Even with the hands on his, Tidus doesn't expect the touch of lips on his. Yet, it doesn't surprise him either; it just is, a force that drags him in, clinging on, seeking refuge in this exchange that Tidus tries to at least match with the hand that wraps around the back of Inigo's head to keep him close.
It's Erda all over again, but he's not the one who needs a lifeline to grasp onto. But maybe it's the reason he knows how to answer it, to give Inigo what he needs than to pull away; because they've been here plenty of times before, with Tidus licking and tugging at Inigo's lips, opening his mouth a little wider to let out his own tongue, ready to meet Inigo's sliding against his own.
More than tears leave his face damp, the saliva from their mouths, but Tidus doesn't care or concern himself with it. Going in for one last and lingering press of their lips like an ending piece, though even as he pulls away, he continues to leave tiny small kisses just to further cement it. A comfort, one last certainty, all to be sure - that Inigo's had his fill, that he's gotten what he's wanted.
Slowly, Tidus strokes the back of Inigo's head with a thumb.
Maybe this is some sort of hallucination after all, Inigo thinks. The most powerful form of wishful thinking. Him wishing that Tidus was here with him so bad that he's conjured up a version of Tidus that's immediately there, immediately doing absolutely everything to comfort him - including this. The deep desperate kiss, and then the soft kisses pressed against his lips, a way to tell him that he's okay for now.
It feels unreal. But even as they pull away, Inigo doesn't feel like he's waking up, or snapping out of some dream. When he opens his eyes, Tidus is still right there with him, and they're still right where Inigo as a moment ago. Still in that wasteland, right outside of the distortion that awoke every single traumatic memory within him.
At first he doesn't speak. He doesn't even move. He just passively accepts the kisses pressed against his mouth by the other, his brain slowly trying to process everything.
Slowly trying to calm down.
"Can we.." He finally starts. His voice sounds a little raw, like he has either used it too much or not enough. "Can we go.. somewhere else?"
Since apparently the fact that he doesn't have to keep going seems to have gotten through to him enough to not immediately want to dive back into that hellscape of a distortion.
And if he doesn't have to, if it's really okay for him to take a break, then.. then he'd rather do it anywhere else but right next to the distortion. Even if it's not visible, it still feels like it threatens to swallow him whole any moment now.
His face is a little flushed, from the heat of the domain's sun, from the kisses and emotions that linger on his skin, the wet speckles around his lips. Tidus rolls in his lips, is heart jittery for a lot of reasons. Nerves, mostly, and he can blame them on Inigo.
There's nothing more that he wants in this moment than for Inigo to know he's okay.
But he does seem to be listening, by the request that struggles to come out from his mouth. Tidus hums first, follows it with a, "We can," soft in its reassurance; before he brain actually properly thinks of where, but.
"We can go back to the train for a while - grab some supplies? Get a shower? Ask what the camps need and take them back out. We don't have to rush - just some hours away from here. We can cook some of those meals I forgot to make. They'll be good for later."
Activities to keep them busy, but away from here. His hands still resting on Inigo, though his face pulling back to give them both room.
He doesn't seem convinced of the word yet, especially since his face drops a moment later, staring at the hard ground underneath them. He stares like that for a moment or two, and then slowly nods again.
"Okay," he repeats.
It's like he's trying to convince himself that this is reality. That this is something he can just do. Leave and go back to the train, even if it's just for a little bit. Trying to convince himself that the mission won't suddenly fall apart, just because he isn't paying attention for a few moments.
He doesn't know if he'll feel that much better when he comes back, but it's better than trying to step into that distortion again and falling apart, and still better than going back to camp and showing everyone what kind of mess he is.
"You'll.. stay with me?" It's a dumb thing to ask, especially since Tidus was already implying as much. But Inigo can't help it. He's so vulnerable right now, and if he can cling onto even just one thing in this moment, then he wants it to be Tidus's presence right there with him. Something to keep him at least remotely stable.
There's just the smallest of huffs, something fond, when Inigo needs that reassurance. A smile that spreads across his lips, and Tidus raises his wrist with his SCA into view, bringing both hands into view as the other comes beside it.
"I'll even go the same second as you." It's light, more fun than this moment is, but the exact kind of ease that Tidus wants to present. That it's fine, that there's no uncertainty, no last second thing to be checked or to be put aside to sink Inigo into further guilt he'll be feeling.
Because he will be, anyway. But this is the time to prove that it's alright, okay - to not be what these missions force them to be, guilts them into being: selfless heroes.
It's fine to be selfish. It's fine to take care of yourself.
It's the exact sort of reassurance he needs. Just knowing that Tidus will at least be with him through all of it. Because if he wasn't, if it was just Inigo by himself.. Well, then surely he would have thrown himself right back into that distortion, no matter how much he'd hate it. No matter the fact that it would basically wear him all the way down.
He slowly moves his other hand over towards his SCA, in the direction of the evacuation button.
".. Let's do it then."
His voice is still weak, but at least he is committed to actually doing this - which is already a lot, by Inigo standards. It's a commitment that is entirely built up out of Tidus's reassurance, out of Tidus's presence here with him.
"Are you ready..?" After all, if Tidus is serious about that 'the same second deal', then they've got to do at least this little bit of coordination here before they press the buttons.
