No. Of course not. As far as he was aware, Tidus wasn't even anywhere near him only a moment ago. For all he knows, it could just be that he's grown so desperate that he's imagining Tidus now, just hallucinating that the other is here with him, since otherwise Inigo's mind might just snap like a twig on the spot.
But despite the total lack of understanding, Inigo just goes along with it. He feels a pair of hands on him, and he uprights his body just a little bit, just enough to practically collapse against the other. His arms clumsily wrapping around the frame he finds there, head dropping forward so his face is clumsily shoved up against Tidus's pectoral muscle.
He's a mess. And he should care. He will most likely care later, when he looks back on this moment and feels kind of pathetic for it.
But right now all Inigo wants is just some comfort. Just something familiar and warm in the middle of all this built up misery. So he clings to Tidus tightly, like the other is a firefighter here to save him in the middle of a burning building.
Inigo's shoulders shake, like he's about to heave, but thankfully he doesn't make this even more awkward by throwing up, even though the other seems very capable of doing so right about now.
Instead he manages to squeeze out one word, just a name. The desperation is audible in it.
With Inigo leaning against him, Tidus finds a better frame to wrap his arms around than to laze across the back. His own dipping forward, the side of his cheek resting in a bed of hair, anything to give Inigo the presence he's seeking.
"I'm here," he repeats, no less firm, no less reassuring. Eyes flitting at the view they have at the rest of the world, just to make sure there's nothing else to be concerned for. The last thing he wants is to let danger sneak up on them because he wasn't thinking.
But there's nothing, so he moves up a hand to the back of Inigo's neck, shrouded by hair.
"We'll go back to camp as soon as you're ready. You can stop for a while - it's okay to stop, I promise. I promise."
He repeats it, needing to, voice firming at it, at the promise spelt out. Because he knows how difficult it is for Inigo - how there was never any choice before this. He couldn't stop, there was no stopping.
It's a good thing that Tidus is keeping stock of the world around them, because Inigo certainly isn't. For how hard he's been working these past days, it's like all of that is momentarily gone from his head. He can't think of anything anymore, other than the sheer panic being in that distortion induces in him. The PTSD it all brings back to him, hitting him like a truck.
And now Tidus is here, somehow, miraculously, it's like Inigo's entire world has shrunk to just him. All he can think about is Tidus, and the way the other's body is against him as a reminder of the fact that he's there.
"I-- I don't.." Inigo stammers, unable to form a full sentence just yet. He holds onto the other even more tightly in his desperation, fingers digging into Tidus's outfit.
It's amazing how the other manages to hit the problem right on the head. It's absolutely what's bothering Inigo here. The way this situation seems so much like what he's gone through back home, and the instinctive feelings that inspires in him.
"I can't stop," he says between half-choking breaths.
Because Tidus is right. Inigo could stop now. There's so many other people to pick up the slack.
But he never could back home - and that makes him feel like he can't do it here either.
The fingers don't - won't - make Tidus flinch. He won't complain, make any mention of them, but cradle the hold he has onto Inigo as he hears him and his vulnerability.
"You can," Tidus tells him, no room allowed for argument, said just as Inigo speaks himself. He doesn't think he can, he knows that hasn't been true for years, years, but it's not true anymore. Tidus won't allow it to be - he won't let Inigo push onward into his living nightmare.
"Right here, right now - we're stopping. And I'm stopping with you. And nothing bad's going to happen - nothing, Inigo," he stresses. If there's any time he can let Inigo give in, this might be it. To give him no room to do anything but to concede and give in.
"Just stay with me like this. It's gonna be okay..."
It feels like those words should be fake, considering what he just saw. That landscape that's right there if you take one step in the wrong direction, the endless horde of people that just won't stop fighting you, no matter what you do. Inigo knows what that place is like, and he knows there's no way of stopping and being okay when it comes to that.
But on the other hand.. it's Tidus telling him this. Tidus wouldn't lie to him about that, would he? Maybe he'd try to make the situation look a little better, since the other is good at finding the positive points in situations, finding possible solutions.. but surely he wouldn't deny the entire situation is even a thing that's happening in the first place.
So Inigo sucks in breaths as well as he can, trying to get a hold on himself once more, no matter how hard it is. It is true that he's been sitting here with Tidus for a while now - though he has no idea how long, it's like time is passing impossibly fast and agonizingly slow all at the same time - and they haven't gotten attacked yet.
An impossibility.
He just keeps breathing. In, out. In, out...
And while he's still holding on to Tidus, he's slowly realising something.
"How.. are you here..?" After all, Tidus hasn't faded away yet. He hasn't proven to be some figment of Inigo's imagination, since he feels so real. The fabric underneath Inigo's fingers, the warmth of the body against him. "I-- I didn't see you near."
