No. [ The tears threaten to fall again, lining his eyelids as he hears Inigo try and take some of the blame. An arm wraps around Inigo's back, and he crowds his head back close to Inigo's collarbone, near to his chest; letting himself just be close to him, even if he really can't look at him like this.
But that's not important. He's here - he's here. ]
Don't. You... you didn't want to go. I kept thinking...the train would leave you. [ He struggles to talk around his tightening throat, the pain in there by his adam's apple. Every recollection of that time painful, to remember what could have been. ]
I tried everything... the train wouldn't answer us. It kept- it felt like it kept trying to leave. I was scared...
[ The grows become a whisper, but not intentionally. Tidus swallows, trying to recover his voice. ]
I was scared we'd leave you. And everyone. Jingyi... he was right in front of me, and the train knocked him out.
[ And then the train kept going, kept trying to leave, or seeming to. Having the carriages rock and shake, having no clue or answer as to what was going on, no ability to do a single thing. ]
[ Not that Inigo can't grasp Tidus's pain here. He gets it. Even though he was quite literally on the other side of this situation, on the other side of those doors, he can understand all of those feelings. He had to keep himself strong out there for the sake of others, especially since some people seemed really freaked out about the state of their worlds, but..
He had also been scared that the train would leave them behind. That they would all end up exactly like all of the people who disappeared after leaving on the platforms before.
The fact that Tidus is so upset, even though it would have been their fate and not his, says a lot about how kind and selfless the other is. Inigo keeps holding Tidus with one arm, but moves his other hand up, gently threading his fingers through the blonde locks near his shoulder. ]
I don't doubt that's at least partially because of you. You must have given the train so many pieces of your mind. [ Especially since Tidus is saying the train wouldn't answer them.
Inigo knows him. He knows Tidus so well. He can only imagine what kind of angry messages he must have sent. ]
Maybe it wouldn't have stopped at all if you hadn't spoken up, you know?
[ Maybe that's all Inigo can offer Tidus. Sure, the situation was resolved, but it was still a scary situation for all involved, and those feelings don't disappear so quickly.
And while Inigo can't do a thing about the fact that the entire situation happened, he can at least offer the other this much. Because he genuinely believes in what he's saying here. If the train didn't want to listen to them for.. - how long had they been out there, days? - then it probably would have continued like that if no one had complained. If no one had told it something was wrong. ]
[ They are here. There's still a way, a means of helping everyone, and grasping that is a lot. He'd thrown himself into the task as soon as it was possible, seeing them pull back the people, but never having the opportunity to let it sink in. No one was going to be lost, no one -
Not if they could help it. Tidus lets himself accept it, relish in it, thankful. There were still likely people to save, but for this moment, Tidus wanted to let himself feel his emotions, go through their waves of grief and happiness. He's doubtful though, of what Inigo says - that he had anything to do with changing the train's mind, hard to believe for a second.
The train wasn't listening. It pulled back. It has so much power over him, and Tidus can barely fight it or get through to it.
It makes tears want to fall again, stinging his eyes. But Tidus lets himself soak into this embrace, this fuss he's being given, the gentle stroke of his hair. Embarrassing, but he wants it. He wants someone so near and close, so he doesn't have to feel alone. ]
Inigo...? ... if we ever get separated... if anything happens, I'll look for you. Even if it takes me years, I'll do it. So...
[ Of all the things Inigo expected Tidus to say in this moment, these words sure weren't it.
They make Inigo go completely quiet for a moment, swallowing thickly as those words feel like they're hitting him like a truck. Not in a negative way. They're good words, after all, but they're just..
They're overwhelming. Inigo, with all his non-existence self worth, has never imagined anyone would go this far for him. That anyone would say something like that. It's a little less surprising since it's Tidus, and he knows Tidus is so kind and cares so much, but still.. His chest and throat both tighten, in that telltale way they always do, right before he's about to cry.
He tries not to cry though. Tidus crying is already more than enough for both of them, and right now Inigo wants to be the strong one. He wants to be here to comfort his friend, who's been through so much the past few days. Who must be exhausted, if Inigo already feels tired after only participating in a few rescue operations. ]
That's..
