He wants to protest instantly that it isn't what he meant - not that they were abandoning them, or giving them up. But there's a weight to the way Inigo points it out that makes Tidus hold onto it, feel a pang of shame for not being more careful.
They should have one more carriage to reach the closest shower, and at least they'll have towels and their washing gear in their arms bands. A silence lingering, until Tidus feels comfortable to say, more thoughtfully:
"If we could let people come back to the train and rest, as we keep a watch over the transgates - I'd stick back to give people a break. Even if it's just to sleep in their beds for a night."
A chance to return, to take the breather; to care for themselves if things are tough. And his steps slow to a pause, Tidus turning to look at Inigo, their hands still held.
"It's okay to take a step back. Even just once in a while - we're not alone."
When Tidus looks back at Inigo like that, he can notice that the look on Inigo's face is looking awkward, yet apologetic.
It becomes even more obvious when he slowly replies with a: ".. Sorry."
It's not that he didn't know what the other was saying. And people deserve breaks. They deserve not being forced to have to do any of this - the train can say it's voluntary all it likes, but people on the train are just way too nice to stay behind and do nothing - but on the other hand, Inigo is bad at granting himself that kind of generosity.
He can't stop. Especially when he was focusing on the mission as a way to cope with how miserable he's been feeling about a whole lot of things for such a long time now. It's hard to tell himself to stop, since that means facing everything he was trying to repress.
But how does he put that in words? How could he drag down everything that much when Tidus is trying so dang hard to take care of him?
"I know, but I.. I can't. I can't go out there either," not in the state he's in right now, anyway, his hands feel like they would start shaking the moment he'd be confronted with those distortions again, "but I still feel bad."
Not admitting that would be the same thing as just outright lying in this moment.
".. it kind of feels like the train broke something about me, and I don't know how to fix it," he admits. It's so soft, nearly a whisper, despite the fact that there's no one else around to hide it from in the first place.
Maybe it's just that it's so hard to actually say it.
He could tell him that it'll be alright - that it'll be okay, Inigo will be okay. It's a reassurance that Tidus wants to give his friend, standing there; the vulnerabilities he admits to and can't stop himself from wearing, exposed. Dressed in his weakness and shame.
Tidus doesn't let go of their held hands as he steps in close. Without rushing, without the need to, his other arm coming around the other's shoulders in a tight hug to express what words alone can't: comfort, security. The kind of reassurance - the it's okay - that can't come off as dismissive.
"Then let's figure it out," he says gently, spoken close to Inigo's shoulder, hand rubbing the back of it. "However long it takes. We'll talk about it -- and take our time. How ever long you need."
Your own pace. No pressure. Because this didn't sound like anything that was going to be easy to fix in a day -- when Tidus wasn't sure it was a matter of a fix at all.
When it was everything building up, and wearing Inigo down.
It's exactly the thing that digs into Inigo the most here. The thought that maybe there isn't a fix for all of this. Because every single time he feels like he's doing a little bit better on this blasted train, something happens that kicks his legs entirely out from under him again. It's like something out there knows it the moment he feels even the faintest bit of happiness, and is then quick to correct the course of the world by making him miserable again.
It's why he can still sometimes have brief moments where he does feel relatively free of worries, or at least better - with a lot of them being caused thanks to the very guy holding him right now, mind you -, and then the next feel like he's entirely unable to breathe all over again.
Maybe it's going to always be like this. That's the most terrifying thought of all, especially after having been on the train for so long now.
He can't say that though. Not in the face of the other trying so hard to offer him hope. He can't even cry - already have run dry after his fit earlier.
"Thanks. .. Sorry."
They're mumbled words, just short ones, even a repeat of a moment ago. But Inigo doesn't know what else to say. Doesn't know how else to express both sorry for being here and thank you so much for what you do and feelings even more elaborate beyond those ones.
