[ His heart is beating so fast. When Inigo is that close to him, speaking that way, saying what he is with the words brushing against his skin, along his lips; Inigo isn't the only one who feels the want to cry, some small sudden urge inside Tidus. Emotion burns in his throat, knots forming at a rate he's not able to deal with. Flustered, caught off-guard -- and even getting a little frustrated, too.
He readies to speak; to speak against the kiss that he's sure is about to come, before Inigo changes his mind. No, Inigo knows what he's doing - Tidus is sure of that. But his cheeks are burning all the warmer, glad anyway for the opportunity he gets to move around the other guy, a second to gather himself. His hands drop from him, balling briefly into fists, but unfurling by the time he sits on the edge of the bed. He figures Inigo will want him to move farther on, but he needs to speak before they go on, his brows tilted as he looks up at Inigo. ]
Inigo, w-wait, before we go on -- I know this took you a lot of work and that you're really giving this everything, and I don't want you to feel bad! [ He's rushing, yes, he's rushing - because he knows that saying anything like this will make Inigo take it the wrong way, but he knows he won't be able to keep it in, he won't know how to act. ] But, the stuff you're saying... y-you don't have to say things like that, you know? I'm-- I'm really bad at acting! So could we take it... easier?
[ Easier on me? Easier on his heart, that doesn't know how to respond to compliments that sound like confessions. Is he the fan coming back to his favourite dancer? Is this how Inigo wants to be with a guy, a boyfriend? Guilt is already making itself a home inside his gut, and he's hoping desperately this won't go badly - please don't go badly. ]
[ The moment he hears Tidus utter those first words, so desperate and hasty, Inigo stops in his tracks, not fully having reached the spot where Tidus is sitting yet. But he doesn't need to be right in front of the other to feel the full impact of the words all the same. Anxiety sets in instantly, or rather, it's the nerves that were already in the pit of his stomach about this whole thing starting to grow stronger with each and everyone one of Tidus's words, feeling like they're about to reach a fever pitch when the other tells him to not feel bad. Which means he's going to say something that will make Inigo feel bad, or he wouldn't bother adding that disclaimer.
And he does. Not on purpose, obviously. Not in any malicious way. But somehow Tidus manages to say just the perfect words here to hit Inigo right in the heart.
Not even because he's worried that his whole setup here was too much for Tidus. No, it's because.. because he isn't acting. Sure, he's acting more confident about this than he really feels, but what he's saying, the words themselves.. Nothing about it is acted. It's just him being more honest with his feelings than usually.
But Tidus thinks it's just that - an act.
If only Inigo could tell him the truth. Just tell him that none of those words were a lie. But he's a coward, too worried that it will break something between the two of them forever when Tidus realises that Inigo was into him all this time. If he thinks all of this is an act, then.. he must not even be able to imagine it, huh? Actually liking Inigo in a romantic way. It's as hopeless as Inigo thought all along.
The nerves turn into something miserable. Inigo knows that feeling in the pit of his stomach, the one he always gets right before he's about to cry. But he can't let that happen here and now - he can't let Tidus feel like he's making Inigo feel bad, or that he's ruining something here. More than anything, he has to make sure all of this is nice and fun for Tidus. He promised. He can't cry. He thinks about all the moments he's thought that to himself before, all the times in the future where he had to be strong for everyone else's sake. Suck it up, cry later by yourself, he tells himself. ]
[ He manages it, out of pure habit. The same miserable feeling sits in his stomach, but he doesn't cry. He's careful to not even let his expression drop. Maybe his coy smile turns into something different, sure, something smaller and a bit more genuine, but the smile itself is still there. ]
Sorry that I went too far. [ Inigo says, adding a slight shake of his head.
He steps over until he's actually standing in front of where Tidus is sitting, but isn't following up with anything he had in mind. It's a lot - the juggling of his emotions, along with throwing around the whole schedule and plan he had in mind for this whole thing - but he's desperately trying to keep all those plates up. ]
Just tell me what you want then, okay? I promised this to you, after all. So I will go along with whatever you want.
[ There's a panic in Tidus. That he knows, despite his efforts, that he's going to see Inigo become discouraged - so discouraged - and this entire effort is going to go to waste. He's going to see it any second now, and it's a lump in his throat, pained and expanding for the words sitting and waiting to be thrown out to reassure the other even more.
But it doesn't come. Inigo is smiling on, and that might be the more puzzling part, hard for his already worked up brain to think about - but Inigo relents, and he's waiting, standing there, and Tidus's brain is an assortment of thoughts that've been thrown up and scattered, and he's trying to gather it all together now. This - Inigo's efforts, to go along with it, to appreciate absolutely everything about them.
Tidus shifts back more onto the bed, his knees dangling off the corner still. ] Come here, [ he guides gently, gesturing to his lap, voice sincere before anything sexy or commanding. He'll say 'sit' if Inigo is more on his knees when he does come to join Tidus, because when he does - he'll bring his arms around the other's shoulders, bury his head close to his collarbone and neck, taking a breath.
He doesn't know why he feels like this; his soul this pinch vulnerable, a feeling like he might cry in the back of his eyes. Not really, but - it's there, some horrible twisted emotion in his guy.
'You've been one of the most handsome guys I've ever seen, ever since I first laid eyes on you..'
It's stupid, it's so stupid. A stupid small overreaction, and he takes a breath, letting it release. ]
You really do look good in this. [ It's not meant to be a Sorry, but something fond, to make the thought concrete. A chuckle humming in his throat. ] You put all this together for a sexy night, and I'm--
[ Being stupid. The stupidest. What is he even doing now? He brings out his face from hiding, looking at Inigo with his face still painted warm; his arms dropping gently down from near his shoulders and down to his waist, hands joining around the back. ]
Want a do-over? With kissing?