"Count to three," is Tidus's answer, already on the ball with coordination, and hearing it in Inigo's voice, too. This bro-communication of theirs is getting good, and he's happy to take the lead in this count.
"One - two - three!"
It's a countdown (or count-up) that Tidus delays just to see if Inigo's fingers move - but as long as he does, then he'll tap at his too, get himself sent off in a blink of darkness that's taken over by the sight of the luggage carriage.
Or, one sight of the luggage carriage, and then another as the shift makes him lose his crouched balance and end up on his butt, eyes swinging around as he confirms that yes, this is the luggage carriage.
Don't worry, bro. The bro-communication is working out here. Sure, Inigo might still be a little off his game, considering how weak this outpour of emotion after holding it in for days - god room break aside, anyway - has left him. But his desire to arrive at the train at the exact same moment as Tidus is too strong, just because it means that they wouldn't have let each other alone among all this, not even a single moment.
So his fingers move to press the button exactly at the three.
It's always such a wild swing to be transported back to the train though, and even though Inigo realises he is in fact in the usual luggage carriage, his brain still needs a moment to catch up, his head still spinning.
And yet there's already a hand blindly reaching out. It seems that Inigo ended up on the floor too, since he's able to grasp Tidus's wrist from there, feeling relief at the familiar sensation of skin underneath his fingers.
"T-- Tidus.."
They made it. Sure, maybe that's not really the most appropriate thought for the situation, since it's not like they were escaping a hectic situation this way.. for once. But with the mental distress that still hasn't fully left Inigo, it still feels like a relief to just know that the two of them made it here safely.
There's relief, and the quiet of the space - the lack of a heat bearing down from above - is bizarre after everything. It's normal; it's what their normal has become, these four walls with shelving and suitcases piled up and all over the place.
A kind of chance to escape they don't get to have, without the regret of leaving everyone else entirely. Tidus takes a hold of it, accepts it, his smile tight as he twists his hand to slip it into the one holding his wrist. Squeezing it, a reassurance.
"We're back," he says simply. Easily. He scoots onto his feet, and starts to rise without disconnecting their hold - instead, using it as an offer to help pick up Inigo (now, and always).
Their connected hands do mean that Inigo stands up virtually at the same time as Tidus. He knows the other wouldn't let go of his hand, but it's like Inigo is trying to prevent even the slightest chance of that happening all the same.
He might not be crying anymore, but his feelings still circle inside of his chest like a cyclone. He knows he still feels so vulnerable, so volatile, and he just needs to hold his bro's hand to feel like he's still got a little bit of stability in the middle of all of this. So he squeezes the hand when they're standing, making sure to hold onto it, even now it's no longer necessary to pull Inigo up.
"We can go together, right?"
Because a bro will be damned if he separates from his bro now, even if it's just because of a shower session..!!
Tidus won't take his hand back if Inigo wants it. He's gotten used to his appendages being comforts for others to hold onto (those others being very specifically Inigo and Taiki).
Hands? Who needs their own hands except to give to others?
"'Course." Nudity in the showers with a bro? They've done enough in them where the idea doesn't faze him. He even tugs Inigo hand, to make him follow his lead to the way out. "Hanging out under a shower after all that dry heat? Please! We can stay there overnight if you want."
Tidus can talk and babble and be as goofy as Inigo needs him to be right now, without needing to offer anything back. If there's anything Tidus is good at, it's rambling.
If only! Please, if there's anything they could use during these missions, it's showers. Apparently they will always lack something, even when they are being adequately provided for during this mission with all the food and equipment coming from the Ministry. Perhaps they should tell them that they need some showers too, next time those guys decide to dump them out into some near-desert.
But while that statement still lacks a bit of the usual Inigo, it's still closer to that than anything Tidus would have seen from the guy during the past few days. Here Inigo isn't being all serious, after all. It's more just that he's sounding weak, left unsure of his footing after that nervous breakdown.
But he's trying. He is following Tidus, holding onto the other's hand.
He's talking, and breathing. Those are already two useful things.
"Maybe the people of the Ministry are some weird guys who never get stinky, so they don't realise."
"Or they're keeping all the cool gadgets to themselves!" There's enough there for Tidus to grab and latch onto, more than just the hands held. A joke that's easy to keep going - which is good. They have a few carriages to go through, 'til they get anywhere close to any showers.
(They could use a transgate, but Tidus thinks the walk will do them good. Will do Inigo good, most of all.)
"How come after all this time, we still haven't gotten anything cool or handy? Trunks's got those bean-shaped capsules that poof out stuff - he should be giving us capsules with a shower and bathroom inside." Hah! "Could you imagine the queue? A porta-toilet and shower at the camps - you'd never get to use it!"
It does feel good. Just walking here on the train. Perhaps not with the usual weirdly distant sound of the void, since the train is just parked out here on this world, but it does leave a blessed quiet after all the noise of both the distortions and the camp.
Sure, Tidus's voice is instead filling up the quiet, but Inigo doesn't mind that so much. It's comfortable, familiar. If it wasn't for the fact that they're walking, he'd be tempted to just close his eyes for a few moments and listen to it. But the last thing he wants to do is accidentally walk into something like an idiot and have Tidus fuss over him even more.