He raises his arms until his hands are resting on Tidus's back as well. Being this close makes it even more obvious how much they're in desperate need of a shower, but it doesn't matter as much right now.
"I know you're not having an easy time either."
None of them are. Being stuck here, losing their loved ones to the void, and even Tidus's own situation back home beyond that. It's what makes it harder to express his own pain, when he's supposed to be the one bearing other people's pain, rather than throwing his own on top of everyone else's burdens.
It's the first thing that comes to him; with the apology, the attention put upon himself. Why does Inigo need to apologise, think about any of that? When it doesn't matter to Tidus, and matters far less to him than any stink or dirt that clings to either of them right now.
"You make me happy. You make being here easier. I don't need an apology." Not an apology for being down, for not being where Inigo wants to be, but can't be. "--You're my friend, my best friend. I told you, and I mean it -- you matter to me more than anything. I want you to take care of yourself."
He thinks about pulling his head away to look at Inigo, but doesn't; wants to let Inigo have this support, his body to hold and lean on for as long as he needs.
"Okay?" So he can ask if he understands, that he'll accept it, without any looks.
By Naga, he wants to cry. Especially hearing those words. It's only due to the sheer fact that he's cried so much already that he isn't wailing the moment he hears those words, the one that hit right through to the core of his being. Instead his breath gets unsteady, like the first sign of him being about to erupt into tears..
But the actual tears don't come.
Instead Inigo just clings to Tidus for another moment, his grip tightening, like he wants to remember this. Even here, at what feels like the very bottom of the well the train and all its shenanigans have thrown him into, those words feel powerful. They give a little bit of light, of hope. At least he's not alone right now. Even though he fears it so much, even though this train puts him on edge about that very thing so much - at least he's not alone right now.
"Okay," he slowly manages to say. And even then it takes some work to force it out, his throat feeling so tight that he can barely breathe. The thought that him just existing and being here can make someone happy, especially someone this important to him, even when he's like this.. it's a lot.
"I love you so much." At least it's easy to tell that it's a very platonic kind of love, rather than anything romantic in this moment. It's just the strongest way Inigo can express this sort of thing - a guy for whom the l-word might come a whole lot easier. It's just a love for everything Tidus is in his life. His best friend, someone he's opened up so much to, even more than he has to pretty much all of his friends back home. "Maybe it's dumb, but-- but I really thought of you right away. When I was feeling that bad."
It's not easy to talk through these emotions, but he's trying. Maybe that, too, is part of him trying to take care of himself. To not shove this down, the way he has for the past few days.
As Inigo presses into their embrace more, so does Tidus, squeezing his arms around Inigo's form and burying the both of them into one another. He might not be the one crying, empty of tears, but his chest is still full, still heavy with his friend's suffering. He wishes he could give him so much more; let him have the time, the help he needs.
"Nothing about that sounds dumb to me." Needing - and wanting - someone close. Anyone at all. His voice spoken lowly, just for the two of them, but not quiet. "I'd want you to - if you ever need me, I'd want you to call on me. Whenever it is. ... Because I love you too, Inigo."
How can he pretend otherwise? This guy, he trusts his thoughts and vulnerabilities and stupidity and body and life to - of course he loves him. He loves him to bits.
"We promised we'd be here for each other - we'd make it easier. Better. And I still stand by that, 'cause I want to." He eases the vice of his hold around Inigo, but it's a difficult decision too; that he's peeling away this comfort, in exchange for a gesture less than it. But Tidus does it anyway, without shrugging out of their hug or anything; just so he can meet Inigo's eye, at least look at his face, and say what he does directly to him than over his shoulder.
Because anyone can say anything, but he wants to press into Inigo his honesty.
"I'm always with you, no matter what." No matter where he is, no matter if he's alive or gone; no matter. "You're nothing less, and you're not dumb, ever. You're just...a guy, just like me. And it's okay to take a step back. It's okay to change."
To not have to be invincible, a killer when the time demands it.