Tidus doesn't move. He doesn't want to, doesn't think he needs to (beyond a discomfort a knee tells him, but that can put up). They've been here plenty times before, needing to comfort one another. A guy who doesn't know how to quit, a guy who doesn't know how to believe in his own future. A fraction of them, but Inigo's state right now is everything that Tidus's known about him from the beginning.
The person who can't quit, who can't stop. Who never had the choice, and the one he's been trying to show him he can.
Neither of them need to go or do anything. And it's good even, to know they don't have to. ...but, not once did Tidus consider himself the question Inigo poses.
"I... I don't know," he admits. For a moment there, he'd forgotten he'd been anywhere else. But that isn't true, is it? "I heard you. I was out in a distortion, and then -- you were in my head. Next thing I knew-"
I was here. He leaves it unsaid, the rest obvious all things considered, and he'll leave out what else he felt from Inigo. That's not the important part.
Really, the 'how' isn't bothering him now. Who cares?
"I'm glad I'm here," he affirms, stubbornly so. Just so it can't be thought otherwise, so Inigo doesn't get any thoughts either about him playing some role in it.
Maybe that last part is what's important here. Because Inigo doesn't know what to make of the rest either. How was Tidus suddenly able to hear him - especially in his head, of all things, when Inigo hadn't said a single thing out loud while kneeling here? And how did he suddenly end up here after that?
None of it makes sense, but it doesn't have to. Isn't Tidus being here the important part? The other says he's glad that he's here, circumstances aside, and..
Well, it's obvious just how much relief there is for Inigo in seeing Tidus right now. Even though he feels a little pathetic for breaking down in front of the other like this, maybe it's still better than breaking down all alone.
Inigo quietly takes in all the words. Quietly thinks about them.
But then, even while he's still crying, he moves. He releases his hold on Tidus, his hands moving up until they land on both sides of the other's head, palms finding cheeks, and then Inigo pulls his face closer, pressing his lips against Tidus's own.
It's a desperate kiss. Obviously so. Inigo kisses him like a man drinking water after being lost in the desert for two weeks.
Tidus is his water right now, anyway. If Tidus wasn't here, Inigo would still be stuck in this desert of anxiety and self-loathing, all by himself. Just because he didn't want to show anyone.
Inigo doesn't care that they're out in the open. He needs this right now. If someone stumbles out of this distortion, they'll probably have more stuff to focus on than just two guys kissing, anyway. That's why he doesn't just pull away, instead lingering in the emotional kiss, the tears still streaming down his face.
Even with the hands on his, Tidus doesn't expect the touch of lips on his. Yet, it doesn't surprise him either; it just is, a force that drags him in, clinging on, seeking refuge in this exchange that Tidus tries to at least match with the hand that wraps around the back of Inigo's head to keep him close.
It's Erda all over again, but he's not the one who needs a lifeline to grasp onto. But maybe it's the reason he knows how to answer it, to give Inigo what he needs than to pull away; because they've been here plenty of times before, with Tidus licking and tugging at Inigo's lips, opening his mouth a little wider to let out his own tongue, ready to meet Inigo's sliding against his own.
More than tears leave his face damp, the saliva from their mouths, but Tidus doesn't care or concern himself with it. Going in for one last and lingering press of their lips like an ending piece, though even as he pulls away, he continues to leave tiny small kisses just to further cement it. A comfort, one last certainty, all to be sure - that Inigo's had his fill, that he's gotten what he's wanted.
Slowly, Tidus strokes the back of Inigo's head with a thumb.
Maybe this is some sort of hallucination after all, Inigo thinks. The most powerful form of wishful thinking. Him wishing that Tidus was here with him so bad that he's conjured up a version of Tidus that's immediately there, immediately doing absolutely everything to comfort him - including this. The deep desperate kiss, and then the soft kisses pressed against his lips, a way to tell him that he's okay for now.
It feels unreal. But even as they pull away, Inigo doesn't feel like he's waking up, or snapping out of some dream. When he opens his eyes, Tidus is still right there with him, and they're still right where Inigo as a moment ago. Still in that wasteland, right outside of the distortion that awoke every single traumatic memory within him.
At first he doesn't speak. He doesn't even move. He just passively accepts the kisses pressed against his mouth by the other, his brain slowly trying to process everything.
Slowly trying to calm down.
"Can we.." He finally starts. His voice sounds a little raw, like he has either used it too much or not enough. "Can we go.. somewhere else?"
Since apparently the fact that he doesn't have to keep going seems to have gotten through to him enough to not immediately want to dive back into that hellscape of a distortion.
And if he doesn't have to, if it's really okay for him to take a break, then.. then he'd rather do it anywhere else but right next to the distortion. Even if it's not visible, it still feels like it threatens to swallow him whole any moment now.
His face is a little flushed, from the heat of the domain's sun, from the kisses and emotions that linger on his skin, the wet speckles around his lips. Tidus rolls in his lips, is heart jittery for a lot of reasons. Nerves, mostly, and he can blame them on Inigo.