So instead he just enjoys the babbling with his eyes open, this time actually squeezing Tidus's hand, unlike the time the other had found him earlier during the mission. A bit more Inigo-ness returning to him with every single passing moment.
"It'd be a worse line than there always is whenever we return from missions." Because then they'd all have to share one bathroom.
A total nightmare.
"Feels kind of nice to instead go to the shower here together." Because they don't have to worry about running into anyone, considering just how many of the train population was actually out there fighting and participating in the mission. Inigo doesn't have to feel as worried then, considering his sole company here is Tidus - and what hasn't the other guy seen from him already at this point?
When Inigo squeezes, Tidus swings their hands a little in response. A positive than a negative, something in-between as they talk; about nothing serious, far removed from everything severe and emotional just minutes ago.
"Wanna tell the train to park on-planet more often?" It does a few times, doesn't it? Though when Tidus thinks back, he can't remember too many times during missions. Irivar? Wait, yeah, Irivar-- "That's a good idea. We have the transgates now! We can move to and back way easier than before. We should let it know - then we can sneak off like this a whole lot more."
Said, with a sly tone, behaviour not suited to the serious Voidtreckers. But they deserve it - and having actual toilets around would be nice.
Maybe it's not exactly the right response to give when Inigo knows the other is just trying to be all light and playful about this - but the guilt of having basically ran away, even if it's just for a little bit, just weighs too heavy on Inigo's stomach for him to say anything else. For him to even entertain the idea of doing this more often.
If he's not out there saving people during missions, or trying to figure a way for people to return to their own worlds and to save the people they lost out there to the void - then what good is he? There's no way he can just think of doing fun things during moments where he's supposed to be working.
No matter how much he'd rather just be spending time with Tidus like this.
It's why those words don't sound scolding in any way. Instead they sound kind of.. sad, really. If not just in the wake of the emotions that completely overtook Inigo upon seeing just way too much of that distortion with the living corpses.
He wants to protest instantly that it isn't what he meant - not that they were abandoning them, or giving them up. But there's a weight to the way Inigo points it out that makes Tidus hold onto it, feel a pang of shame for not being more careful.
They should have one more carriage to reach the closest shower, and at least they'll have towels and their washing gear in their arms bands. A silence lingering, until Tidus feels comfortable to say, more thoughtfully:
"If we could let people come back to the train and rest, as we keep a watch over the transgates - I'd stick back to give people a break. Even if it's just to sleep in their beds for a night."
A chance to return, to take the breather; to care for themselves if things are tough. And his steps slow to a pause, Tidus turning to look at Inigo, their hands still held.
"It's okay to take a step back. Even just once in a while - we're not alone."
When Tidus looks back at Inigo like that, he can notice that the look on Inigo's face is looking awkward, yet apologetic.
It becomes even more obvious when he slowly replies with a: ".. Sorry."
It's not that he didn't know what the other was saying. And people deserve breaks. They deserve not being forced to have to do any of this - the train can say it's voluntary all it likes, but people on the train are just way too nice to stay behind and do nothing - but on the other hand, Inigo is bad at granting himself that kind of generosity.
He can't stop. Especially when he was focusing on the mission as a way to cope with how miserable he's been feeling about a whole lot of things for such a long time now. It's hard to tell himself to stop, since that means facing everything he was trying to repress.
But how does he put that in words? How could he drag down everything that much when Tidus is trying so dang hard to take care of him?
"I know, but I.. I can't. I can't go out there either," not in the state he's in right now, anyway, his hands feel like they would start shaking the moment he'd be confronted with those distortions again, "but I still feel bad."
Not admitting that would be the same thing as just outright lying in this moment.
".. it kind of feels like the train broke something about me, and I don't know how to fix it," he admits. It's so soft, nearly a whisper, despite the fact that there's no one else around to hide it from in the first place.
Maybe it's just that it's so hard to actually say it.
He could tell him that it'll be alright - that it'll be okay, Inigo will be okay. It's a reassurance that Tidus wants to give his friend, standing there; the vulnerabilities he admits to and can't stop himself from wearing, exposed. Dressed in his weakness and shame.
Tidus doesn't let go of their held hands as he steps in close. Without rushing, without the need to, his other arm coming around the other's shoulders in a tight hug to express what words alone can't: comfort, security. The kind of reassurance - the it's okay - that can't come off as dismissive.
"Then let's figure it out," he says gently, spoken close to Inigo's shoulder, hand rubbing the back of it. "However long it takes. We'll talk about it -- and take our time. How ever long you need."
Your own pace. No pressure. Because this didn't sound like anything that was going to be easy to fix in a day -- when Tidus wasn't sure it was a matter of a fix at all.
When it was everything building up, and wearing Inigo down.
It's exactly the thing that digs into Inigo the most here. The thought that maybe there isn't a fix for all of this. Because every single time he feels like he's doing a little bit better on this blasted train, something happens that kicks his legs entirely out from under him again. It's like something out there knows it the moment he feels even the faintest bit of happiness, and is then quick to correct the course of the world by making him miserable again.
It's why he can still sometimes have brief moments where he does feel relatively free of worries, or at least better - with a lot of them being caused thanks to the very guy holding him right now, mind you -, and then the next feel like he's entirely unable to breathe all over again.
Maybe it's going to always be like this. That's the most terrifying thought of all, especially after having been on the train for so long now.