[ He sounds almost shy, playful, soft. Just a very simple guy without a stomach for anything more than the usual. Nevermind his sudden antics when they came back on the train.
Just give his heart a minute to adjust (with kissing), and he'll be in the right mindset. ]
[ Inigo does sit down on the other's lap. Which, to be fair, was what he planned on doing in the first place after sending Tidus over to the bed.. but it was with an entirely different mood in mind. Without this heavy feeling sitting in the pit of his stomach, the one he wants to think about as little as possible right now, since he feels more like crying the more he thinks of it.
He should just stick to what he told Jingyi, he thinks when Tidus moves to hold him. This setup is great because it allows him to pretend. Just like right now, when he's sitting on Tidus's lap, when the other is embracing him in such a vulnerable and emotional way. It's easy to pretend Tidus would like him that way. That he does, right now.
Under no circumstances should he allow himself to get too carried away and think it might be real one day. He should watch what he says carefully.
The only thing that rips him out of those thoughts is Tidus's unfinished sentence. Because Inigo has been hard on himself often enough to know the sound of when someone is about to do so.
Inigo releases a breath before raising his hands, putting them on Tidus's cheeks, thumbs gently stroking the skin there. He hopes this isn't too much, that it won't make Tidus panic all over again. Inigo hopes that maybe the fact that he doesn't sound sultry or coy anymore at all when he speaks up might help. ]
Hey, don't worry so much about it. [ His voice is soft, little above a whisper. But his tone sounds genuine, and more than anything, it sounds like he's trying to comfort the other.
This feels easier. It's so much easier to comfort someone else than to take care of the hurt in his own heart. ]
You're fine, Tidus.. you're doing great. There's no need for do-overs when nothing's ruined in the first place.
[ Inigo leans in a little closer. Keeping his hands on Tidus's cheeks, but now pressing his lips against the other guy's, closing his eyes. ]
[ He wants to argue. Say that it isn't fine, that he's not saying everything's ruined, that he just wants Inigo to know that--
It's dumb. Dumb protests like he needs to reassure Inigo in a way that doesn't get him reassuring him and; and fortunately, it's that nagging in him that he knows to not let break the surface, not leave the bottom of his throat. To accept the lips that come to his, cheeks warm under the press of the palms against them - warmer for them there. Affectionate, kind.
Unsettling his stomach, to have anything like this, even if it's just in friendship. He brings his hands to the back of Inigo's head to keep him into a kiss, lips playing with the ones with his, trying to leave with his friend his gratitude. This might be a night for him, but he wants nothing but to give, give, give. Make up, at least some, for stumbling in this occasion Inigo put together for the pair of them. Pressing the pads of his fingers along hairlines, his forearms becoming comfortable over the tops of the shoulders they have to rest against.
He'll give Inigo his mouth if he wants it, to take their kiss deeper. But then, there's a few things he'd be willing to give Inigo - even if it didn't go along with the idea that led them here tonight. ]
[ Inigo does take the kiss deeper - practically the first opportunity he gets for it. After all, the last thing he wants to do right now is think. He can already feel his thoughts and feelings going into the dumbest places right about now, and he can't keep himself together if he lingers on those too long.
He wants his mind to be empty, to not think of anything. To forget about all this misery, and to just lose himself in the moment.
It's why he parts his lips, coaxing Tidus to do the same - and to move in the moment the other allows him access, seeming weirdly frenzied about it. His hands move from Tidus's cheeks, briefly stroking through his hair before landing on his shoulders, pushing against Tidus's shirt as if it has to go.
Inigo almost forgets to breathe in the middle of all of it. ]
[ Inigo isn't usually the one to be this pushy, this pressing. Tidus doesn't protest though when Inigo asks for more with his tongue, a kiss that wants to take the air out of his lungs, hands that are more blunt about what they want away.
Tidus takes back his hands in acknowledgement, removing his jacket and throwing it to the floor. He then grabs at Inigo's waist free of fabric, digging in fingers and dragging them, a touch that's trying to eat at him, his skin. But if Inigo signals at his shirt, grabs at the material to pull it off, then Tidus will drop his hold and raise his arms to get it off, by his efforts or Inigo's.
That too can go anywhere - on the bed, to the floor - as long as Tidus gets to take a moment on Inigo in turn: eyes admiring the body before him, the clothing framing it; with fingers riding up his belly, trying to sneak into the short black top. His forefinger doesn't manage to get in, but it doesn't stop the others from snaking to the chest hidden underneath. Tidus looks up, to search Inigo's face; to see what expressions he might be making, to decide what kind he'd like to have them make.
Or to catch Inigo's lips with his instead - whether he has to go to them, or because they're coming back for his. ]
[ It seems that Inigo had temporarily forgotten the fact that Tidus has much easier access to Inigo's skin than he usually would have. It's why he shivers, something Tidus should be able to feel more than ever before considering Inigo is still sitting on his lap, the moment he feels those hands on his waist, and then later fingers sneaking right under his top.
More. He wants more of it. He just wants to be touched by Tidus and forget about anything else. Inigo's face grows red, his mouth hanging open slightly, his eyes already half-lidded. It doesn't seem to be on purpose like earlier though. There's nothing about this he thought through beforehand.
It's all just the desperation of the moment. The same desperation that brings him back to Tidus's lips, kissing him deeply once more. Inigo's hands move over Tidus's body - down his shoulders, across his pecs, down to his abs. There's even a rush in those movements. Something still desperate, or perhaps greedy.
The kiss is only interrupted when Inigo pulls his face off Tidus's briefly, only to speak. To stare into the other's eyes, to see what he'll find there. ]
I.. I wanted.. to ride you today.