[ He starts, but it's like he can't get more than just that out of his throat.
Inigo holds Tidus a little tighter still. ]
Idiot.. you shouldn't waste years on me.
[ Maybe if it was a scenario like the past few days, where a lot of people important to Tidus got separated from him. Then Inigo would get it. If Tidus were looking for Taiki, for Roland, for any of their friends-- for Yuna.
But if Tidus had all of those people right by his side, and it was just Inigo missing, then.. ]
I'd rather just know you were being happy out there somewhere. [ Even if it's without him.
Inigo doesn't sound stern though. Not annoyed, nor angry - if anything, he just sounds like he's trying to hold back a whole lot of emotion here on his end, more than anything else. ]
[ It's funny, though Inigo doesn't mean to it to be. Happy out there somewhere, without me - when he'd been going crazy in trying to make the train listen to him, to bring him and Jingyi back. People who hadn't wanted to leave, just like the people who disappeared into the void, lost out there.
He reaches up, putting a hand to Inigo's cheek; moving his own head back to raise his chin, to look at the face above him. A small smile, his own face still damp and red from his tears. ]
How could I be happy leaving you behind? [ I've done that too many times. ]
We're finding you a home.
[ With Roland, with anyone, anywhere - but it'll be Inigo's choosing. His choice. ]
[ It's like his heart is getting smothered here. All Inigo has ever wanted is to receive this kind of care from people. To have someone said how could I be happy leaving you behind, that his presence was that important to them. And yet, at the same time - the idea of Tidus being miserable just because Inigo got thrown out by this dumb train makes it hurt as well.
His head leans forward, just so their foreheads can rest against each other, their faces close enough that it's like he can feel the heat of the tears and crying radiate from Tidus's own face. ]
Well.. I'm not accepting anything else for you either. We're going to find a way for you as well. [ Just to exist. There's got to be something out there in these myriad of worlds they travel.
Inigo refuses to accept the end of Tidus's story as just him disappearing into nothingness after all this. ]
You've worked so hard. You're still working so hard.
[ His hand moves from Inigo's cheek to around his back as he comes in close; not immediately, but eventually, eyes closing to the warmth of their proximity. ]
Okay.
[ Okay. It's taken time for him to accept, but - he's ready for it, he's sure. If he doesn't want to lose anyone to non-existence, then how can he say the same for himself? And in front of Inigo, after assuring him that he'll never give up on him. Couldn't. Wouldn't.
It might have something to do with how they're positioned now; what the last few days - the week - has been. But, with the two of them like this...
Tidus tugs his arm more around Inigo's shoulders and pulls him down, body against body. Inigo nearer to him to embrace than they'd been on their sides, but he wants this. The two of them, the comfort of their connection, their body heat. He lets his cheek come to rest on Inigo's; a nicer place, more likely, for their heads to be. ]
I want a life too, [ he admits, a fact that threatens to make his eyes sting again with fresh tears if he isn't careful. ] I just want to be...me.
[ With a sky, a weather, with someone warm in his bed, with a life to look forward to.
After all, it always feels like the other is so busy pushing everyone else to their happiest end possible that it's like Tidus always leaves himself out of that. As if he had already given up on himself - though that has slowly been changing, a fact that's solidified in the words the other is saying right now. ]
You'll be able to.
[ Inigo doesn't know how, but it doesn't matter. He'll stick around until they find a way, just like how Tidus will stick around until they find something that works out for Inigo as well. They'll safeguard each other until they find ways.
So he allows himself to be pulled down, shifting to settle in against the other. ]
We won't stop until then. Until we've got the happy lives we deserve. [ It's hard for him to say that too, since Inigo has always done the same thing as well. Focusing so hard on everyone else that he hardly ever stopped to think of himself.
But fair is fair. ]
Until we've saved everyone.
[ The people on the train whose worlds are in tatters because of the train. The people who need a safe solution because their world was in danger in the first place. The people who left the train. Everyone, everyone, everyone.