He can't say that though. Not in the face of the other trying so hard to offer him hope. He can't even cry - already have run dry after his fit earlier.
"Thanks. .. Sorry."
They're mumbled words, just short ones, even a repeat of a moment ago. But Inigo doesn't know what else to say. Doesn't know how else to express both sorry for being here and thank you so much for what you do and feelings even more elaborate beyond those ones.
He raises his arms until his hands are resting on Tidus's back as well. Being this close makes it even more obvious how much they're in desperate need of a shower, but it doesn't matter as much right now.
"I know you're not having an easy time either."
None of them are. Being stuck here, losing their loved ones to the void, and even Tidus's own situation back home beyond that. It's what makes it harder to express his own pain, when he's supposed to be the one bearing other people's pain, rather than throwing his own on top of everyone else's burdens.
It's the first thing that comes to him; with the apology, the attention put upon himself. Why does Inigo need to apologise, think about any of that? When it doesn't matter to Tidus, and matters far less to him than any stink or dirt that clings to either of them right now.
"You make me happy. You make being here easier. I don't need an apology." Not an apology for being down, for not being where Inigo wants to be, but can't be. "--You're my friend, my best friend. I told you, and I mean it -- you matter to me more than anything. I want you to take care of yourself."
He thinks about pulling his head away to look at Inigo, but doesn't; wants to let Inigo have this support, his body to hold and lean on for as long as he needs.
"Okay?" So he can ask if he understands, that he'll accept it, without any looks.
By Naga, he wants to cry. Especially hearing those words. It's only due to the sheer fact that he's cried so much already that he isn't wailing the moment he hears those words, the one that hit right through to the core of his being. Instead his breath gets unsteady, like the first sign of him being about to erupt into tears..
But the actual tears don't come.
Instead Inigo just clings to Tidus for another moment, his grip tightening, like he wants to remember this. Even here, at what feels like the very bottom of the well the train and all its shenanigans have thrown him into, those words feel powerful. They give a little bit of light, of hope. At least he's not alone right now. Even though he fears it so much, even though this train puts him on edge about that very thing so much - at least he's not alone right now.
"Okay," he slowly manages to say. And even then it takes some work to force it out, his throat feeling so tight that he can barely breathe. The thought that him just existing and being here can make someone happy, especially someone this important to him, even when he's like this.. it's a lot.
"I love you so much." At least it's easy to tell that it's a very platonic kind of love, rather than anything romantic in this moment. It's just the strongest way Inigo can express this sort of thing - a guy for whom the l-word might come a whole lot easier. It's just a love for everything Tidus is in his life. His best friend, someone he's opened up so much to, even more than he has to pretty much all of his friends back home. "Maybe it's dumb, but-- but I really thought of you right away. When I was feeling that bad."
It's not easy to talk through these emotions, but he's trying. Maybe that, too, is part of him trying to take care of himself. To not shove this down, the way he has for the past few days.
As Inigo presses into their embrace more, so does Tidus, squeezing his arms around Inigo's form and burying the both of them into one another. He might not be the one crying, empty of tears, but his chest is still full, still heavy with his friend's suffering. He wishes he could give him so much more; let him have the time, the help he needs.
"Nothing about that sounds dumb to me." Needing - and wanting - someone close. Anyone at all. His voice spoken lowly, just for the two of them, but not quiet. "I'd want you to - if you ever need me, I'd want you to call on me. Whenever it is. ... Because I love you too, Inigo."
How can he pretend otherwise? This guy, he trusts his thoughts and vulnerabilities and stupidity and body and life to - of course he loves him. He loves him to bits.
"We promised we'd be here for each other - we'd make it easier. Better. And I still stand by that, 'cause I want to." He eases the vice of his hold around Inigo, but it's a difficult decision too; that he's peeling away this comfort, in exchange for a gesture less than it. But Tidus does it anyway, without shrugging out of their hug or anything; just so he can meet Inigo's eye, at least look at his face, and say what he does directly to him than over his shoulder.
Because anyone can say anything, but he wants to press into Inigo his honesty.
"I'm always with you, no matter what." No matter where he is, no matter if he's alive or gone; no matter. "You're nothing less, and you're not dumb, ever. You're just...a guy, just like me. And it's okay to take a step back. It's okay to change."
To not have to be invincible, a killer when the time demands it.
"I believe in who you are, Inigo. The good and bad." A tiny smile, and he can't help himself; he pulls back a hand, so he can brush the side of his hair.
"Why do you think I try making you shine so much?"
".. I kind of thought that it's just what you do."
His voice feels a little foreign to his ears, just a bit raw around the edges. Perhaps it is a remnant of his breakdown from earlier, or maybe it's because his emotions feel so raw in this moment too, like everything he's feeling is just stuck in his throat, and his voice is having a hard time squeezing itself past all of that.
But he does mean it, what he's saying. He doesn't think it's something Tidus is just doing with him. Even when he's around Taiki, or Jingyi, or any of their other friends.. Tidus is someone who makes other people shine. It's just what he does. Tidus isn't like a star, shining all by himself. He's like the sun, shining his light on everyone else, and making them shine too.
Inigo is just lucky to be able to task in that light, he thinks, as he now stares into Tidus's eyes.
