Yes. I.. I know. I need to go back and finish that.
[ That question is the only easy one to answer there. Because it's obvious. Because there's no other answer. He has to go back and get rid of Grima. That's the one thing he knows he does have to keep going for, even when it hurts. It's the same as in the past. But the rest..
.. maybe he can't answer it without properly explaining to Tidus this time, huh? And shouldn't he, in general? Is it fair to consider Tidus such a close friend, but not tell him everything?
Inigo swallows. ]
But Tidus, I.. I don't have a home to return to.
[ Not technically. Even going back to fight Grima wouldn't be going 'home'. It would just be returning to the fight. ]
I told you, right? That my friends and I were always fighting, and that we got the chance to go to the past and fix things up there. Defeat Grima there so our terrible future would never come to pass. But.. that's the thing. We made sure it would never come to pass. And in doing that, we erased it from existence. [ And that by itself wasn't much of a problem when the world was dead anyway, when there was basically almost no one left but them, but.. ] We knew that'd happen. Naga warned us. We could go to the past, but we'd never be able to go back to our future. And we wouldn't belong in the past either, since 'we' will be born there again. But it won't be us.
[ Not the kids who grew up in a destroyed world, unable to still function as normal people due to their individual versions of what's practically PTSD. ]
We don't have anywhere to go. We can't even stick together. We would be too recognizable, especially in a world where none of us are supposed to exist.
[ But something wants him to not be so negative. Maybe it's to keep Tidus from feeling too bad for him, or maybe it's Gibbs's presence, managing to influence the very atmosphere in the air, radiating hope. ]
I-- one time. One time, I had hope. When I was with Yuki, I thought.. I thought I'd try. That I'd finish things up back home, and then go to him. It's honestly so scary, since I have no idea how to just live like a normal person, but.. He was so important to me. I thought it'd give a point to it all. [ Inigo goes quiet afterwards, not having to tell how that ended up going for him, obviously. ]
[ It's a lot. To even call it a lot doesn't explain what it is. Inigo speaks, peeling back the truths to his tale that Tidus never realised had been covered. Kept back. He almost worries, fears that Inigo's fate is from an unfinished story when-
'We erased it from existence.'
Tidus knows too well a story like this. It's a punch inside his ribcage trapping in his breath. Refusing to let him release until he realises--He exists. He didn't disappear. He's not going to disappear--
And unbeknownst, Inigo speaks on. Telling him about Yuki, as the numb that'd swiftly settled into Tidus's limbs eases away as a tingling across his body. He can't grip any more onto Inigo than he already is, and Tidus can't believe how -- scared Inigo had made him there. Nearly so worried, terrified for his life. Unintentionally, unknowingly, but still-!
It's hard to find himself back in this conversation, dazed as he became from that horrid and short-lived belief. That he'd be gone. But he isn't, is he? Even if Inigo can't stay home... if he can go somewhere else, anywhere at all, then-
Tidus clenches the fist resting on his legs, eyes closing for a moment to gather himself before he can speak. ]
Is there... anything you ever wanted to do? When you weren't fighting, or thinking about the future. [ ... ] Did you ever? Do you remember a time when you did?
[ If Inigo knew, he would have been more careful. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know the specific fear that grips Tidus's chest, the things that Inigo's story makes him think of. If there's any part of all of it that he thinks may hurt Tidus, it's more that last part - his talk about Yuki, about how their shot to be together is gone, much like Tidus's own shot with Yuna. But at that point he's already talking too much to stop himself, words spilling without end once the first ones have been unleashed.
So that tiny pause, any sign of hurt, or worry, or anything-- that's what Inigo is going to ascribe it to. Not that it doesn't make him feel a pang of guilt all the same. This always happens, doesn't it? He crops things up so much that once he starts spilling a bit, he spills the whole mess, and then he inadvertently hurts someone.
His cheeks burn with shame and guilt, and he's halfway through choking out a: ]
Tidus, I'm so sor--
[ .. when he's interrupted by Tidus's own question, stopping him completely. Because that question is so much. ]
I.. well, I.. I don't know..
[ It's not hesitation to tell Tidus the true answer. It's genuinely Inigo not remembering for a moment. Sometimes that memory is trapped just a bit too far down, especially during moments when his mind is already spiralling. Buried deep underneath the memories of lying in all sorts of places, unable to sleep, thinking this will never end and why am I even here and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts.