He kind of wants to look at Tidus, but it's hard in their current positions, and he doesn't want to shift around and change positions much yet from where he's lying on top of the other now. So instead it shows more through his tone than through his expression that the next matter he speaks on is a tad more fragile, even though he lets out a breath of a laugh. ]
You know, when I was thrown out of the train like that.. I thought of you right away. I was so worried the train might have thrown you out too, and that you would've--
[ Disappeared.
How come that always remains so hard to say? Inigo manages to keep himself from choking up as he says it, but it's still hard. ]
.. you know. [ They both know. ] I looked all over, just in case I could find some proof of it having happened. I really was worried..
[ He wants to be a little greedy, right now. As nice as Inigo's face can be to look at, the touch of him close is even nicer right now. The presence, body of another; not feeling so alone. Indulging in comfort, for comfort's sake.
Saving everyone... sometimes, it seems like an impossibility. An impossibility that he wants so desperately to come true, despite how powerless they are - how little they know. Can do.
Tidus keeps his arms wrapped around Inigo, but as he voices his fears, his lifts a hand, stroking idly the strands of blue hair at Inigo's neck. ]
...it wouldn't hurt. [ He knows that it isn't what Inigo's looking for, but if that had happened... there isn't much else he can promise Inigo. ]
But hey, you'd come find me, right? You'll put me back together. [ If he did disappear, was the one lost. There's only one of them that could come back to the train, in that case. He perks up his voice, trying to make a positive out of it. ] I'll see you again, probably. You know, I talked to Wuxian about my problem. Jingyi told me to talk to him a long time ago, but it's real weird, admitting you're some kind of - dream person.
[ It truly isn't fully what Inigo wants to hear here. Sure, it'd be better than that process being very painful for Tidus, but.. it still wouldn't change anything about how much it'd suck for Tidus to suddenly disappear just due to a whim of the train's, nor would it change anything about how much it'd hurt for the people he'd leave behind. Inigo doesn't even know if they'd be able to bring him back through anchoring, if it had gotten to that..
.. it's an awful thought, and so he quickly shoves it out of his mind, not wanting to think about it. Not when they're back together now. When they're alright. Instead he can focus on the rest of what his friend is telling him here. ]
You did? [ It's said softly, and perhaps a tad surprised. Inigo didn't think Tidus would ever talk with someone about it, outside of his closest friends.. Not even if it was to try and find a solution, or to understand it better.
There's a brief pause, like Inigo is processing that fact, and then he slowly asks: ] What did he say..?
[ He's also rather enjoying that stroking of his hair near his back, so don't mind Inigo if he suddely lies extra still on top of the other, wanting to just enjoy that soft and intimate sensation. ]
Well... [ Lucky for Inigo, he is still stroking his hair; not a lot, and just now and then, his fingers moving against the strands lightly more to feel them brush along his skin than any other purpose. ]
He was talking about strengthening my ability to stay without the SCA. So if anything does happen to it, [ Like Inigo might've worried, ] at least - maybe I'll be able to stick around longer, or without it.
[ Admittedly... ] We didn't get to talk about it too much, but I'll go back to him about it later - once we're done saving everyone.
[ They've got a big job waiting for them, and he's not at risk right now. It can wait. ]
[ Inigo won't push the other to talk about it with Wei Wuxian now - though Inigo does have a slight worry in the back of his mind about what might happen if the guy disappears before Tidus can ever ask him what he wanted to know.
But then again.. hopefully they should still be able to greet the people who disappeared once more before they're all sent back home to their own worlds, right? Tidus could ask the other then. Inigo has to keep that hope alive in his heart to prevent himself from going crazy with worry about the people who walked off the platform. ]
You better make sure to ask him by then though. [ Not that he thinks Tidus will need the reminder, but.. you know. Just in case he does. ] Or I'll ask him for you.
[ The scariest threat. ]
We're all going to be happy. [ Somehow. Even though it feels impossible in their current situation, still.. ] I'm not going to let go of you before that.
Isn't that the dream - isn't that the outcome they want. No matter the odds, n how constantly hopeless this all feels(, is). Tidus doesn't say anything, but he draws his arms closer about Inigo, soaks in his body warmth, the sensation of him on him, with him.