"I believe in who you are, Inigo. The good and bad." A tiny smile, and he can't help himself; he pulls back a hand, so he can brush the side of his hair.
"Why do you think I try making you shine so much?"
".. I kind of thought that it's just what you do."
His voice feels a little foreign to his ears, just a bit raw around the edges. Perhaps it is a remnant of his breakdown from earlier, or maybe it's because his emotions feel so raw in this moment too, like everything he's feeling is just stuck in his throat, and his voice is having a hard time squeezing itself past all of that.
But he does mean it, what he's saying. He doesn't think it's something Tidus is just doing with him. Even when he's around Taiki, or Jingyi, or any of their other friends.. Tidus is someone who makes other people shine. It's just what he does. Tidus isn't like a star, shining all by himself. He's like the sun, shining his light on everyone else, and making them shine too.
Inigo is just lucky to be able to task in that light, he thinks, as he now stares into Tidus's eyes.
He has a hard time holding the gaze when he feels this overwhelmed with emotion, but he tries anyway. It's the least he can do in return for the other. Whne Tidus is out here doing things that are difficult for him as well, like throwing around the l-word like that.
"But I-- I know. That you're that great. That.."
Inigo's voice trails off, and he shakes his head, still looking at the other.
"I was already worried, going into that mission. About everything back home, about our situation on the train.. and then this place-- it's like Ylisse. In so many ways."
The time and space travel inside of the distortions. The ruined wasteland. The undead warriors. It was just all a little bit too close for comfort.
"And in there, it felt.. it felt like back home, when I'd be fighting the Risen, and sometimes you'd be surrounded by so many of them that you wouldn't even have a clue anymore whether everyone else was still standing, if you weren't the only person left in a world full of those things." His voice shakes as he recalls it. It's been so long now since he's been in that wasteland - over a year on the train, and a few months of traveling to the past back home - but he can still recall it so clearly. Maybe because he's done it for years. Maybe because that felt so particularly traumatic, the idea of being all alone.
He sucks in a shakey breath.
".. I should've known though. That you're always with me." That he's never fully alone. "Just-- Just like you're saying now."
"You had to fight a lot." A truth, an acknowledgement; a sadness in the way he speaks it, but no less real - no less facing Inigo's truth. His gaze keeps on him back as Inigo did speaking to him, revealing himself; what he's had to carry not only in his heart but his being, the reality he lived with for years. For too long.
"You didn't have a choice, you had to be out there. And everything - everything just happens so much; even when nothing does, we just feel powerless. There's never anything we seem we can do." His gaze does drop here, briefly; how it's been true for so long. For as long as they've been on the train.
"But..." He strokes again the side of Inigo's hair, a small smile tugging on his face. Not lingering, but there for a second. "We're not there - in Ylisse. You have help - we all have help. We don't need to struggle that badly just to make it out on the other side. We don't need to scar ourselves like that. And we're not less for it - none of us are."
None of them should be made to feel that way. And if he can help encourage Inigo, at least in this moment:
"The Ministry are here. They said it's fine if we don't do this mission, so take it - at least for today. Just think about you. ...For me?"
It's always been hard for Inigo to accept those words. Maybe exactly because of what Tidus is saying here - that Inigo always had to fight, and that back home there never was anyone else to do it. That their faint numbers were already way too little to fight all of the hurt in the world, to try and save a dying world that was slowly slipping away between their fingers.
It makes it hard to believe those words now. That it really is alright, that there are other people who can take care of things. That everything will be okay, even if Inigo sits back for a moment. Even if he isn't putting himself through the wringer just to do as much as he can. Inigo couldn't believe the words when coming from the Ministry, still pushing himself, but..
.. it's a lot harder to discard those words now. When they're coming from Tidus, and his pleading puppy eyes.
"Okay."
For you, he thinks. Because Inigo is awful at accepting anything for himself, but he'll tell himself that he will do this for Tidus's sake, so the other won't have to worry about him as much.