But just when the emotional distress feels like it's too much on his end as well, Inigo's chest glows, Jumblie appearing with a jump in the air. She waggles around rather hurriedly on her tiny stumpy legs, first smushing herself against Inigo's cheek in an attempt to give him a hug, and then rushing over to Tidus to do the same, using the space on his lap next to Gibbs to press herself against his stomach - a hug born out of Inigo's heart's desire to somehow reassure Tidus, too, despite being so stupidly bad at it in the middle of his own mental breakdown.
It's only when she feels the boys have been sufficiently hugged that she starts to hurriedly waddle once more, her hat shaking back and forth, until she's standing on the floor in front of both of them. Inigo stares at her, speechless, as she slowly starts dancing. But it's not even the typical higgledy dance. It's like she's trying to show off something more intentional, elaborate, from the depths of Inigo's heart.
[ Gibbers will make room for Jumblie as she needs it, like Tidus might make room for anything Inigo might want to do. But the two higgledys share as regular a space with each other as their friends do; and as the golden creature presses herself into him, warm and joyful, there's a small noise that leaves Tidus's lips. Surprised-- but pleasant. Inigo's tiny friend never unwelcome to him.
But then she leaves, and Tidus looks back to Inigo, if not completely. The little creature catching his eye -- both their eyes, the way it sways, a habit all the higgledies seem to love, except- ]
A dancer? [ There he speaks with the same surprised tone. Tidus pulls his arm away, and Gibbrs blinks in a flash of light from his lap, joining where Jumblie dance. Jumblie can take one of his tiny hands and join him in her routine, or he can break out into his own crazy moves.
But as for Tidus, he shuffles himself, bringing himself to face Inigo. Bright-eyed, curious. ] --What about now? Do you still want to?
[ Inigo hums in confirmation, his gaze still on the two tiny things for the moment. Especially as he watches Jumblie take those small hands into her own, starting to lead Gibbs into a dance. Naturally, without hesitation. It must be that fondness higgledies seem to have for dancing, Inigo thinks, and finally manages to tear his gaze away to look at Tidus. ]
I don't know. [ His arm that isn't on Tidus's side momentarily moves up so he can rub at his eyes, just in case tears were starting to appear in there, before being lowered again. ] I.. I like dancing still.
[ That much he does know, even though the way he admits it to Tidus is shy, vulnerable. Inigo almost looks a little skittish, like he's about to dash away. ]
But I'm not sure I could anymore. I was.. prettier when I was younger. [ Not stuck in this weird inbetween where he is now. Not quite super muscly, but not full on dainty anymore like he was when he was younger either. Like the hard edges and muscles from hard work and terrible battles just grew over Inigo's natural smooth forms. ] And I didn't have these dumb scars. And I was more carefree.
[ Not pretty. More carefree. What is dancing where Inigo comes from? Tidus sweeps a look over the guy in front of him, down and depressed. But he's more than that in Tidus's eyes, and he plants his own hands onto Inigo's knees, leaning in to catch his face with a smile. ]
You think that's all holding you back? [ Well- Tidus pulls back a little, tipping his head as he admits, ] I don't know what kind of dancing you like, but there's all sorts, isn't there? And take it from me: You are not a bad-lookin' guy.
[ A beat. Let him repeat: ] For a guy.
[ But Inigo needs more than jokes, and he thinks, realising them both sharing something about the other hasn't been going so badly here. And what Tidus can share here, is... ]
People danced where I came from. In Zanarkand. They had professional dancing for entertainment videos, and people did it for fun in clubs - where people hung out for fun.
There's worlds out there like that. Where things aren't easy, but... where you can be who you want to be. A good-lookin' guy with an interesting body. And good moves to go with it.
[ If there's one upside about this whole situation, it's that Inigo isn't going to get blushy or disaster gay-like at a moment like this. Not while he's still stewing in way too many emotions, most of them not too positive.
But at least he does look up a bit, catching Tidus's eye, even though the look in his eyes is still so vulnerable and raw.
But it's open. There's nothing hidden at the moment. Any wall Inigo may have pulled up between the two of them in the past is now completely gone. ]
Well, I'm-- [ He sputters. ] I'm not that good.