There's nothing more that he wants in this moment than for Inigo to know he's okay.
But he does seem to be listening, by the request that struggles to come out from his mouth. Tidus hums first, follows it with a, "We can," soft in its reassurance; before he brain actually properly thinks of where, but.
"We can go back to the train for a while - grab some supplies? Get a shower? Ask what the camps need and take them back out. We don't have to rush - just some hours away from here. We can cook some of those meals I forgot to make. They'll be good for later."
Activities to keep them busy, but away from here. His hands still resting on Inigo, though his face pulling back to give them both room.
He doesn't seem convinced of the word yet, especially since his face drops a moment later, staring at the hard ground underneath them. He stares like that for a moment or two, and then slowly nods again.
"Okay," he repeats.
It's like he's trying to convince himself that this is reality. That this is something he can just do. Leave and go back to the train, even if it's just for a little bit. Trying to convince himself that the mission won't suddenly fall apart, just because he isn't paying attention for a few moments.
He doesn't know if he'll feel that much better when he comes back, but it's better than trying to step into that distortion again and falling apart, and still better than going back to camp and showing everyone what kind of mess he is.
"You'll.. stay with me?" It's a dumb thing to ask, especially since Tidus was already implying as much. But Inigo can't help it. He's so vulnerable right now, and if he can cling onto even just one thing in this moment, then he wants it to be Tidus's presence right there with him. Something to keep him at least remotely stable.
There's just the smallest of huffs, something fond, when Inigo needs that reassurance. A smile that spreads across his lips, and Tidus raises his wrist with his SCA into view, bringing both hands into view as the other comes beside it.
"I'll even go the same second as you." It's light, more fun than this moment is, but the exact kind of ease that Tidus wants to present. That it's fine, that there's no uncertainty, no last second thing to be checked or to be put aside to sink Inigo into further guilt he'll be feeling.
Because he will be, anyway. But this is the time to prove that it's alright, okay - to not be what these missions force them to be, guilts them into being: selfless heroes.
It's fine to be selfish. It's fine to take care of yourself.
It's the exact sort of reassurance he needs. Just knowing that Tidus will at least be with him through all of it. Because if he wasn't, if it was just Inigo by himself.. Well, then surely he would have thrown himself right back into that distortion, no matter how much he'd hate it. No matter the fact that it would basically wear him all the way down.
He slowly moves his other hand over towards his SCA, in the direction of the evacuation button.
".. Let's do it then."
His voice is still weak, but at least he is committed to actually doing this - which is already a lot, by Inigo standards. It's a commitment that is entirely built up out of Tidus's reassurance, out of Tidus's presence here with him.
"Are you ready..?" After all, if Tidus is serious about that 'the same second deal', then they've got to do at least this little bit of coordination here before they press the buttons.
"Count to three," is Tidus's answer, already on the ball with coordination, and hearing it in Inigo's voice, too. This bro-communication of theirs is getting good, and he's happy to take the lead in this count.
"One - two - three!"
It's a countdown (or count-up) that Tidus delays just to see if Inigo's fingers move - but as long as he does, then he'll tap at his too, get himself sent off in a blink of darkness that's taken over by the sight of the luggage carriage.
Or, one sight of the luggage carriage, and then another as the shift makes him lose his crouched balance and end up on his butt, eyes swinging around as he confirms that yes, this is the luggage carriage.
Don't worry, bro. The bro-communication is working out here. Sure, Inigo might still be a little off his game, considering how weak this outpour of emotion after holding it in for days - god room break aside, anyway - has left him. But his desire to arrive at the train at the exact same moment as Tidus is too strong, just because it means that they wouldn't have let each other alone among all this, not even a single moment.
So his fingers move to press the button exactly at the three.
It's always such a wild swing to be transported back to the train though, and even though Inigo realises he is in fact in the usual luggage carriage, his brain still needs a moment to catch up, his head still spinning.
And yet there's already a hand blindly reaching out. It seems that Inigo ended up on the floor too, since he's able to grasp Tidus's wrist from there, feeling relief at the familiar sensation of skin underneath his fingers.
"T-- Tidus.."
They made it. Sure, maybe that's not really the most appropriate thought for the situation, since it's not like they were escaping a hectic situation this way.. for once. But with the mental distress that still hasn't fully left Inigo, it still feels like a relief to just know that the two of them made it here safely.
There's relief, and the quiet of the space - the lack of a heat bearing down from above - is bizarre after everything. It's normal; it's what their normal has become, these four walls with shelving and suitcases piled up and all over the place.
A kind of chance to escape they don't get to have, without the regret of leaving everyone else entirely. Tidus takes a hold of it, accepts it, his smile tight as he twists his hand to slip it into the one holding his wrist. Squeezing it, a reassurance.
"We're back," he says simply. Easily. He scoots onto his feet, and starts to rise without disconnecting their hold - instead, using it as an offer to help pick up Inigo (now, and always).