[ That had been the whole plan, even if he can't be super confident and charming about it anymore now. Even if he just wants to do it now because it'll keep him busy the whole time, unable to think. ]
[ It's all the kinds of reactions he wants: the way his body moves under his travelling fingertips, how eager Inigo is to kiss him again. A kiss interrupted briefly when Inigo's own wandering hands make him take a breath he isn't expecting to, body trembling, and his own in turn touching at Inigo more. Playing with the nipple he's found while his other rounds to the small of Inigo's back, rubbing along that free space of skin above the belt.
Yet, it doesn't get to last long when Inigo brings their kiss apart, lips damp and swollen, a half-lidded gaze that takes a second to adjust to reality. Tidus looks at Inigo at first, still lost in their kiss. But his expression then shifts as Inigo speaks, a blinking that turns shy, his mouth pulling into something embarrassed.
Why should it? When this is far from the first time they've had sex, fooled around. But the way Inigo says it - he feels clumsy about how to speak. When this isn't at all how Inigo was speaking before. How would he be asking it, if Tidus hadn't ruined it? But Tidus can't think of how to make up for it when Inigo's there, waiting for him to answer. ]
I... sure. [ Everything about him is on hold, not moving. ] Do you want me to take off my pants?
[ Nevermind that would have him completely naked, and so quickly, so soon. But if that's what Inigo wants, then he will. He'll get in place, do this right, not mess the mood up any further. ]
[ That half-shy, half-embarrassed state he's getting from Tidus isn't lost on Inigo. After all, how could it be, when the two of them are this close? It's hard to miss even the slightest twitch of Tidus's face when their faces are this close together, and Inigo feels more uncertainty pile up on the anxious feelings already dwelling in the pit of his stomach.
Did he ask for too much? Does Tidus not want to do that either? He's agreeing, so he must not hate the idea, but.. then what was that look for just now? Inigo is trying really hard to not be overwhelming here!
It feels as if he can't do anything right. Part of him just wants to run out of the room, but if anything could make things worse at this point, it's that. So he doesn't. He forces himself to stay right here where he is, on Tidus's lap, and forces a slight smile on his face. ]
If you want to..
[ His voice trails off for a moment though, in that way that means he's inevitably got more to say. His hands trail back up to Tidus's shoulders, and he shakes his head. ]
Like I said.. I just.. wanted things to be nice for you tonight. So if you don't want to, or you'd prefer something else.. You can tell me, you know? [ Come on, Inigo. Be better about this, he tells himself, and forces his smile to grow just a little bit bigger, even with his cheeks still pink. ] You don't have to go along with anything for my sake.
[ Is that what that look Tidus was giving him just now was all about? It kind of feels like it to Inigo. ]
No, I want to! [ Tidus hurries to get that out, to wipe the thought away. That he doesn't want this, to be here, any of it- ] It's--
[ But continuing, explaining - that's more difficult, stopping in his throat before it can come out. His shoulders slouching under Inigo's palms, his face tipping, gaze lowering; before they slowly lift back up, Tidus giving up his hesitations and admitting: ]
I'm just...sad that I ruined the mood you had going. Your whole plan. [ He's still being dumb, basically. A dummy who can't get over himself, but he doesn't want to completely ruin this either. He leans forward into the small space between their lips to kiss Inigo, holding onto it before breaking away. ]
My favourite dancer going through this effort for me, offering to put on a private show? [ He looks up into Inigo's eyes - a little awkward for the act he's slipping into, but maybe it'll work? --and he even manages to lift the corners of his mouth into a tiny smile. ]
You could be with anyone, and here I am, asking if I should just throw my pants off.
[ It always feels deceptively easy at moments like these. Because it's like Tidus is putting the ball right in front of an open goal when he says things like that. 'You could be with anyone', he says, and Inigo can feel words already bubbling up in the back of his throat, as if he could just say them.
I want to be here with you. I only want to do this with you. Tidus, I--
But he stops himself. He knows it's deceptively easy for sure. It seems easy now, but he's going to regret it the moment the words leave his mouth - the moment Tidus turns him down or call him a huge weirdo for even feeling this way in the first place.
It leaves him just staring at the other, looking a bit like a goldfish with the way his mouth hangs slightly open. Inigo nervously licks his lips, and something about the look in his eyes fades a little, the constant smile in them finally giving way to something a bit more unsure.
He hates this. Hates his insecurities, hates that the mixed up feelings in his stomach always return to this, even at the most useless of times, like right this very instance. He hates that he couldn't just stick with it. ]
I wasn't.. roleplaying. [ At least he can admit to that part, though it already feels like it toes dangerously close to other things. But he tries to say it like he's just clarifying.
Especially when it feels like what Tidus is saying is instead close to heading into that direction. ]
It's just-- [ His gaze drops too. ] You said you liked it when I was confident. So I wanted to be like that for you.
[ He says he wasn't roleplaying, but that doesn't track with Tidus. The things he said- they don't make sense otherwise, to call him handsome when he pulled him in, or any of that.
But there's a few things tumbling around in his brain now. ] Oh. [ Like processing what's been said, what they should do, how Tidus's efforts are mucking this up more. A sheepish side glance as he admits. ] I was, uh, just roleplaying there... I thought it'd help?
[ Not that Inigo isn't his favourite dancer, but-! That's not the point here, he just wants to be clear. Or maybe it was already clear, and that's why Inigo stopped him. That acting around doesn't help either of them. Which leaves him stumped as to how to follow on, but give him a moment, and- ]
Let's not say anything out of character. Our character. [ There, how about that? ] I mean, when I say I like you confident, I like you going for what you want! Saying, doing... even just putting on this outfit is a lot for you. It doesn't need anything more.
[ That, does that make sense? Tidus holds his arms around Inigo's waist. Just being them - that's what's good. ]
Maybe a little bit too much sense. Sure, Inigo agrees that he likes it just fine when both of them are just himself - he totally fall for Tidus for who he is, after all. Even though they bicker like a bunch of toddlers every other hour. Even though they whine, and complain, and bicker and make up.. He likes Tidus. He likes all of him.