"We can shower first. And then maybe, um. Nap?"
It feels indulgent, especially since napping surely will take longer than taking a shower. But if Inigo tries to put himself past the guilt of standing by, then he knows what he truly wants to do deep down in his heart is to just curl up with Tidus on a bed and pretend like there's nothing else in the world for a little bit. To just fill his entire world up to be only Tidus for a while, and to have that be okay.
Tidus dares to smile when he hears Inigo concede, dropping his hand from his head to his shoulder.
"Sure," he agrees. Shower, and a nap. "We'll lay around in bed - and we can listen to some music if we can't fall asleep."
There's a knowing tease in the suggestion, of whenever Tidus shares his taste of music with Inigo, and the resulting impression always being a grimacing expression of why. But if they fall asleep for a while, get to live in the fantasy of nothing else existing - then that works too.
Tidus drops his hands down from shoulders to arms, willing to take a step back, but still near enough for their hands to linger.
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blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
no subject
They should have one more carriage to reach the closest shower, and at least they'll have towels and their washing gear in their arms bands. A silence lingering, until Tidus feels comfortable to say, more thoughtfully:
"If we could let people come back to the train and rest, as we keep a watch over the transgates - I'd stick back to give people a break. Even if it's just to sleep in their beds for a night."
A chance to return, to take the breather; to care for themselves if things are tough. And his steps slow to a pause, Tidus turning to look at Inigo, their hands still held.
"It's okay to take a step back. Even just once in a while - we're not alone."
no subject
It becomes even more obvious when he slowly replies with a: ".. Sorry."
It's not that he didn't know what the other was saying. And people deserve breaks. They deserve not being forced to have to do any of this - the train can say it's voluntary all it likes, but people on the train are just way too nice to stay behind and do nothing - but on the other hand, Inigo is bad at granting himself that kind of generosity.
He can't stop. Especially when he was focusing on the mission as a way to cope with how miserable he's been feeling about a whole lot of things for such a long time now. It's hard to tell himself to stop, since that means facing everything he was trying to repress.
But how does he put that in words? How could he drag down everything that much when Tidus is trying so dang hard to take care of him?
"I know, but I.. I can't. I can't go out there either," not in the state he's in right now, anyway, his hands feel like they would start shaking the moment he'd be confronted with those distortions again, "but I still feel bad."
Not admitting that would be the same thing as just outright lying in this moment.
".. it kind of feels like the train broke something about me, and I don't know how to fix it," he admits. It's so soft, nearly a whisper, despite the fact that there's no one else around to hide it from in the first place.
Maybe it's just that it's so hard to actually say it.
no subject
Tidus doesn't let go of their held hands as he steps in close. Without rushing, without the need to, his other arm coming around the other's shoulders in a tight hug to express what words alone can't: comfort, security. The kind of reassurance - the it's okay - that can't come off as dismissive.
"Then let's figure it out," he says gently, spoken close to Inigo's shoulder, hand rubbing the back of it. "However long it takes. We'll talk about it -- and take our time. How ever long you need."
Your own pace. No pressure. Because this didn't sound like anything that was going to be easy to fix in a day -- when Tidus wasn't sure it was a matter of a fix at all.
When it was everything building up, and wearing Inigo down.
no subject
It's why he can still sometimes have brief moments where he does feel relatively free of worries, or at least better - with a lot of them being caused thanks to the very guy holding him right now, mind you -, and then the next feel like he's entirely unable to breathe all over again.
Maybe it's going to always be like this. That's the most terrifying thought of all, especially after having been on the train for so long now.
He can't say that though. Not in the face of the other trying so hard to offer him hope. He can't even cry - already have run dry after his fit earlier.
"Thanks. .. Sorry."
They're mumbled words, just short ones, even a repeat of a moment ago. But Inigo doesn't know what else to say. Doesn't know how else to express both sorry for being here and thank you so much for what you do and feelings even more elaborate beyond those ones.