Their connected hands do mean that Inigo stands up virtually at the same time as Tidus. He knows the other wouldn't let go of his hand, but it's like Inigo is trying to prevent even the slightest chance of that happening all the same.
He might not be crying anymore, but his feelings still circle inside of his chest like a cyclone. He knows he still feels so vulnerable, so volatile, and he just needs to hold his bro's hand to feel like he's still got a little bit of stability in the middle of all of this. So he squeezes the hand when they're standing, making sure to hold onto it, even now it's no longer necessary to pull Inigo up.
"We can go together, right?"
Because a bro will be damned if he separates from his bro now, even if it's just because of a shower session..!!
Tidus won't take his hand back if Inigo wants it. He's gotten used to his appendages being comforts for others to hold onto (those others being very specifically Inigo and Taiki).
Hands? Who needs their own hands except to give to others?
"'Course." Nudity in the showers with a bro? They've done enough in them where the idea doesn't faze him. He even tugs Inigo hand, to make him follow his lead to the way out. "Hanging out under a shower after all that dry heat? Please! We can stay there overnight if you want."
Tidus can talk and babble and be as goofy as Inigo needs him to be right now, without needing to offer anything back. If there's anything Tidus is good at, it's rambling.
If only! Please, if there's anything they could use during these missions, it's showers. Apparently they will always lack something, even when they are being adequately provided for during this mission with all the food and equipment coming from the Ministry. Perhaps they should tell them that they need some showers too, next time those guys decide to dump them out into some near-desert.
But while that statement still lacks a bit of the usual Inigo, it's still closer to that than anything Tidus would have seen from the guy during the past few days. Here Inigo isn't being all serious, after all. It's more just that he's sounding weak, left unsure of his footing after that nervous breakdown.
But he's trying. He is following Tidus, holding onto the other's hand.
He's talking, and breathing. Those are already two useful things.
"Maybe the people of the Ministry are some weird guys who never get stinky, so they don't realise."
"Or they're keeping all the cool gadgets to themselves!" There's enough there for Tidus to grab and latch onto, more than just the hands held. A joke that's easy to keep going - which is good. They have a few carriages to go through, 'til they get anywhere close to any showers.
(They could use a transgate, but Tidus thinks the walk will do them good. Will do Inigo good, most of all.)
"How come after all this time, we still haven't gotten anything cool or handy? Trunks's got those bean-shaped capsules that poof out stuff - he should be giving us capsules with a shower and bathroom inside." Hah! "Could you imagine the queue? A porta-toilet and shower at the camps - you'd never get to use it!"
It does feel good. Just walking here on the train. Perhaps not with the usual weirdly distant sound of the void, since the train is just parked out here on this world, but it does leave a blessed quiet after all the noise of both the distortions and the camp.
Sure, Tidus's voice is instead filling up the quiet, but Inigo doesn't mind that so much. It's comfortable, familiar. If it wasn't for the fact that they're walking, he'd be tempted to just close his eyes for a few moments and listen to it. But the last thing he wants to do is accidentally walk into something like an idiot and have Tidus fuss over him even more.
So instead he just enjoys the babbling with his eyes open, this time actually squeezing Tidus's hand, unlike the time the other had found him earlier during the mission. A bit more Inigo-ness returning to him with every single passing moment.
"It'd be a worse line than there always is whenever we return from missions." Because then they'd all have to share one bathroom.
A total nightmare.
"Feels kind of nice to instead go to the shower here together." Because they don't have to worry about running into anyone, considering just how many of the train population was actually out there fighting and participating in the mission. Inigo doesn't have to feel as worried then, considering his sole company here is Tidus - and what hasn't the other guy seen from him already at this point?
When Inigo squeezes, Tidus swings their hands a little in response. A positive than a negative, something in-between as they talk; about nothing serious, far removed from everything severe and emotional just minutes ago.
"Wanna tell the train to park on-planet more often?" It does a few times, doesn't it? Though when Tidus thinks back, he can't remember too many times during missions. Irivar? Wait, yeah, Irivar-- "That's a good idea. We have the transgates now! We can move to and back way easier than before. We should let it know - then we can sneak off like this a whole lot more."
Said, with a sly tone, behaviour not suited to the serious Voidtreckers. But they deserve it - and having actual toilets around would be nice.
Maybe it's not exactly the right response to give when Inigo knows the other is just trying to be all light and playful about this - but the guilt of having basically ran away, even if it's just for a little bit, just weighs too heavy on Inigo's stomach for him to say anything else. For him to even entertain the idea of doing this more often.
If he's not out there saving people during missions, or trying to figure a way for people to return to their own worlds and to save the people they lost out there to the void - then what good is he? There's no way he can just think of doing fun things during moments where he's supposed to be working.
No matter how much he'd rather just be spending time with Tidus like this.