He has a hard time holding the gaze when he feels this overwhelmed with emotion, but he tries anyway. It's the least he can do in return for the other. Whne Tidus is out here doing things that are difficult for him as well, like throwing around the l-word like that.
"But I-- I know. That you're that great. That.."
Inigo's voice trails off, and he shakes his head, still looking at the other.
"I was already worried, going into that mission. About everything back home, about our situation on the train.. and then this place-- it's like Ylisse. In so many ways."
The time and space travel inside of the distortions. The ruined wasteland. The undead warriors. It was just all a little bit too close for comfort.
"And in there, it felt.. it felt like back home, when I'd be fighting the Risen, and sometimes you'd be surrounded by so many of them that you wouldn't even have a clue anymore whether everyone else was still standing, if you weren't the only person left in a world full of those things." His voice shakes as he recalls it. It's been so long now since he's been in that wasteland - over a year on the train, and a few months of traveling to the past back home - but he can still recall it so clearly. Maybe because he's done it for years. Maybe because that felt so particularly traumatic, the idea of being all alone.
He sucks in a shakey breath.
".. I should've known though. That you're always with me." That he's never fully alone. "Just-- Just like you're saying now."
"You had to fight a lot." A truth, an acknowledgement; a sadness in the way he speaks it, but no less real - no less facing Inigo's truth. His gaze keeps on him back as Inigo did speaking to him, revealing himself; what he's had to carry not only in his heart but his being, the reality he lived with for years. For too long.
"You didn't have a choice, you had to be out there. And everything - everything just happens so much; even when nothing does, we just feel powerless. There's never anything we seem we can do." His gaze does drop here, briefly; how it's been true for so long. For as long as they've been on the train.
"But..." He strokes again the side of Inigo's hair, a small smile tugging on his face. Not lingering, but there for a second. "We're not there - in Ylisse. You have help - we all have help. We don't need to struggle that badly just to make it out on the other side. We don't need to scar ourselves like that. And we're not less for it - none of us are."
None of them should be made to feel that way. And if he can help encourage Inigo, at least in this moment:
"The Ministry are here. They said it's fine if we don't do this mission, so take it - at least for today. Just think about you. ...For me?"
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blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
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It's Erda all over again, but he's not the one who needs a lifeline to grasp onto. But maybe it's the reason he knows how to answer it, to give Inigo what he needs than to pull away; because they've been here plenty of times before, with Tidus licking and tugging at Inigo's lips, opening his mouth a little wider to let out his own tongue, ready to meet Inigo's sliding against his own.
More than tears leave his face damp, the saliva from their mouths, but Tidus doesn't care or concern himself with it. Going in for one last and lingering press of their lips like an ending piece, though even as he pulls away, he continues to leave tiny small kisses just to further cement it. A comfort, one last certainty, all to be sure - that Inigo's had his fill, that he's gotten what he's wanted.
Slowly, Tidus strokes the back of Inigo's head with a thumb.
no subject
It feels unreal. But even as they pull away, Inigo doesn't feel like he's waking up, or snapping out of some dream. When he opens his eyes, Tidus is still right there with him, and they're still right where Inigo as a moment ago. Still in that wasteland, right outside of the distortion that awoke every single traumatic memory within him.
At first he doesn't speak. He doesn't even move. He just passively accepts the kisses pressed against his mouth by the other, his brain slowly trying to process everything.
Slowly trying to calm down.
"Can we.." He finally starts. His voice sounds a little raw, like he has either used it too much or not enough. "Can we go.. somewhere else?"
Since apparently the fact that he doesn't have to keep going seems to have gotten through to him enough to not immediately want to dive back into that hellscape of a distortion.
And if he doesn't have to, if it's really okay for him to take a break, then.. then he'd rather do it anywhere else but right next to the distortion. Even if it's not visible, it still feels like it threatens to swallow him whole any moment now.
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There's nothing more that he wants in this moment than for Inigo to know he's okay.
But he does seem to be listening, by the request that struggles to come out from his mouth. Tidus hums first, follows it with a, "We can," soft in its reassurance; before he brain actually properly thinks of where, but.
"We can go back to the train for a while - grab some supplies? Get a shower? Ask what the camps need and take them back out. We don't have to rush - just some hours away from here. We can cook some of those meals I forgot to make. They'll be good for later."
Activities to keep them busy, but away from here. His hands still resting on Inigo, though his face pulling back to give them both room.
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He doesn't seem convinced of the word yet, especially since his face drops a moment later, staring at the hard ground underneath them. He stares like that for a moment or two, and then slowly nods again.
"Okay," he repeats.
It's like he's trying to convince himself that this is reality. That this is something he can just do. Leave and go back to the train, even if it's just for a little bit. Trying to convince himself that the mission won't suddenly fall apart, just because he isn't paying attention for a few moments.
He doesn't know if he'll feel that much better when he comes back, but it's better than trying to step into that distortion again and falling apart, and still better than going back to camp and showing everyone what kind of mess he is.
"You'll.. stay with me?" It's a dumb thing to ask, especially since Tidus was already implying as much. But Inigo can't help it. He's so vulnerable right now, and if he can cling onto even just one thing in this moment, then he wants it to be Tidus's presence right there with him. Something to keep him at least remotely stable.
Inigo moves up a hand, rubbing at his eyes.