It's why that other part still kind of hurts. Even though he knows it's just because Tidus doesn't know. That's exactly why the other can say that what Inigo said isn't in character for him - because he doesn't know that those words were exactly what he does feel.
He does't avoid Tidus's gaze, if the other glances over at him. But Inigo doesn't immediately reply. He just stays there, right on Tidus's lap, taking in a slight breath, breathing it out again. ]
I..
[ He feels weirdly small. Terrified. The anxiety that has settled in his stomach is starting to form knots, totally forgetting any of it. The clothes. The makeup. ]
I meant that part though. About you being handsome. [ Can he say that? It's not like he's admitting to the full truth when he says that, right? It's not like he's saying he likes Tidus, it's just.. Just that he's admitting to an objective fact.
(Then why does he still feel so nervous anyway?) ]
[ Isn't it bad? Not bad, but- Tidus can't formulate it, doesn't know if his gut reaction is so right. That it's not bad, but it's not -- right. There's a line that's comfortable between them, one that doesn't separate, but signifies their relationship. The spots that friends exist in, a line that doesn't cross over. ]
I... [ But is it that? Tidus struggles to speak, when he remembers everything before between them with embraces. Him with never thinking about hugging other guys - or anyone - for comfort, and now this. For the exact same reasons, really. Because who else would you hold for affection than a girlfriend, a partner? Who else would you call handsome like this than someone you're interested in. ]
N...no... [ It's why he stumbles into the reply he does, his brow knotted, expression difficult with the place he's in, trying to make sense. It could be like that- their different tolerances, what makes sense and what's unusual. ] I guess I...didn't expect to hear it. It just sounded like... more. You know-
[ He messes the side of his hair, pushing back strands just to fiddle around, have something to do. Mumbling, struggling through his words. A dread in his stomach he doesn't want to acknowledge.
He raises his gaze, a breathy chuckle let out. ]
And you know, the first time we met - I thought you were gonna cry. [ Aha- ] I don't even remember what I said.
[ Only Inigo telling him to stop that, batting his hand in the air. The last thing on Inigo's mind surely being about how handsome or not he was. ]
[ Inigo stares at Tidus, carefully taking in everything about the other guy right now. Every little movement, every little breath. But it's hard. Inigo doesn't know how much of the way he's interpreting it all in his head is just because of his own insecurities, or how much of it is just due to objective reality.
Because right now - it all feels like the latter in his mind. He stares at Tidus while the other talks, and everything seems to point at the same thing. It just sounded like more, Tidus says, and it doesn't sound like he's exactly excited about the idea.
I hope you feel up to talking to him sooner and not later, Jingyi had told him. Inigo mentally apologizes to the other. He can't. He can't say it, even if it makes him a coward. Everything points towards Tidus just being totally weirded out by the idea of it, let alone it actually happening.
His heart is breaking, but Inigo shakes his head, forces himself to smile as wide as possible all over again. It's a miracle that he's not breaking out into tears at the same time. ]
Sorry, sorry!
[ It's a bit of a mood shift compared to his tone a moment ago, but what else is he supposed to do? Get upset and be unable to tell Tidus why? Ruin their whole night together, just because he's an idiot who caught feelings? He can't, so he'll just smile like a fool, no matter how much it hurts. ]
I guess I got.. way too carried away.
[ He laughs, and a hand reaches up, feeling for the tiara in his hair before grabbing a hold of it and pulling it out of his hair, off his head.
(Stupid, what was he thinking, that Tidus would see him like this and suddenly end up attracted to him after all?)
Both of his hands leave Tidus, even though he's still sitting on the other's lap, to instead fiddle with the tiara as he holds it in both of his hands. ]
You're right, I-- [ --didn't mean it that way. ] Of course it wasn't like that! I was just whining about other stuff that first time, and..
[ He sucks in a breath. Come on, Inigo. You can do this. ]
I'm just being silly. I promise that next time I do a surprise, it'll be less weird. So don't worry about it too much right now, yeah? It's fine. Let's just keep going.
[ They can't keep going - at least, Tidus isn't sure that they can. When Inigo takes off his crown, brushing away their conversation and trying to move on, doing his best to bury it. The pitch of his voice, everything that isn't clicking as right or into place. A part of Tidus tells him to ignore it; go along with it, follow his lead.
But he can't. Not when it's the only thing in the room now. Not when the clothes Inigo wears and the clothes Tidus doesn't, the sex, the foreplay - when none of them no longer matter. It's like a weighted silence still with a message, but Tidus can't interpret it. He can't. He can't.
He wishes he couldn't. ]
You're not weird. [ His own hands had moved, loosened in their hold where they met around Inigo's waist. But now they withdraw, uncertain for a second when to go before they raise to Inigo's arms, holding on firmly. ] You're not weird, [ he repeats, knowing that's what Inigo is really saying. His gaze lifting from the tiara, a struggle (as a voice tells him not to, no, you can't-), but coming to his face. ]
You're my best friend, and... you know I don't think you're weird. I care about you a lot, and I always will. I want you to be happy, and confident - and you'll always be an important part of this life I got. You're one of the best people I know.
[ It's rambling, if slower than his usual kinds. Avoiding saying what he doesn't want to say, while knowing he can't run away from this. That neither of them can, but that he can't be the only one to talk.
As scared as he is, as much as it threatens to break his heart. ]
Inigo.
[ He speaks his name as a plea, a request. For the truth. To tell him if he's really wrong, or what. ]
Inigo wants to beg for this to stop. For this moment in time to somehow be erased. This is just about everything he doesn't want, everything he never wanted. He'd pay anything he got just for Tidus to ignore all this and keep going again.
Please. Just not this. Anything but this.
