying just feels like it makes it worse. Even though Inigo knows that Tidus means to be reassuring by repeating he's not weird like that, it's like a hammer slamming him into the ground with each iteration. And then all those other things he's saying--
It's obvious. He's just trying to comfort Inigo ahead of the inevitable, trying to make its impact less difficult to bear, but Inigo knows it's not going to be.
This is unfair. Why is Tidus forcing him to say it all the same, when it sounds like the other already knows? When - even worse - it already sounds like the other knows the outcome too?
Inigo feels sick, and he retreats. Moving off Tidus's lap, away from those arms, standing back up. His heart beats so quickly that it feels unhealthy, like it's about to make him throw up. ]
What do you want me to say if you already know? [ He doesn't look at Tidus as he says it, his gaze trained onto his own feet as if it's glued there. ]
no subject
I'm sorry, he wants to speak, but doesn't. He knows that won't make this better. He knows he's gone too far, crossing the border they weren't meant to.
I'm sorry, but I can't.
He wants to take all the blame, but he knows that he won't be carrying this alone. ]
...I'll take another room for tonight. [ It takes a while for him to speak, but he draws up his legs, looking for his shirt, the hoodie he dropped off. Picking up one before grabbing the other. ] Just to give us some room. I know... I know this isn't easy.
[ And what are either of them supposed to do - or say - now? ]
no subject
Instead it's just a 'no' to-- ]
You.. take the room. For tonight.
[ It feels hard to even speak. Inigo can feel himself trembling like a leaf, even though he keeps his voice steady.
And even though he can already feel the tears forming in his eyes, his face smiles before he even realises it. Because his body just doesn't have any other reaction to this, other than to fall back into what's natural to do now. What it has practiced, over and over.
The tiara drops from his fingers, clattering against the ground. ]
It's.. my fault. So it's okay. You can have space. [ Where is Inigo going to go while looking like this? He has no idea. But it doesn't feel fair to send Tidus out for tonight when this is natural. When Inigo has known for months and months that this would inevitably happen, and that it'd be all his own fault.
He's already stepping over to the door without stopping, his steps speeding up until he's out of the door. He'll just go wherever. He'll find some spot to curl up. ]