He raises his arms until his hands are resting on Tidus's back as well. Being this close makes it even more obvious how much they're in desperate need of a shower, but it doesn't matter as much right now.
"I know you're not having an easy time either."
None of them are. Being stuck here, losing their loved ones to the void, and even Tidus's own situation back home beyond that. It's what makes it harder to express his own pain, when he's supposed to be the one bearing other people's pain, rather than throwing his own on top of everyone else's burdens.
no subject
It's the first thing that comes to him; with the apology, the attention put upon himself. Why does Inigo need to apologise, think about any of that? When it doesn't matter to Tidus, and matters far less to him than any stink or dirt that clings to either of them right now.
"You make me happy. You make being here easier. I don't need an apology." Not an apology for being down, for not being where Inigo wants to be, but can't be. "--You're my friend, my best friend. I told you, and I mean it -- you matter to me more than anything. I want you to take care of yourself."
He thinks about pulling his head away to look at Inigo, but doesn't; wants to let Inigo have this support, his body to hold and lean on for as long as he needs.
"Okay?" So he can ask if he understands, that he'll accept it, without any looks.
no subject
But the actual tears don't come.
Instead Inigo just clings to Tidus for another moment, his grip tightening, like he wants to remember this. Even here, at what feels like the very bottom of the well the train and all its shenanigans have thrown him into, those words feel powerful. They give a little bit of light, of hope. At least he's not alone right now. Even though he fears it so much, even though this train puts him on edge about that very thing so much - at least he's not alone right now.
"Okay," he slowly manages to say. And even then it takes some work to force it out, his throat feeling so tight that he can barely breathe. The thought that him just existing and being here can make someone happy, especially someone this important to him, even when he's like this.. it's a lot.
"I love you so much." At least it's easy to tell that it's a very platonic kind of love, rather than anything romantic in this moment. It's just the strongest way Inigo can express this sort of thing - a guy for whom the l-word might come a whole lot easier. It's just a love for everything Tidus is in his life. His best friend, someone he's opened up so much to, even more than he has to pretty much all of his friends back home. "Maybe it's dumb, but-- but I really thought of you right away. When I was feeling that bad."
It's not easy to talk through these emotions, but he's trying. Maybe that, too, is part of him trying to take care of himself. To not shove this down, the way he has for the past few days.
"Because you-- you make it easier too. For me."
no subject
"Nothing about that sounds dumb to me." Needing - and wanting - someone close. Anyone at all. His voice spoken lowly, just for the two of them, but not quiet. "I'd want you to - if you ever need me, I'd want you to call on me. Whenever it is. ... Because I love you too, Inigo."
How can he pretend otherwise? This guy, he trusts his thoughts and vulnerabilities and stupidity and body and life to - of course he loves him. He loves him to bits.
"We promised we'd be here for each other - we'd make it easier. Better. And I still stand by that, 'cause I want to." He eases the vice of his hold around Inigo, but it's a difficult decision too; that he's peeling away this comfort, in exchange for a gesture less than it. But Tidus does it anyway, without shrugging out of their hug or anything; just so he can meet Inigo's eye, at least look at his face, and say what he does directly to him than over his shoulder.
Because anyone can say anything, but he wants to press into Inigo his honesty.
"I'm always with you, no matter what." No matter where he is, no matter if he's alive or gone; no matter. "You're nothing less, and you're not dumb, ever. You're just...a guy, just like me. And it's okay to take a step back. It's okay to change."
To not have to be invincible, a killer when the time demands it.
"I believe in who you are, Inigo. The good and bad." A tiny smile, and he can't help himself; he pulls back a hand, so he can brush the side of his hair.
"Why do you think I try making you shine so much?"
no subject
His voice feels a little foreign to his ears, just a bit raw around the edges. Perhaps it is a remnant of his breakdown from earlier, or maybe it's because his emotions feel so raw in this moment too, like everything he's feeling is just stuck in his throat, and his voice is having a hard time squeezing itself past all of that.