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"I'll even go the same second as you." It's light, more fun than this moment is, but the exact kind of ease that Tidus wants to present. That it's fine, that there's no uncertainty, no last second thing to be checked or to be put aside to sink Inigo into further guilt he'll be feeling.
Because he will be, anyway. But this is the time to prove that it's alright, okay - to not be what these missions force them to be, guilts them into being: selfless heroes.
It's fine to be selfish. It's fine to take care of yourself.
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He slowly moves his other hand over towards his SCA, in the direction of the evacuation button.
".. Let's do it then."
His voice is still weak, but at least he is committed to actually doing this - which is already a lot, by Inigo standards. It's a commitment that is entirely built up out of Tidus's reassurance, out of Tidus's presence here with him.
"Are you ready..?" After all, if Tidus is serious about that 'the same second deal', then they've got to do at least this little bit of coordination here before they press the buttons.
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"One - two - three!"
It's a countdown (or count-up) that Tidus delays just to see if Inigo's fingers move - but as long as he does, then he'll tap at his too, get himself sent off in a blink of darkness that's taken over by the sight of the luggage carriage.
Or, one sight of the luggage carriage, and then another as the shift makes him lose his crouched balance and end up on his butt, eyes swinging around as he confirms that yes, this is the luggage carriage.
--But bro?? A bro?
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So his fingers move to press the button exactly at the three.
It's always such a wild swing to be transported back to the train though, and even though Inigo realises he is in fact in the usual luggage carriage, his brain still needs a moment to catch up, his head still spinning.
And yet there's already a hand blindly reaching out. It seems that Inigo ended up on the floor too, since he's able to grasp Tidus's wrist from there, feeling relief at the familiar sensation of skin underneath his fingers.
"T-- Tidus.."
They made it. Sure, maybe that's not really the most appropriate thought for the situation, since it's not like they were escaping a hectic situation this way.. for once. But with the mental distress that still hasn't fully left Inigo, it still feels like a relief to just know that the two of them made it here safely.
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There's relief, and the quiet of the space - the lack of a heat bearing down from above - is bizarre after everything. It's normal; it's what their normal has become, these four walls with shelving and suitcases piled up and all over the place.
A kind of chance to escape they don't get to have, without the regret of leaving everyone else entirely. Tidus takes a hold of it, accepts it, his smile tight as he twists his hand to slip it into the one holding his wrist. Squeezing it, a reassurance.
"We're back," he says simply. Easily. He scoots onto his feet, and starts to rise without disconnecting their hold - instead, using it as an offer to help pick up Inigo (now, and always).
"Wanna shower? Shower's good after a good cry."
Speaking from experience.
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He might not be crying anymore, but his feelings still circle inside of his chest like a cyclone. He knows he still feels so vulnerable, so volatile, and he just needs to hold his bro's hand to feel like he's still got a little bit of stability in the middle of all of this. So he squeezes the hand when they're standing, making sure to hold onto it, even now it's no longer necessary to pull Inigo up.
"We can go together, right?"
Because a bro will be damned if he separates from his bro now, even if it's just because of a shower session..!!
Not afraid of a little bro nudity, right, bro.
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Hands? Who needs their own hands except to give to others?
"'Course." Nudity in the showers with a bro? They've done enough in them where the idea doesn't faze him. He even tugs Inigo hand, to make him follow his lead to the way out. "Hanging out under a shower after all that dry heat? Please! We can stay there overnight if you want."
Tidus can talk and babble and be as goofy as Inigo needs him to be right now, without needing to offer anything back. If there's anything Tidus is good at, it's rambling.
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If only! Please, if there's anything they could use during these missions, it's showers. Apparently they will always lack something, even when they are being adequately provided for during this mission with all the food and equipment coming from the Ministry. Perhaps they should tell them that they need some showers too, next time those guys decide to dump them out into some near-desert.
But while that statement still lacks a bit of the usual Inigo, it's still closer to that than anything Tidus would have seen from the guy during the past few days. Here Inigo isn't being all serious, after all. It's more just that he's sounding weak, left unsure of his footing after that nervous breakdown.
But he's trying. He is following Tidus, holding onto the other's hand.
He's talking, and breathing. Those are already two useful things.
"Maybe the people of the Ministry are some weird guys who never get stinky, so they don't realise."
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(They could use a transgate, but Tidus thinks the walk will do them good. Will do Inigo good, most of all.)
"How come after all this time, we still haven't gotten anything cool or handy? Trunks's got those bean-shaped capsules that poof out stuff - he should be giving us capsules with a shower and bathroom inside." Hah! "Could you imagine the queue? A porta-toilet and shower at the camps - you'd never get to use it!"
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Sure, Tidus's voice is instead filling up the quiet, but Inigo doesn't mind that so much. It's comfortable, familiar. If it wasn't for the fact that they're walking, he'd be tempted to just close his eyes for a few moments and listen to it. But the last thing he wants to do is accidentally walk into something like an idiot and have Tidus fuss over him even more.
So instead he just enjoys the babbling with his eyes open, this time actually squeezing Tidus's hand, unlike the time the other had found him earlier during the mission. A bit more Inigo-ness returning to him with every single passing moment.
"It'd be a worse line than there always is whenever we return from missions." Because then they'd all have to share one bathroom.
A total nightmare.