Whatever the outcome, they'll do it... without regrets. ]
Come on. [ They're words spoken, after a minute or so; indulging in each other, but if they're thinking of the future, then they need to focus on the now, too. Tidus's arms having loosened, but he doesn't make Inigo look at him - even though his own eyes are on the wall opposite. ]
We have everyone to save for now. We get them back, then we can ask Wei Wuxian sooner.
Inigo knows that it's a 'for now' that's still stretched out over a long period, if the time they've taken to get anything done so far shows anything at all.
But right here and now, with Tidus so close to him.. He can think of the 'for now' that's a little more short-term as well.
So he shifts. Moving just enough so he can actually press his lips against Tidus's.
It's nothing too wild, since he knows the other has got to still be tired.. but it works. Just something slight is enough for him in this moment. And perhaps it can soothe Tidus's heart a little as well. ]
How about this for now too, hm? [ He pulls his head back, just to show he's smiling at the other. ] .. don't worry, I know you're too tired for more.
[ To go all the way. ]
But we still have a few days worth of kissing to make up for, you know.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
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But that's not important. He's here - he's here. ]
Don't. You... you didn't want to go. I kept thinking...the train would leave you. [ He struggles to talk around his tightening throat, the pain in there by his adam's apple. Every recollection of that time painful, to remember what could have been. ]
I tried everything... the train wouldn't answer us. It kept- it felt like it kept trying to leave. I was scared...
[ The grows become a whisper, but not intentionally. Tidus swallows, trying to recover his voice. ]
I was scared we'd leave you. And everyone. Jingyi... he was right in front of me, and the train knocked him out.
[ And then the train kept going, kept trying to leave, or seeming to. Having the carriages rock and shake, having no clue or answer as to what was going on, no ability to do a single thing. ]
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[ Not that Inigo can't grasp Tidus's pain here. He gets it. Even though he was quite literally on the other side of this situation, on the other side of those doors, he can understand all of those feelings. He had to keep himself strong out there for the sake of others, especially since some people seemed really freaked out about the state of their worlds, but..
He had also been scared that the train would leave them behind. That they would all end up exactly like all of the people who disappeared after leaving on the platforms before.
The fact that Tidus is so upset, even though it would have been their fate and not his, says a lot about how kind and selfless the other is. Inigo keeps holding Tidus with one arm, but moves his other hand up, gently threading his fingers through the blonde locks near his shoulder. ]
I don't doubt that's at least partially because of you. You must have given the train so many pieces of your mind. [ Especially since Tidus is saying the train wouldn't answer them.
Inigo knows him. He knows Tidus so well. He can only imagine what kind of angry messages he must have sent. ]
Maybe it wouldn't have stopped at all if you hadn't spoken up, you know?
[ Maybe that's all Inigo can offer Tidus. Sure, the situation was resolved, but it was still a scary situation for all involved, and those feelings don't disappear so quickly.
And while Inigo can't do a thing about the fact that the entire situation happened, he can at least offer the other this much. Because he genuinely believes in what he's saying here. If the train didn't want to listen to them for.. - how long had they been out there, days? - then it probably would have continued like that if no one had complained. If no one had told it something was wrong. ]
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Not if they could help it. Tidus lets himself accept it, relish in it, thankful. There were still likely people to save, but for this moment, Tidus wanted to let himself feel his emotions, go through their waves of grief and happiness. He's doubtful though, of what Inigo says - that he had anything to do with changing the train's mind, hard to believe for a second.
The train wasn't listening. It pulled back. It has so much power over him, and Tidus can barely fight it or get through to it.
It makes tears want to fall again, stinging his eyes. But Tidus lets himself soak into this embrace, this fuss he's being given, the gentle stroke of his hair. Embarrassing, but he wants it. He wants someone so near and close, so he doesn't have to feel alone. ]
Inigo...? ... if we ever get separated... if anything happens, I'll look for you. Even if it takes me years, I'll do it. So...
Don't forget it, wherever you are.
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They make Inigo go completely quiet for a moment, swallowing thickly as those words feel like they're hitting him like a truck. Not in a negative way. They're good words, after all, but they're just..
They're overwhelming. Inigo, with all his non-existence self worth, has never imagined anyone would go this far for him. That anyone would say something like that. It's a little less surprising since it's Tidus, and he knows Tidus is so kind and cares so much, but still.. His chest and throat both tighten, in that telltale way they always do, right before he's about to cry.