Because every word Tidus is saying just feels like it makes it worse. Even though Inigo knows that Tidus means to be reassuring by repeating he's not weird like that, it's like a hammer slamming him into the ground with each iteration. And then all those other things he's saying--
It's obvious. He's just trying to comfort Inigo ahead of the inevitable, trying to make its impact less difficult to bear, but Inigo knows it's not going to be.
This is unfair. Why is Tidus forcing him to say it all the same, when it sounds like the other already knows? When - even worse - it already sounds like the other knows the outcome too?
Inigo feels sick, and he retreats. Moving off Tidus's lap, away from those arms, standing back up. His heart beats so quickly that it feels unhealthy, like it's about to make him throw up. ]
What do you want me to say if you already know? [ He doesn't look at Tidus as he says it, his gaze trained onto his own feet as if it's glued there. ]
[ Tidus doesn't try to keep him there. As he pulls away, climbing off from the bed, Tidus watches him, but doesn't keep his eyes on him. Dropping to his lap where his arms have fallen, he finds himself still occupied by what's been left.
I'm sorry, he wants to speak, but doesn't. He knows that won't make this better. He knows he's gone too far, crossing the border they weren't meant to.
I'm sorry, but I can't.
He wants to take all the blame, but he knows that he won't be carrying this alone. ]
...I'll take another room for tonight. [ It takes a while for him to speak, but he draws up his legs, looking for his shirt, the hoodie he dropped off. Picking up one before grabbing the other. ] Just to give us some room. I know... I know this isn't easy.
[ And what are either of them supposed to do - or say - now? ]
.. no. [ Inigo slowly says. Not to everything Tidus says, because he knows that there's no way to stop this now, that there's so much more in the words Tidus doesn't say here than what he does say.
Instead it's just a 'no' to-- ]
You.. take the room. For tonight.
[ It feels hard to even speak. Inigo can feel himself trembling like a leaf, even though he keeps his voice steady.
And even though he can already feel the tears forming in his eyes, his face smiles before he even realises it. Because his body just doesn't have any other reaction to this, other than to fall back into what's natural to do now. What it has practiced, over and over.
The tiara drops from his fingers, clattering against the ground. ]
It's.. my fault. So it's okay. You can have space. [ Where is Inigo going to go while looking like this? He has no idea. But it doesn't feel fair to send Tidus out for tonight when this is natural. When Inigo has known for months and months that this would inevitably happen, and that it'd be all his own fault.
He's already stepping over to the door without stopping, his steps speeding up until he's out of the door. He'll just go wherever. He'll find some spot to curl up. ]
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blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
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He readies to speak; to speak against the kiss that he's sure is about to come, before Inigo changes his mind. No, Inigo knows what he's doing - Tidus is sure of that. But his cheeks are burning all the warmer, glad anyway for the opportunity he gets to move around the other guy, a second to gather himself. His hands drop from him, balling briefly into fists, but unfurling by the time he sits on the edge of the bed. He figures Inigo will want him to move farther on, but he needs to speak before they go on, his brows tilted as he looks up at Inigo. ]
Inigo, w-wait, before we go on -- I know this took you a lot of work and that you're really giving this everything, and I don't want you to feel bad! [ He's rushing, yes, he's rushing - because he knows that saying anything like this will make Inigo take it the wrong way, but he knows he won't be able to keep it in, he won't know how to act. ] But, the stuff you're saying... y-you don't have to say things like that, you know? I'm-- I'm really bad at acting! So could we take it... easier?
[ Easier on me? Easier on his heart, that doesn't know how to respond to compliments that sound like confessions. Is he the fan coming back to his favourite dancer? Is this how Inigo wants to be with a guy, a boyfriend? Guilt is already making itself a home inside his gut, and he's hoping desperately this won't go badly - please don't go badly. ]
1/2
And he does. Not on purpose, obviously. Not in any malicious way. But somehow Tidus manages to say just the perfect words here to hit Inigo right in the heart.
Not even because he's worried that his whole setup here was too much for Tidus. No, it's because.. because he isn't acting. Sure, he's acting more confident about this than he really feels, but what he's saying, the words themselves.. Nothing about it is acted. It's just him being more honest with his feelings than usually.
But Tidus thinks it's just that - an act.
If only Inigo could tell him the truth. Just tell him that none of those words were a lie. But he's a coward, too worried that it will break something between the two of them forever when Tidus realises that Inigo was into him all this time. If he thinks all of this is an act, then.. he must not even be able to imagine it, huh? Actually liking Inigo in a romantic way. It's as hopeless as Inigo thought all along.
The nerves turn into something miserable. Inigo knows that feeling in the pit of his stomach, the one he always gets right before he's about to cry. But he can't let that happen here and now - he can't let Tidus feel like he's making Inigo feel bad, or that he's ruining something here. More than anything, he has to make sure all of this is nice and fun for Tidus. He promised. He can't cry. He thinks about all the moments he's thought that to himself before, all the times in the future where he had to be strong for everyone else's sake. Suck it up, cry later by yourself, he tells himself. ]
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Sorry that I went too far. [ Inigo says, adding a slight shake of his head.
He steps over until he's actually standing in front of where Tidus is sitting, but isn't following up with anything he had in mind. It's a lot - the juggling of his emotions, along with throwing around the whole schedule and plan he had in mind for this whole thing - but he's desperately trying to keep all those plates up. ]
Just tell me what you want then, okay? I promised this to you, after all. So I will go along with whatever you want.
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But it doesn't come. Inigo is smiling on, and that might be the more puzzling part, hard for his already worked up brain to think about - but Inigo relents, and he's waiting, standing there, and Tidus's brain is an assortment of thoughts that've been thrown up and scattered, and he's trying to gather it all together now. This - Inigo's efforts, to go along with it, to appreciate absolutely everything about them.