"Feels kind of nice to instead go to the shower here together." Because they don't have to worry about running into anyone, considering just how many of the train population was actually out there fighting and participating in the mission. Inigo doesn't have to feel as worried then, considering his sole company here is Tidus - and what hasn't the other guy seen from him already at this point?
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"Wanna tell the train to park on-planet more often?" It does a few times, doesn't it? Though when Tidus thinks back, he can't remember too many times during missions. Irivar? Wait, yeah, Irivar-- "That's a good idea. We have the transgates now! We can move to and back way easier than before. We should let it know - then we can sneak off like this a whole lot more."
Said, with a sly tone, behaviour not suited to the serious Voidtreckers. But they deserve it - and having actual toilets around would be nice.
(Seriously.)
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Maybe it's not exactly the right response to give when Inigo knows the other is just trying to be all light and playful about this - but the guilt of having basically ran away, even if it's just for a little bit, just weighs too heavy on Inigo's stomach for him to say anything else. For him to even entertain the idea of doing this more often.
If he's not out there saving people during missions, or trying to figure a way for people to return to their own worlds and to save the people they lost out there to the void - then what good is he? There's no way he can just think of doing fun things during moments where he's supposed to be working.
No matter how much he'd rather just be spending time with Tidus like this.
It's why those words don't sound scolding in any way. Instead they sound kind of.. sad, really. If not just in the wake of the emotions that completely overtook Inigo upon seeing just way too much of that distortion with the living corpses.
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They should have one more carriage to reach the closest shower, and at least they'll have towels and their washing gear in their arms bands. A silence lingering, until Tidus feels comfortable to say, more thoughtfully:
"If we could let people come back to the train and rest, as we keep a watch over the transgates - I'd stick back to give people a break. Even if it's just to sleep in their beds for a night."
A chance to return, to take the breather; to care for themselves if things are tough. And his steps slow to a pause, Tidus turning to look at Inigo, their hands still held.
"It's okay to take a step back. Even just once in a while - we're not alone."
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It becomes even more obvious when he slowly replies with a: ".. Sorry."
It's not that he didn't know what the other was saying. And people deserve breaks. They deserve not being forced to have to do any of this - the train can say it's voluntary all it likes, but people on the train are just way too nice to stay behind and do nothing - but on the other hand, Inigo is bad at granting himself that kind of generosity.
He can't stop. Especially when he was focusing on the mission as a way to cope with how miserable he's been feeling about a whole lot of things for such a long time now. It's hard to tell himself to stop, since that means facing everything he was trying to repress.
But how does he put that in words? How could he drag down everything that much when Tidus is trying so dang hard to take care of him?
"I know, but I.. I can't. I can't go out there either," not in the state he's in right now, anyway, his hands feel like they would start shaking the moment he'd be confronted with those distortions again, "but I still feel bad."
Not admitting that would be the same thing as just outright lying in this moment.
".. it kind of feels like the train broke something about me, and I don't know how to fix it," he admits. It's so soft, nearly a whisper, despite the fact that there's no one else around to hide it from in the first place.
Maybe it's just that it's so hard to actually say it.
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Tidus doesn't let go of their held hands as he steps in close. Without rushing, without the need to, his other arm coming around the other's shoulders in a tight hug to express what words alone can't: comfort, security. The kind of reassurance - the it's okay - that can't come off as dismissive.
"Then let's figure it out," he says gently, spoken close to Inigo's shoulder, hand rubbing the back of it. "However long it takes. We'll talk about it -- and take our time. How ever long you need."
Your own pace. No pressure. Because this didn't sound like anything that was going to be easy to fix in a day -- when Tidus wasn't sure it was a matter of a fix at all.
When it was everything building up, and wearing Inigo down.
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It's why he can still sometimes have brief moments where he does feel relatively free of worries, or at least better - with a lot of them being caused thanks to the very guy holding him right now, mind you -, and then the next feel like he's entirely unable to breathe all over again.
Maybe it's going to always be like this. That's the most terrifying thought of all, especially after having been on the train for so long now.
He can't say that though. Not in the face of the other trying so hard to offer him hope. He can't even cry - already have run dry after his fit earlier.
"Thanks. .. Sorry."
They're mumbled words, just short ones, even a repeat of a moment ago. But Inigo doesn't know what else to say. Doesn't know how else to express both sorry for being here and thank you so much for what you do and feelings even more elaborate beyond those ones.
He raises his arms until his hands are resting on Tidus's back as well. Being this close makes it even more obvious how much they're in desperate need of a shower, but it doesn't matter as much right now.
"I know you're not having an easy time either."
None of them are. Being stuck here, losing their loved ones to the void, and even Tidus's own situation back home beyond that. It's what makes it harder to express his own pain, when he's supposed to be the one bearing other people's pain, rather than throwing his own on top of everyone else's burdens.
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It's the first thing that comes to him; with the apology, the attention put upon himself. Why does Inigo need to apologise, think about any of that? When it doesn't matter to Tidus, and matters far less to him than any stink or dirt that clings to either of them right now.
"You make me happy. You make being here easier. I don't need an apology." Not an apology for being down, for not being where Inigo wants to be, but can't be. "--You're my friend, my best friend. I told you, and I mean it -- you matter to me more than anything. I want you to take care of yourself."
He thinks about pulling his head away to look at Inigo, but doesn't; wants to let Inigo have this support, his body to hold and lean on for as long as he needs.