It's why those words don't sound scolding in any way. Instead they sound kind of.. sad, really. If not just in the wake of the emotions that completely overtook Inigo upon seeing just way too much of that distortion with the living corpses.
He wants to protest instantly that it isn't what he meant - not that they were abandoning them, or giving them up. But there's a weight to the way Inigo points it out that makes Tidus hold onto it, feel a pang of shame for not being more careful.
They should have one more carriage to reach the closest shower, and at least they'll have towels and their washing gear in their arms bands. A silence lingering, until Tidus feels comfortable to say, more thoughtfully:
"If we could let people come back to the train and rest, as we keep a watch over the transgates - I'd stick back to give people a break. Even if it's just to sleep in their beds for a night."
A chance to return, to take the breather; to care for themselves if things are tough. And his steps slow to a pause, Tidus turning to look at Inigo, their hands still held.
"It's okay to take a step back. Even just once in a while - we're not alone."
When Tidus looks back at Inigo like that, he can notice that the look on Inigo's face is looking awkward, yet apologetic.
It becomes even more obvious when he slowly replies with a: ".. Sorry."
It's not that he didn't know what the other was saying. And people deserve breaks. They deserve not being forced to have to do any of this - the train can say it's voluntary all it likes, but people on the train are just way too nice to stay behind and do nothing - but on the other hand, Inigo is bad at granting himself that kind of generosity.
He can't stop. Especially when he was focusing on the mission as a way to cope with how miserable he's been feeling about a whole lot of things for such a long time now. It's hard to tell himself to stop, since that means facing everything he was trying to repress.
But how does he put that in words? How could he drag down everything that much when Tidus is trying so dang hard to take care of him?
"I know, but I.. I can't. I can't go out there either," not in the state he's in right now, anyway, his hands feel like they would start shaking the moment he'd be confronted with those distortions again, "but I still feel bad."
Not admitting that would be the same thing as just outright lying in this moment.
".. it kind of feels like the train broke something about me, and I don't know how to fix it," he admits. It's so soft, nearly a whisper, despite the fact that there's no one else around to hide it from in the first place.
Maybe it's just that it's so hard to actually say it.
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blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
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No. Of course not. As far as he was aware, Tidus wasn't even anywhere near him only a moment ago. For all he knows, it could just be that he's grown so desperate that he's imagining Tidus now, just hallucinating that the other is here with him, since otherwise Inigo's mind might just snap like a twig on the spot.
But despite the total lack of understanding, Inigo just goes along with it. He feels a pair of hands on him, and he uprights his body just a little bit, just enough to practically collapse against the other. His arms clumsily wrapping around the frame he finds there, head dropping forward so his face is clumsily shoved up against Tidus's pectoral muscle.
He's a mess. And he should care. He will most likely care later, when he looks back on this moment and feels kind of pathetic for it.
But right now all Inigo wants is just some comfort. Just something familiar and warm in the middle of all this built up misery. So he clings to Tidus tightly, like the other is a firefighter here to save him in the middle of a burning building.
Inigo's shoulders shake, like he's about to heave, but thankfully he doesn't make this even more awkward by throwing up, even though the other seems very capable of doing so right about now.
Instead he manages to squeeze out one word, just a name. The desperation is audible in it.
"Tidus..."
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"I'm here," he repeats, no less firm, no less reassuring. Eyes flitting at the view they have at the rest of the world, just to make sure there's nothing else to be concerned for. The last thing he wants is to let danger sneak up on them because he wasn't thinking.
But there's nothing, so he moves up a hand to the back of Inigo's neck, shrouded by hair.
"We'll go back to camp as soon as you're ready. You can stop for a while - it's okay to stop, I promise. I promise."
He repeats it, needing to, voice firming at it, at the promise spelt out. Because he knows how difficult it is for Inigo - how there was never any choice before this. He couldn't stop, there was no stopping.
There was never any time for it.
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And now Tidus is here, somehow, miraculously, it's like Inigo's entire world has shrunk to just him. All he can think about is Tidus, and the way the other's body is against him as a reminder of the fact that he's there.
"I-- I don't.." Inigo stammers, unable to form a full sentence just yet. He holds onto the other even more tightly in his desperation, fingers digging into Tidus's outfit.
It's amazing how the other manages to hit the problem right on the head. It's absolutely what's bothering Inigo here. The way this situation seems so much like what he's gone through back home, and the instinctive feelings that inspires in him.
"I can't stop," he says between half-choking breaths.
Because Tidus is right. Inigo could stop now. There's so many other people to pick up the slack.
But he never could back home - and that makes him feel like he can't do it here either.
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"You can," Tidus tells him, no room allowed for argument, said just as Inigo speaks himself. He doesn't think he can, he knows that hasn't been true for years, years, but it's not true anymore. Tidus won't allow it to be - he won't let Inigo push onward into his living nightmare.