He tries not to cry though. Tidus crying is already more than enough for both of them, and right now Inigo wants to be the strong one. He wants to be here to comfort his friend, who's been through so much the past few days. Who must be exhausted, if Inigo already feels tired after only participating in a few rescue operations. ]
That's..
[ He starts, but it's like he can't get more than just that out of his throat.
Inigo holds Tidus a little tighter still. ]
Idiot.. you shouldn't waste years on me.
[ Maybe if it was a scenario like the past few days, where a lot of people important to Tidus got separated from him. Then Inigo would get it. If Tidus were looking for Taiki, for Roland, for any of their friends-- for Yuna.
But if Tidus had all of those people right by his side, and it was just Inigo missing, then.. ]
I'd rather just know you were being happy out there somewhere. [ Even if it's without him.
Inigo doesn't sound stern though. Not annoyed, nor angry - if anything, he just sounds like he's trying to hold back a whole lot of emotion here on his end, more than anything else. ]
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He reaches up, putting a hand to Inigo's cheek; moving his own head back to raise his chin, to look at the face above him. A small smile, his own face still damp and red from his tears. ]
How could I be happy leaving you behind? [ I've done that too many times. ]
We're finding you a home.
[ With Roland, with anyone, anywhere - but it'll be Inigo's choosing. His choice. ]
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His head leans forward, just so their foreheads can rest against each other, their faces close enough that it's like he can feel the heat of the tears and crying radiate from Tidus's own face. ]
Well.. I'm not accepting anything else for you either. We're going to find a way for you as well. [ Just to exist. There's got to be something out there in these myriad of worlds they travel.
Inigo refuses to accept the end of Tidus's story as just him disappearing into nothingness after all this. ]
You've worked so hard. You're still working so hard.
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Okay.
[ Okay. It's taken time for him to accept, but - he's ready for it, he's sure. If he doesn't want to lose anyone to non-existence, then how can he say the same for himself? And in front of Inigo, after assuring him that he'll never give up on him. Couldn't. Wouldn't.
It might have something to do with how they're positioned now; what the last few days - the week - has been. But, with the two of them like this...
Tidus tugs his arm more around Inigo's shoulders and pulls him down, body against body. Inigo nearer to him to embrace than they'd been on their sides, but he wants this. The two of them, the comfort of their connection, their body heat. He lets his cheek come to rest on Inigo's; a nicer place, more likely, for their heads to be. ]
I want a life too, [ he admits, a fact that threatens to make his eyes sting again with fresh tears if he isn't careful. ] I just want to be...me.
[ With a sky, a weather, with someone warm in his bed, with a life to look forward to.
Who could want anything else? ]
no subject
After all, it always feels like the other is so busy pushing everyone else to their happiest end possible that it's like Tidus always leaves himself out of that. As if he had already given up on himself - though that has slowly been changing, a fact that's solidified in the words the other is saying right now. ]
You'll be able to.
[ Inigo doesn't know how, but it doesn't matter. He'll stick around until they find a way, just like how Tidus will stick around until they find something that works out for Inigo as well. They'll safeguard each other until they find ways.
So he allows himself to be pulled down, shifting to settle in against the other. ]
We won't stop until then. Until we've got the happy lives we deserve. [ It's hard for him to say that too, since Inigo has always done the same thing as well. Focusing so hard on everyone else that he hardly ever stopped to think of himself.
But fair is fair. ]
Until we've saved everyone.
[ The people on the train whose worlds are in tatters because of the train. The people who need a safe solution because their world was in danger in the first place. The people who left the train. Everyone, everyone, everyone.
He kind of wants to look at Tidus, but it's hard in their current positions, and he doesn't want to shift around and change positions much yet from where he's lying on top of the other now. So instead it shows more through his tone than through his expression that the next matter he speaks on is a tad more fragile, even though he lets out a breath of a laugh. ]
You know, when I was thrown out of the train like that.. I thought of you right away. I was so worried the train might have thrown you out too, and that you would've--
[ Disappeared.