"Okay?" So he can ask if he understands, that he'll accept it, without any looks.
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But the actual tears don't come.
Instead Inigo just clings to Tidus for another moment, his grip tightening, like he wants to remember this. Even here, at what feels like the very bottom of the well the train and all its shenanigans have thrown him into, those words feel powerful. They give a little bit of light, of hope. At least he's not alone right now. Even though he fears it so much, even though this train puts him on edge about that very thing so much - at least he's not alone right now.
"Okay," he slowly manages to say. And even then it takes some work to force it out, his throat feeling so tight that he can barely breathe. The thought that him just existing and being here can make someone happy, especially someone this important to him, even when he's like this.. it's a lot.
"I love you so much." At least it's easy to tell that it's a very platonic kind of love, rather than anything romantic in this moment. It's just the strongest way Inigo can express this sort of thing - a guy for whom the l-word might come a whole lot easier. It's just a love for everything Tidus is in his life. His best friend, someone he's opened up so much to, even more than he has to pretty much all of his friends back home. "Maybe it's dumb, but-- but I really thought of you right away. When I was feeling that bad."
It's not easy to talk through these emotions, but he's trying. Maybe that, too, is part of him trying to take care of himself. To not shove this down, the way he has for the past few days.
"Because you-- you make it easier too. For me."
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"Nothing about that sounds dumb to me." Needing - and wanting - someone close. Anyone at all. His voice spoken lowly, just for the two of them, but not quiet. "I'd want you to - if you ever need me, I'd want you to call on me. Whenever it is. ... Because I love you too, Inigo."
How can he pretend otherwise? This guy, he trusts his thoughts and vulnerabilities and stupidity and body and life to - of course he loves him. He loves him to bits.
"We promised we'd be here for each other - we'd make it easier. Better. And I still stand by that, 'cause I want to." He eases the vice of his hold around Inigo, but it's a difficult decision too; that he's peeling away this comfort, in exchange for a gesture less than it. But Tidus does it anyway, without shrugging out of their hug or anything; just so he can meet Inigo's eye, at least look at his face, and say what he does directly to him than over his shoulder.
Because anyone can say anything, but he wants to press into Inigo his honesty.
"I'm always with you, no matter what." No matter where he is, no matter if he's alive or gone; no matter. "You're nothing less, and you're not dumb, ever. You're just...a guy, just like me. And it's okay to take a step back. It's okay to change."
To not have to be invincible, a killer when the time demands it.
"I believe in who you are, Inigo. The good and bad." A tiny smile, and he can't help himself; he pulls back a hand, so he can brush the side of his hair.
"Why do you think I try making you shine so much?"
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His voice feels a little foreign to his ears, just a bit raw around the edges. Perhaps it is a remnant of his breakdown from earlier, or maybe it's because his emotions feel so raw in this moment too, like everything he's feeling is just stuck in his throat, and his voice is having a hard time squeezing itself past all of that.
But he does mean it, what he's saying. He doesn't think it's something Tidus is just doing with him. Even when he's around Taiki, or Jingyi, or any of their other friends.. Tidus is someone who makes other people shine. It's just what he does. Tidus isn't like a star, shining all by himself. He's like the sun, shining his light on everyone else, and making them shine too.
Inigo is just lucky to be able to task in that light, he thinks, as he now stares into Tidus's eyes.
He has a hard time holding the gaze when he feels this overwhelmed with emotion, but he tries anyway. It's the least he can do in return for the other. Whne Tidus is out here doing things that are difficult for him as well, like throwing around the l-word like that.
"But I-- I know. That you're that great. That.."
Inigo's voice trails off, and he shakes his head, still looking at the other.
"I was already worried, going into that mission. About everything back home, about our situation on the train.. and then this place-- it's like Ylisse. In so many ways."
The time and space travel inside of the distortions. The ruined wasteland. The undead warriors. It was just all a little bit too close for comfort.
"And in there, it felt.. it felt like back home, when I'd be fighting the Risen, and sometimes you'd be surrounded by so many of them that you wouldn't even have a clue anymore whether everyone else was still standing, if you weren't the only person left in a world full of those things." His voice shakes as he recalls it. It's been so long now since he's been in that wasteland - over a year on the train, and a few months of traveling to the past back home - but he can still recall it so clearly. Maybe because he's done it for years. Maybe because that felt so particularly traumatic, the idea of being all alone.
He sucks in a shakey breath.
".. I should've known though. That you're always with me." That he's never fully alone. "Just-- Just like you're saying now."
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"You didn't have a choice, you had to be out there. And everything - everything just happens so much; even when nothing does, we just feel powerless. There's never anything we seem we can do." His gaze does drop here, briefly; how it's been true for so long. For as long as they've been on the train.
"But..." He strokes again the side of Inigo's hair, a small smile tugging on his face. Not lingering, but there for a second. "We're not there - in Ylisse. You have help - we all have help. We don't need to struggle that badly just to make it out on the other side. We don't need to scar ourselves like that. And we're not less for it - none of us are."
None of them should be made to feel that way. And if he can help encourage Inigo, at least in this moment:
"The Ministry are here. They said it's fine if we don't do this mission, so take it - at least for today. Just think about you. ...For me?"
As a treat?
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