"Right here, right now - we're stopping. And I'm stopping with you. And nothing bad's going to happen - nothing, Inigo," he stresses. If there's any time he can let Inigo give in, this might be it. To give him no room to do anything but to concede and give in.
"Just stay with me like this. It's gonna be okay..."
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But on the other hand.. it's Tidus telling him this. Tidus wouldn't lie to him about that, would he? Maybe he'd try to make the situation look a little better, since the other is good at finding the positive points in situations, finding possible solutions.. but surely he wouldn't deny the entire situation is even a thing that's happening in the first place.
So Inigo sucks in breaths as well as he can, trying to get a hold on himself once more, no matter how hard it is. It is true that he's been sitting here with Tidus for a while now - though he has no idea how long, it's like time is passing impossibly fast and agonizingly slow all at the same time - and they haven't gotten attacked yet.
An impossibility.
He just keeps breathing. In, out. In, out...
And while he's still holding on to Tidus, he's slowly realising something.
"How.. are you here..?" After all, Tidus hasn't faded away yet. He hasn't proven to be some figment of Inigo's imagination, since he feels so real. The fabric underneath Inigo's fingers, the warmth of the body against him. "I-- I didn't see you near."
no subject
The person who can't quit, who can't stop. Who never had the choice, and the one he's been trying to show him he can.
Neither of them need to go or do anything. And it's good even, to know they don't have to. ...but, not once did Tidus consider himself the question Inigo poses.
"I... I don't know," he admits. For a moment there, he'd forgotten he'd been anywhere else. But that isn't true, is it? "I heard you. I was out in a distortion, and then -- you were in my head. Next thing I knew-"
I was here. He leaves it unsaid, the rest obvious all things considered, and he'll leave out what else he felt from Inigo. That's not the important part.
Really, the 'how' isn't bothering him now. Who cares?
"I'm glad I'm here," he affirms, stubbornly so. Just so it can't be thought otherwise, so Inigo doesn't get any thoughts either about him playing some role in it.
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None of it makes sense, but it doesn't have to. Isn't Tidus being here the important part? The other says he's glad that he's here, circumstances aside, and..
Well, it's obvious just how much relief there is for Inigo in seeing Tidus right now. Even though he feels a little pathetic for breaking down in front of the other like this, maybe it's still better than breaking down all alone.
Inigo quietly takes in all the words. Quietly thinks about them.
But then, even while he's still crying, he moves. He releases his hold on Tidus, his hands moving up until they land on both sides of the other's head, palms finding cheeks, and then Inigo pulls his face closer, pressing his lips against Tidus's own.
It's a desperate kiss. Obviously so. Inigo kisses him like a man drinking water after being lost in the desert for two weeks.
Tidus is his water right now, anyway. If Tidus wasn't here, Inigo would still be stuck in this desert of anxiety and self-loathing, all by himself. Just because he didn't want to show anyone.
Inigo doesn't care that they're out in the open. He needs this right now. If someone stumbles out of this distortion, they'll probably have more stuff to focus on than just two guys kissing, anyway. That's why he doesn't just pull away, instead lingering in the emotional kiss, the tears still streaming down his face.
I'm glad too.
That's what the kiss means.
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It's Erda all over again, but he's not the one who needs a lifeline to grasp onto. But maybe it's the reason he knows how to answer it, to give Inigo what he needs than to pull away; because they've been here plenty of times before, with Tidus licking and tugging at Inigo's lips, opening his mouth a little wider to let out his own tongue, ready to meet Inigo's sliding against his own.
More than tears leave his face damp, the saliva from their mouths, but Tidus doesn't care or concern himself with it. Going in for one last and lingering press of their lips like an ending piece, though even as he pulls away, he continues to leave tiny small kisses just to further cement it. A comfort, one last certainty, all to be sure - that Inigo's had his fill, that he's gotten what he's wanted.
Slowly, Tidus strokes the back of Inigo's head with a thumb.
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It feels unreal. But even as they pull away, Inigo doesn't feel like he's waking up, or snapping out of some dream. When he opens his eyes, Tidus is still right there with him, and they're still right where Inigo as a moment ago. Still in that wasteland, right outside of the distortion that awoke every single traumatic memory within him.
At first he doesn't speak. He doesn't even move. He just passively accepts the kisses pressed against his mouth by the other, his brain slowly trying to process everything.
Slowly trying to calm down.
"Can we.." He finally starts. His voice sounds a little raw, like he has either used it too much or not enough. "Can we go.. somewhere else?"
Since apparently the fact that he doesn't have to keep going seems to have gotten through to him enough to not immediately want to dive back into that hellscape of a distortion.
And if he doesn't have to, if it's really okay for him to take a break, then.. then he'd rather do it anywhere else but right next to the distortion. Even if it's not visible, it still feels like it threatens to swallow him whole any moment now.
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There's nothing more that he wants in this moment than for Inigo to know he's okay.