Tidus shifts back more onto the bed, his knees dangling off the corner still. ] Come here, [ he guides gently, gesturing to his lap, voice sincere before anything sexy or commanding. He'll say 'sit' if Inigo is more on his knees when he does come to join Tidus, because when he does - he'll bring his arms around the other's shoulders, bury his head close to his collarbone and neck, taking a breath.
He doesn't know why he feels like this; his soul this pinch vulnerable, a feeling like he might cry in the back of his eyes. Not really, but - it's there, some horrible twisted emotion in his guy.
'You've been one of the most handsome guys I've ever seen, ever since I first laid eyes on you..'
It's stupid, it's so stupid. A stupid small overreaction, and he takes a breath, letting it release. ]
You really do look good in this. [ It's not meant to be a Sorry, but something fond, to make the thought concrete. A chuckle humming in his throat. ] You put all this together for a sexy night, and I'm--
[ Being stupid. The stupidest. What is he even doing now? He brings out his face from hiding, looking at Inigo with his face still painted warm; his arms dropping gently down from near his shoulders and down to his waist, hands joining around the back. ]
Want a do-over? With kissing?
[ He sounds almost shy, playful, soft. Just a very simple guy without a stomach for anything more than the usual. Nevermind his sudden antics when they came back on the train.
Just give his heart a minute to adjust (with kissing), and he'll be in the right mindset. ]
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He should just stick to what he told Jingyi, he thinks when Tidus moves to hold him. This setup is great because it allows him to pretend. Just like right now, when he's sitting on Tidus's lap, when the other is embracing him in such a vulnerable and emotional way. It's easy to pretend Tidus would like him that way. That he does, right now.
Under no circumstances should he allow himself to get too carried away and think it might be real one day. He should watch what he says carefully.
The only thing that rips him out of those thoughts is Tidus's unfinished sentence. Because Inigo has been hard on himself often enough to know the sound of when someone is about to do so.
Inigo releases a breath before raising his hands, putting them on Tidus's cheeks, thumbs gently stroking the skin there. He hopes this isn't too much, that it won't make Tidus panic all over again. Inigo hopes that maybe the fact that he doesn't sound sultry or coy anymore at all when he speaks up might help. ]
Hey, don't worry so much about it. [ His voice is soft, little above a whisper. But his tone sounds genuine, and more than anything, it sounds like he's trying to comfort the other.
This feels easier. It's so much easier to comfort someone else than to take care of the hurt in his own heart. ]
You're fine, Tidus.. you're doing great. There's no need for do-overs when nothing's ruined in the first place.
[ Inigo leans in a little closer. Keeping his hands on Tidus's cheeks, but now pressing his lips against the other guy's, closing his eyes. ]
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It's dumb. Dumb protests like he needs to reassure Inigo in a way that doesn't get him reassuring him and; and fortunately, it's that nagging in him that he knows to not let break the surface, not leave the bottom of his throat. To accept the lips that come to his, cheeks warm under the press of the palms against them - warmer for them there. Affectionate, kind.
Unsettling his stomach, to have anything like this, even if it's just in friendship. He brings his hands to the back of Inigo's head to keep him into a kiss, lips playing with the ones with his, trying to leave with his friend his gratitude. This might be a night for him, but he wants nothing but to give, give, give. Make up, at least some, for stumbling in this occasion Inigo put together for the pair of them. Pressing the pads of his fingers along hairlines, his forearms becoming comfortable over the tops of the shoulders they have to rest against.
He'll give Inigo his mouth if he wants it, to take their kiss deeper. But then, there's a few things he'd be willing to give Inigo - even if it didn't go along with the idea that led them here tonight. ]
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He wants his mind to be empty, to not think of anything. To forget about all this misery, and to just lose himself in the moment.
It's why he parts his lips, coaxing Tidus to do the same - and to move in the moment the other allows him access, seeming weirdly frenzied about it. His hands move from Tidus's cheeks, briefly stroking through his hair before landing on his shoulders, pushing against Tidus's shirt as if it has to go.
Inigo almost forgets to breathe in the middle of all of it. ]
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Tidus takes back his hands in acknowledgement, removing his jacket and throwing it to the floor. He then grabs at Inigo's waist free of fabric, digging in fingers and dragging them, a touch that's trying to eat at him, his skin. But if Inigo signals at his shirt, grabs at the material to pull it off, then Tidus will drop his hold and raise his arms to get it off, by his efforts or Inigo's.
That too can go anywhere - on the bed, to the floor - as long as Tidus gets to take a moment on Inigo in turn: eyes admiring the body before him, the clothing framing it; with fingers riding up his belly, trying to sneak into the short black top. His forefinger doesn't manage to get in, but it doesn't stop the others from snaking to the chest hidden underneath. Tidus looks up, to search Inigo's face; to see what expressions he might be making, to decide what kind he'd like to have them make.
Or to catch Inigo's lips with his instead - whether he has to go to them, or because they're coming back for his. ]
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More. He wants more of it. He just wants to be touched by Tidus and forget about anything else. Inigo's face grows red, his mouth hanging open slightly, his eyes already half-lidded. It doesn't seem to be on purpose like earlier though. There's nothing about this he thought through beforehand.
It's all just the desperation of the moment. The same desperation that brings him back to Tidus's lips, kissing him deeply once more. Inigo's hands move over Tidus's body - down his shoulders, across his pecs, down to his abs. There's even a rush in those movements. Something still desperate, or perhaps greedy.
The kiss is only interrupted when Inigo pulls his face off Tidus's briefly, only to speak. To stare into the other's eyes, to see what he'll find there. ]
I.. I wanted.. to ride you today.
[ That had been the whole plan, even if he can't be super confident and charming about it anymore now. Even if he just wants to do it now because it'll keep him busy the whole time, unable to think. ]
Can we still do that..?
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Yet, it doesn't get to last long when Inigo brings their kiss apart, lips damp and swollen, a half-lidded gaze that takes a second to adjust to reality. Tidus looks at Inigo at first, still lost in their kiss. But his expression then shifts as Inigo speaks, a blinking that turns shy, his mouth pulling into something embarrassed.