How come that always remains so hard to say? Inigo manages to keep himself from choking up as he says it, but it's still hard. ]
.. you know. [ They both know. ] I looked all over, just in case I could find some proof of it having happened. I really was worried..
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Saving everyone... sometimes, it seems like an impossibility. An impossibility that he wants so desperately to come true, despite how powerless they are - how little they know. Can do.
Tidus keeps his arms wrapped around Inigo, but as he voices his fears, his lifts a hand, stroking idly the strands of blue hair at Inigo's neck. ]
...it wouldn't hurt. [ He knows that it isn't what Inigo's looking for, but if that had happened... there isn't much else he can promise Inigo. ]
But hey, you'd come find me, right? You'll put me back together. [ If he did disappear, was the one lost. There's only one of them that could come back to the train, in that case. He perks up his voice, trying to make a positive out of it. ] I'll see you again, probably. You know, I talked to Wuxian about my problem. Jingyi told me to talk to him a long time ago, but it's real weird, admitting you're some kind of - dream person.
[ Pretty awkward, honestly. ]
no subject
.. it's an awful thought, and so he quickly shoves it out of his mind, not wanting to think about it. Not when they're back together now. When they're alright. Instead he can focus on the rest of what his friend is telling him here. ]
You did? [ It's said softly, and perhaps a tad surprised. Inigo didn't think Tidus would ever talk with someone about it, outside of his closest friends.. Not even if it was to try and find a solution, or to understand it better.
There's a brief pause, like Inigo is processing that fact, and then he slowly asks: ] What did he say..?
[ He's also rather enjoying that stroking of his hair near his back, so don't mind Inigo if he suddely lies extra still on top of the other, wanting to just enjoy that soft and intimate sensation. ]
no subject
He was talking about strengthening my ability to stay without the SCA. So if anything does happen to it, [ Like Inigo might've worried, ] at least - maybe I'll be able to stick around longer, or without it.
[ Admittedly... ] We didn't get to talk about it too much, but I'll go back to him about it later - once we're done saving everyone.
[ They've got a big job waiting for them, and he's not at risk right now. It can wait. ]
no subject
[ Inigo won't push the other to talk about it with Wei Wuxian now - though Inigo does have a slight worry in the back of his mind about what might happen if the guy disappears before Tidus can ever ask him what he wanted to know.
But then again.. hopefully they should still be able to greet the people who disappeared once more before they're all sent back home to their own worlds, right? Tidus could ask the other then. Inigo has to keep that hope alive in his heart to prevent himself from going crazy with worry about the people who walked off the platform. ]
You better make sure to ask him by then though. [ Not that he thinks Tidus will need the reminder, but.. you know. Just in case he does. ] Or I'll ask him for you.
[ The scariest threat. ]
We're all going to be happy. [ Somehow. Even though it feels impossible in their current situation, still.. ] I'm not going to let go of you before that.
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Isn't that the dream - isn't that the outcome they want. No matter the odds, n how constantly hopeless this all feels(, is). Tidus doesn't say anything, but he draws his arms closer about Inigo, soaks in his body warmth, the sensation of him on him, with him.
Whatever the outcome, they'll do it... without regrets. ]
Come on. [ They're words spoken, after a minute or so; indulging in each other, but if they're thinking of the future, then they need to focus on the now, too. Tidus's arms having loosened, but he doesn't make Inigo look at him - even though his own eyes are on the wall opposite. ]
We have everyone to save for now. We get them back, then we can ask Wei Wuxian sooner.
no subject
Inigo knows that it's a 'for now' that's still stretched out over a long period, if the time they've taken to get anything done so far shows anything at all.
But right here and now, with Tidus so close to him.. He can think of the 'for now' that's a little more short-term as well.
So he shifts. Moving just enough so he can actually press his lips against Tidus's.
It's nothing too wild, since he knows the other has got to still be tired.. but it works. Just something slight is enough for him in this moment. And perhaps it can soothe Tidus's heart a little as well. ]
How about this for now too, hm? [ He pulls his head back, just to show he's smiling at the other. ] .. don't worry, I know you're too tired for more.
[ To go all the way. ]
But we still have a few days worth of kissing to make up for, you know.