But he does seem to be listening, by the request that struggles to come out from his mouth. Tidus hums first, follows it with a, "We can," soft in its reassurance; before he brain actually properly thinks of where, but.
"We can go back to the train for a while - grab some supplies? Get a shower? Ask what the camps need and take them back out. We don't have to rush - just some hours away from here. We can cook some of those meals I forgot to make. They'll be good for later."
Activities to keep them busy, but away from here. His hands still resting on Inigo, though his face pulling back to give them both room.
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He doesn't seem convinced of the word yet, especially since his face drops a moment later, staring at the hard ground underneath them. He stares like that for a moment or two, and then slowly nods again.
"Okay," he repeats.
It's like he's trying to convince himself that this is reality. That this is something he can just do. Leave and go back to the train, even if it's just for a little bit. Trying to convince himself that the mission won't suddenly fall apart, just because he isn't paying attention for a few moments.
He doesn't know if he'll feel that much better when he comes back, but it's better than trying to step into that distortion again and falling apart, and still better than going back to camp and showing everyone what kind of mess he is.
"You'll.. stay with me?" It's a dumb thing to ask, especially since Tidus was already implying as much. But Inigo can't help it. He's so vulnerable right now, and if he can cling onto even just one thing in this moment, then he wants it to be Tidus's presence right there with him. Something to keep him at least remotely stable.
Inigo moves up a hand, rubbing at his eyes.
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"I'll even go the same second as you." It's light, more fun than this moment is, but the exact kind of ease that Tidus wants to present. That it's fine, that there's no uncertainty, no last second thing to be checked or to be put aside to sink Inigo into further guilt he'll be feeling.
Because he will be, anyway. But this is the time to prove that it's alright, okay - to not be what these missions force them to be, guilts them into being: selfless heroes.
It's fine to be selfish. It's fine to take care of yourself.
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He slowly moves his other hand over towards his SCA, in the direction of the evacuation button.
".. Let's do it then."
His voice is still weak, but at least he is committed to actually doing this - which is already a lot, by Inigo standards. It's a commitment that is entirely built up out of Tidus's reassurance, out of Tidus's presence here with him.
"Are you ready..?" After all, if Tidus is serious about that 'the same second deal', then they've got to do at least this little bit of coordination here before they press the buttons.
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"One - two - three!"
It's a countdown (or count-up) that Tidus delays just to see if Inigo's fingers move - but as long as he does, then he'll tap at his too, get himself sent off in a blink of darkness that's taken over by the sight of the luggage carriage.
Or, one sight of the luggage carriage, and then another as the shift makes him lose his crouched balance and end up on his butt, eyes swinging around as he confirms that yes, this is the luggage carriage.
--But bro?? A bro?
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So his fingers move to press the button exactly at the three.
It's always such a wild swing to be transported back to the train though, and even though Inigo realises he is in fact in the usual luggage carriage, his brain still needs a moment to catch up, his head still spinning.
And yet there's already a hand blindly reaching out. It seems that Inigo ended up on the floor too, since he's able to grasp Tidus's wrist from there, feeling relief at the familiar sensation of skin underneath his fingers.
"T-- Tidus.."
They made it. Sure, maybe that's not really the most appropriate thought for the situation, since it's not like they were escaping a hectic situation this way.. for once. But with the mental distress that still hasn't fully left Inigo, it still feels like a relief to just know that the two of them made it here safely.
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There's relief, and the quiet of the space - the lack of a heat bearing down from above - is bizarre after everything. It's normal; it's what their normal has become, these four walls with shelving and suitcases piled up and all over the place.
A kind of chance to escape they don't get to have, without the regret of leaving everyone else entirely. Tidus takes a hold of it, accepts it, his smile tight as he twists his hand to slip it into the one holding his wrist. Squeezing it, a reassurance.
"We're back," he says simply. Easily. He scoots onto his feet, and starts to rise without disconnecting their hold - instead, using it as an offer to help pick up Inigo (now, and always).
"Wanna shower? Shower's good after a good cry."
Speaking from experience.
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He might not be crying anymore, but his feelings still circle inside of his chest like a cyclone. He knows he still feels so vulnerable, so volatile, and he just needs to hold his bro's hand to feel like he's still got a little bit of stability in the middle of all of this. So he squeezes the hand when they're standing, making sure to hold onto it, even now it's no longer necessary to pull Inigo up.
"We can go together, right?"
Because a bro will be damned if he separates from his bro now, even if it's just because of a shower session..!!
Not afraid of a little bro nudity, right, bro.
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Hands? Who needs their own hands except to give to others?
"'Course." Nudity in the showers with a bro? They've done enough in them where the idea doesn't faze him. He even tugs Inigo hand, to make him follow his lead to the way out. "Hanging out under a shower after all that dry heat? Please! We can stay there overnight if you want."
Tidus can talk and babble and be as goofy as Inigo needs him to be right now, without needing to offer anything back. If there's anything Tidus is good at, it's rambling.