But he does mean it, what he's saying. He doesn't think it's something Tidus is just doing with him. Even when he's around Taiki, or Jingyi, or any of their other friends.. Tidus is someone who makes other people shine. It's just what he does. Tidus isn't like a star, shining all by himself. He's like the sun, shining his light on everyone else, and making them shine too.
Inigo is just lucky to be able to task in that light, he thinks, as he now stares into Tidus's eyes.
He has a hard time holding the gaze when he feels this overwhelmed with emotion, but he tries anyway. It's the least he can do in return for the other. Whne Tidus is out here doing things that are difficult for him as well, like throwing around the l-word like that.
"But I-- I know. That you're that great. That.."
Inigo's voice trails off, and he shakes his head, still looking at the other.
"I was already worried, going into that mission. About everything back home, about our situation on the train.. and then this place-- it's like Ylisse. In so many ways."
The time and space travel inside of the distortions. The ruined wasteland. The undead warriors. It was just all a little bit too close for comfort.
"And in there, it felt.. it felt like back home, when I'd be fighting the Risen, and sometimes you'd be surrounded by so many of them that you wouldn't even have a clue anymore whether everyone else was still standing, if you weren't the only person left in a world full of those things." His voice shakes as he recalls it. It's been so long now since he's been in that wasteland - over a year on the train, and a few months of traveling to the past back home - but he can still recall it so clearly. Maybe because he's done it for years. Maybe because that felt so particularly traumatic, the idea of being all alone.
He sucks in a shakey breath.
".. I should've known though. That you're always with me." That he's never fully alone. "Just-- Just like you're saying now."
no subject
"You didn't have a choice, you had to be out there. And everything - everything just happens so much; even when nothing does, we just feel powerless. There's never anything we seem we can do." His gaze does drop here, briefly; how it's been true for so long. For as long as they've been on the train.
"But..." He strokes again the side of Inigo's hair, a small smile tugging on his face. Not lingering, but there for a second. "We're not there - in Ylisse. You have help - we all have help. We don't need to struggle that badly just to make it out on the other side. We don't need to scar ourselves like that. And we're not less for it - none of us are."
None of them should be made to feel that way. And if he can help encourage Inigo, at least in this moment:
"The Ministry are here. They said it's fine if we don't do this mission, so take it - at least for today. Just think about you. ...For me?"
As a treat?
no subject
It makes it hard to believe those words now. That it really is alright, that there are other people who can take care of things. That everything will be okay, even if Inigo sits back for a moment. Even if he isn't putting himself through the wringer just to do as much as he can. Inigo couldn't believe the words when coming from the Ministry, still pushing himself, but..
.. it's a lot harder to discard those words now. When they're coming from Tidus, and his pleading puppy eyes.
"Okay."
For you, he thinks. Because Inigo is awful at accepting anything for himself, but he'll tell himself that he will do this for Tidus's sake, so the other won't have to worry about him as much.
"We can shower first. And then maybe, um. Nap?"
It feels indulgent, especially since napping surely will take longer than taking a shower. But if Inigo tries to put himself past the guilt of standing by, then he knows what he truly wants to do deep down in his heart is to just curl up with Tidus on a bed and pretend like there's nothing else in the world for a little bit. To just fill his entire world up to be only Tidus for a while, and to have that be okay.
no subject
"Sure," he agrees. Shower, and a nap. "We'll lay around in bed - and we can listen to some music if we can't fall asleep."
There's a knowing tease in the suggestion, of whenever Tidus shares his taste of music with Inigo, and the resulting impression always being a grimacing expression of why. But if they fall asleep for a while, get to live in the fantasy of nothing else existing - then that works too.
Tidus drops his hands down from shoulders to arms, willing to take a step back, but still near enough for their hands to linger.
"Sounds like a plan to me."