Why should it? When this is far from the first time they've had sex, fooled around. But the way Inigo says it - he feels clumsy about how to speak. When this isn't at all how Inigo was speaking before. How would he be asking it, if Tidus hadn't ruined it? But Tidus can't think of how to make up for it when Inigo's there, waiting for him to answer. ]
I... sure. [ Everything about him is on hold, not moving. ] Do you want me to take off my pants?
[ Nevermind that would have him completely naked, and so quickly, so soon. But if that's what Inigo wants, then he will. He'll get in place, do this right, not mess the mood up any further. ]
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Did he ask for too much? Does Tidus not want to do that either? He's agreeing, so he must not hate the idea, but.. then what was that look for just now? Inigo is trying really hard to not be overwhelming here!
It feels as if he can't do anything right. Part of him just wants to run out of the room, but if anything could make things worse at this point, it's that. So he doesn't. He forces himself to stay right here where he is, on Tidus's lap, and forces a slight smile on his face. ]
If you want to..
[ His voice trails off for a moment though, in that way that means he's inevitably got more to say. His hands trail back up to Tidus's shoulders, and he shakes his head. ]
Like I said.. I just.. wanted things to be nice for you tonight. So if you don't want to, or you'd prefer something else.. You can tell me, you know? [ Come on, Inigo. Be better about this, he tells himself, and forces his smile to grow just a little bit bigger, even with his cheeks still pink. ] You don't have to go along with anything for my sake.
[ Is that what that look Tidus was giving him just now was all about? It kind of feels like it to Inigo. ]
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[ But continuing, explaining - that's more difficult, stopping in his throat before it can come out. His shoulders slouching under Inigo's palms, his face tipping, gaze lowering; before they slowly lift back up, Tidus giving up his hesitations and admitting: ]
I'm just...sad that I ruined the mood you had going. Your whole plan. [ He's still being dumb, basically. A dummy who can't get over himself, but he doesn't want to completely ruin this either. He leans forward into the small space between their lips to kiss Inigo, holding onto it before breaking away. ]
My favourite dancer going through this effort for me, offering to put on a private show? [ He looks up into Inigo's eyes - a little awkward for the act he's slipping into, but maybe it'll work? --and he even manages to lift the corners of his mouth into a tiny smile. ]
You could be with anyone, and here I am, asking if I should just throw my pants off.
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I want to be here with you. I only want to do this with you. Tidus, I--
But he stops himself. He knows it's deceptively easy for sure. It seems easy now, but he's going to regret it the moment the words leave his mouth - the moment Tidus turns him down or call him a huge weirdo for even feeling this way in the first place.
It leaves him just staring at the other, looking a bit like a goldfish with the way his mouth hangs slightly open. Inigo nervously licks his lips, and something about the look in his eyes fades a little, the constant smile in them finally giving way to something a bit more unsure.
He hates this. Hates his insecurities, hates that the mixed up feelings in his stomach always return to this, even at the most useless of times, like right this very instance. He hates that he couldn't just stick with it. ]
I wasn't.. roleplaying. [ At least he can admit to that part, though it already feels like it toes dangerously close to other things. But he tries to say it like he's just clarifying.
Especially when it feels like what Tidus is saying is instead close to heading into that direction. ]
It's just-- [ His gaze drops too. ] You said you liked it when I was confident. So I wanted to be like that for you.
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But there's a few things tumbling around in his brain now. ] Oh. [ Like processing what's been said, what they should do, how Tidus's efforts are mucking this up more. A sheepish side glance as he admits. ] I was, uh, just roleplaying there... I thought it'd help?
[ Not that Inigo isn't his favourite dancer, but-! That's not the point here, he just wants to be clear. Or maybe it was already clear, and that's why Inigo stopped him. That acting around doesn't help either of them. Which leaves him stumped as to how to follow on, but give him a moment, and- ]
Let's not say anything out of character. Our character. [ There, how about that? ] I mean, when I say I like you confident, I like you going for what you want! Saying, doing... even just putting on this outfit is a lot for you. It doesn't need anything more.
[ That, does that make sense? Tidus holds his arms around Inigo's waist. Just being them - that's what's good. ]
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Maybe a little bit too much sense. Sure, Inigo agrees that he likes it just fine when both of them are just himself - he totally fall for Tidus for who he is, after all. Even though they bicker like a bunch of toddlers every other hour. Even though they whine, and complain, and bicker and make up.. He likes Tidus. He likes all of him.
It's why that other part still kind of hurts. Even though he knows it's just because Tidus doesn't know. That's exactly why the other can say that what Inigo said isn't in character for him - because he doesn't know that those words were exactly what he does feel.
He does't avoid Tidus's gaze, if the other glances over at him. But Inigo doesn't immediately reply. He just stays there, right on Tidus's lap, taking in a slight breath, breathing it out again. ]
I..
[ He feels weirdly small. Terrified. The anxiety that has settled in his stomach is starting to form knots, totally forgetting any of it. The clothes. The makeup. ]
I meant that part though. About you being handsome. [ Can he say that? It's not like he's admitting to the full truth when he says that, right? It's not like he's saying he likes Tidus, it's just.. Just that he's admitting to an objective fact.
(Then why does he still feel so nervous anyway?) ]
Is it.. so bad to hear that..?
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I... [ But is it that? Tidus struggles to speak, when he remembers everything before between them with embraces. Him with never thinking about hugging other guys - or anyone - for comfort, and now this. For the exact same reasons, really. Because who else would you hold for affection than a girlfriend, a partner? Who else would you call handsome like this than someone you're interested in. ]
N...no... [ It's why he stumbles into the reply he does, his brow knotted, expression difficult with the place he's in, trying to make sense. It could be like that- their different tolerances, what makes sense and what's unusual. ] I guess I...didn't expect to hear it. It just sounded like... more. You know-
[ He messes the side of his hair, pushing back strands just to fiddle around, have something to do. Mumbling, struggling through his words. A dread in his stomach he doesn't want to acknowledge.