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If only! Please, if there's anything they could use during these missions, it's showers. Apparently they will always lack something, even when they are being adequately provided for during this mission with all the food and equipment coming from the Ministry. Perhaps they should tell them that they need some showers too, next time those guys decide to dump them out into some near-desert.
But while that statement still lacks a bit of the usual Inigo, it's still closer to that than anything Tidus would have seen from the guy during the past few days. Here Inigo isn't being all serious, after all. It's more just that he's sounding weak, left unsure of his footing after that nervous breakdown.
But he's trying. He is following Tidus, holding onto the other's hand.
He's talking, and breathing. Those are already two useful things.
"Maybe the people of the Ministry are some weird guys who never get stinky, so they don't realise."
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(They could use a transgate, but Tidus thinks the walk will do them good. Will do Inigo good, most of all.)
"How come after all this time, we still haven't gotten anything cool or handy? Trunks's got those bean-shaped capsules that poof out stuff - he should be giving us capsules with a shower and bathroom inside." Hah! "Could you imagine the queue? A porta-toilet and shower at the camps - you'd never get to use it!"
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Sure, Tidus's voice is instead filling up the quiet, but Inigo doesn't mind that so much. It's comfortable, familiar. If it wasn't for the fact that they're walking, he'd be tempted to just close his eyes for a few moments and listen to it. But the last thing he wants to do is accidentally walk into something like an idiot and have Tidus fuss over him even more.
So instead he just enjoys the babbling with his eyes open, this time actually squeezing Tidus's hand, unlike the time the other had found him earlier during the mission. A bit more Inigo-ness returning to him with every single passing moment.
"It'd be a worse line than there always is whenever we return from missions." Because then they'd all have to share one bathroom.
A total nightmare.
"Feels kind of nice to instead go to the shower here together." Because they don't have to worry about running into anyone, considering just how many of the train population was actually out there fighting and participating in the mission. Inigo doesn't have to feel as worried then, considering his sole company here is Tidus - and what hasn't the other guy seen from him already at this point?
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"Wanna tell the train to park on-planet more often?" It does a few times, doesn't it? Though when Tidus thinks back, he can't remember too many times during missions. Irivar? Wait, yeah, Irivar-- "That's a good idea. We have the transgates now! We can move to and back way easier than before. We should let it know - then we can sneak off like this a whole lot more."
Said, with a sly tone, behaviour not suited to the serious Voidtreckers. But they deserve it - and having actual toilets around would be nice.
(Seriously.)
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Maybe it's not exactly the right response to give when Inigo knows the other is just trying to be all light and playful about this - but the guilt of having basically ran away, even if it's just for a little bit, just weighs too heavy on Inigo's stomach for him to say anything else. For him to even entertain the idea of doing this more often.
If he's not out there saving people during missions, or trying to figure a way for people to return to their own worlds and to save the people they lost out there to the void - then what good is he? There's no way he can just think of doing fun things during moments where he's supposed to be working.
No matter how much he'd rather just be spending time with Tidus like this.
It's why those words don't sound scolding in any way. Instead they sound kind of.. sad, really. If not just in the wake of the emotions that completely overtook Inigo upon seeing just way too much of that distortion with the living corpses.
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They should have one more carriage to reach the closest shower, and at least they'll have towels and their washing gear in their arms bands. A silence lingering, until Tidus feels comfortable to say, more thoughtfully:
"If we could let people come back to the train and rest, as we keep a watch over the transgates - I'd stick back to give people a break. Even if it's just to sleep in their beds for a night."
A chance to return, to take the breather; to care for themselves if things are tough. And his steps slow to a pause, Tidus turning to look at Inigo, their hands still held.
"It's okay to take a step back. Even just once in a while - we're not alone."
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It becomes even more obvious when he slowly replies with a: ".. Sorry."
It's not that he didn't know what the other was saying. And people deserve breaks. They deserve not being forced to have to do any of this - the train can say it's voluntary all it likes, but people on the train are just way too nice to stay behind and do nothing - but on the other hand, Inigo is bad at granting himself that kind of generosity.
He can't stop. Especially when he was focusing on the mission as a way to cope with how miserable he's been feeling about a whole lot of things for such a long time now. It's hard to tell himself to stop, since that means facing everything he was trying to repress.
But how does he put that in words? How could he drag down everything that much when Tidus is trying so dang hard to take care of him?
"I know, but I.. I can't. I can't go out there either," not in the state he's in right now, anyway, his hands feel like they would start shaking the moment he'd be confronted with those distortions again, "but I still feel bad."
Not admitting that would be the same thing as just outright lying in this moment.
".. it kind of feels like the train broke something about me, and I don't know how to fix it," he admits. It's so soft, nearly a whisper, despite the fact that there's no one else around to hide it from in the first place.
Maybe it's just that it's so hard to actually say it.
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