He raises his gaze, a breathy chuckle let out. ]
And you know, the first time we met - I thought you were gonna cry. [ Aha- ] I don't even remember what I said.
[ Only Inigo telling him to stop that, batting his hand in the air. The last thing on Inigo's mind surely being about how handsome or not he was. ]
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Because right now - it all feels like the latter in his mind. He stares at Tidus while the other talks, and everything seems to point at the same thing. It just sounded like more, Tidus says, and it doesn't sound like he's exactly excited about the idea.
I hope you feel up to talking to him sooner and not later, Jingyi had told him. Inigo mentally apologizes to the other. He can't. He can't say it, even if it makes him a coward. Everything points towards Tidus just being totally weirded out by the idea of it, let alone it actually happening.
His heart is breaking, but Inigo shakes his head, forces himself to smile as wide as possible all over again. It's a miracle that he's not breaking out into tears at the same time. ]
Sorry, sorry!
[ It's a bit of a mood shift compared to his tone a moment ago, but what else is he supposed to do? Get upset and be unable to tell Tidus why? Ruin their whole night together, just because he's an idiot who caught feelings? He can't, so he'll just smile like a fool, no matter how much it hurts. ]
I guess I got.. way too carried away.
[ He laughs, and a hand reaches up, feeling for the tiara in his hair before grabbing a hold of it and pulling it out of his hair, off his head.
(Stupid, what was he thinking, that Tidus would see him like this and suddenly end up attracted to him after all?)
Both of his hands leave Tidus, even though he's still sitting on the other's lap, to instead fiddle with the tiara as he holds it in both of his hands. ]
You're right, I-- [ --didn't mean it that way. ] Of course it wasn't like that! I was just whining about other stuff that first time, and..
[ He sucks in a breath. Come on, Inigo. You can do this. ]
I'm just being silly. I promise that next time I do a surprise, it'll be less weird. So don't worry about it too much right now, yeah? It's fine. Let's just keep going.
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But he can't. Not when it's the only thing in the room now. Not when the clothes Inigo wears and the clothes Tidus doesn't, the sex, the foreplay - when none of them no longer matter. It's like a weighted silence still with a message, but Tidus can't interpret it. He can't. He can't.
He wishes he couldn't. ]
You're not weird. [ His own hands had moved, loosened in their hold where they met around Inigo's waist. But now they withdraw, uncertain for a second when to go before they raise to Inigo's arms, holding on firmly. ] You're not weird, [ he repeats, knowing that's what Inigo is really saying. His gaze lifting from the tiara, a struggle (as a voice tells him not to, no, you can't-), but coming to his face. ]
You're my best friend, and... you know I don't think you're weird. I care about you a lot, and I always will. I want you to be happy, and confident - and you'll always be an important part of this life I got. You're one of the best people I know.
[ It's rambling, if slower than his usual kinds. Avoiding saying what he doesn't want to say, while knowing he can't run away from this. That neither of them can, but that he can't be the only one to talk.
As scared as he is, as much as it threatens to break his heart. ]
Inigo.
[ He speaks his name as a plea, a request. For the truth. To tell him if he's really wrong, or what. ]
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Inigo wants to beg for this to stop. For this moment in time to somehow be erased. This is just about everything he doesn't want, everything he never wanted. He'd pay anything he got just for Tidus to ignore all this and keep going again.
Please. Just not this. Anything but this.
Because every word Tidus is saying just feels like it makes it worse. Even though Inigo knows that Tidus means to be reassuring by repeating he's not weird like that, it's like a hammer slamming him into the ground with each iteration. And then all those other things he's saying--
It's obvious. He's just trying to comfort Inigo ahead of the inevitable, trying to make its impact less difficult to bear, but Inigo knows it's not going to be.
This is unfair. Why is Tidus forcing him to say it all the same, when it sounds like the other already knows? When - even worse - it already sounds like the other knows the outcome too?
Inigo feels sick, and he retreats. Moving off Tidus's lap, away from those arms, standing back up. His heart beats so quickly that it feels unhealthy, like it's about to make him throw up. ]
What do you want me to say if you already know? [ He doesn't look at Tidus as he says it, his gaze trained onto his own feet as if it's glued there. ]
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I'm sorry, he wants to speak, but doesn't. He knows that won't make this better. He knows he's gone too far, crossing the border they weren't meant to.
I'm sorry, but I can't.
He wants to take all the blame, but he knows that he won't be carrying this alone. ]
...I'll take another room for tonight. [ It takes a while for him to speak, but he draws up his legs, looking for his shirt, the hoodie he dropped off. Picking up one before grabbing the other. ] Just to give us some room. I know... I know this isn't easy.
[ And what are either of them supposed to do - or say - now? ]
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Instead it's just a 'no' to-- ]
You.. take the room. For tonight.
[ It feels hard to even speak. Inigo can feel himself trembling like a leaf, even though he keeps his voice steady.
And even though he can already feel the tears forming in his eyes, his face smiles before he even realises it. Because his body just doesn't have any other reaction to this, other than to fall back into what's natural to do now. What it has practiced, over and over.
The tiara drops from his fingers, clattering against the ground. ]
It's.. my fault. So it's okay. You can have space. [ Where is Inigo going to go while looking like this? He has no idea. But it doesn't feel fair to send Tidus out for tonight when this is natural. When Inigo has known for months and months that this would inevitably happen, and that it'd be all his own fault.
He's already stepping over to the door without stopping, his steps speeding up until he's out of the door. He'll just go wherever. He'll find some spot to curl up. ]