[ It's not really a lie as much as it's Inigo's insecurity speaking up, rather than objective reality. ]
Nowhere near good enough to make it that far. And I.. I'm also scared. I know it sounds dumb, and that I'm much too old to be scared of being alone, but.. I don't know if I can start all alone again. [ Not while he's had to leave people behind again, and again, and again. So many times. Being alone is practically Inigo's biggest fear, so the thought of starting out somewhere by himself..? Terrifying.
His hands land on top of Tidus's, like they're asking for some silent comfort. ] I'm not strong enough for it. Especially-- Especially while I still don't really know who I want to be.
[ Inigo's hands land on his, and Tidus turns them within seconds. Taking a hold of them, thumbs pressed into the line of Inigo's fingers there. And then his palms cup over, curling their hands together. ]
Then why don't we find out who that is? [ He lifts his gaze, from their hands to finding Inigo's eye again. Easily, comfortably, his smile not leaving him. ] You know... I told you about Yuna, didn't I? When she was a summoner, she was ready to give up her life for Spira. She never thought of who she'd be. She admitted to me... she felt lost, after. Even up to a little while ago, even though it's been two years since we defeated Sin.
[ He lifts their hands between them. ] Take your time. Find out who you'll be. But think about it--one problem at a time. And... dance. You should dance, no matter what. Dance because you want to, Inigo. Dance because it's you.
[ His smile widens, his head swinging lightly; playful, mirth in his movements. ]
[ It's like he truly doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know what to do when he basks in Tidus's light. It's the kind of thing Inigo usually provides for other people - unwavering support, the brightest of smiles - but isn't quite as used to having it turned upon him this heavily.
Is he even worth it? Even Tidus bringing up Yuna. Someone so, so important to him. Someone who must still have left a raw space in his heart. (He's right though, isn't that exactly like Inigo? Having prepared yourself for a specific fate, only for it to shift multiple times, rapidly, and having no idea what to do with it.) ]
I don't know if I can. [ It took Yuna about two years, Tidus says.
How long will it take Inigo? Will he ever even get there? He doesn't even feel like an actual person when he thinks about himself.
Inigo doesn't drop his gaze from the other's. Doesn't pull his hands out of Tidus's. Tidus is right there too. It is scary.
He's terrified, even as he looks at that smile that feels like the sun basking down on him. ]
But it'd.. it'd be pretty unfair to just say 'I won't do it' when you're being so nice about it.
[ Tidus gives Inigo time. There's no need to hurry to speak, to fill in the spaces with encouragement. Inigo has time, and so do they. Gaze drifting to the two higgledies beside them, dancing in a joined spectacle, to a rhythm they know. So well-connected, joy and hope -
They're not always compatible, possible. But maybe right here, they can all give Inigo that. The possibility for it in the future. ]
I can't know how it'd be, [ he admits softly. ] Starting all over again... it's gotta be scary. In any world - even your own.
But... You're not going to be along anymore. Roland's made sure of that. [ And surely Inigo gets it then. But Tidus tips his head to Inigo's partner, then looks over to her now. In timing, Gibbers keeps one of his hands on hers, but then raises his other, posing, as if presenting Jumblie to their audience. Presenting Inigo's hope. ] No matter where you go - you'll always have her with you now. She'll be your friend.
[ Inigo's voice is a little quiet as he says it, looking over at Jumblie. Who, in turn, momentarily bows at Gibbs as if to thank him for the dance before running right over at Inigo, jumping at him. Inigo doesn't even seem to have to think before wrapping his arms around her, like this is just some natural thing they do multiple times a day.
He feels a little guilty though as he looks down at her, feeling her usual warmth in his chest, down to his very heart. It's not as if her presence hasn't helped, but somehow Inigo feels like there's something wrong with him to still feel that familiar anxiety and occasional sadness even with her by his side. Like he should somehow be better than this. ]
But I'd rather still just.. not think about it.
[ Starting over by himself. Even with Jumblie by his side. It's too much. It plays on every since trauma he has, every single fear. Even just his mind slightly wandering over in the direction of the thought makes everything inside of him freeze, twist, like he's either going to throw up or pass out. Like a wall he can't get over, can't force himself past. Like every nightmare he's had of losing people again, again, again.
He holds the higgledy a bit tighter, forcing his mind away from it. Letting her light guide him away from it. ]
[ If there was more that Tidus could give to him, he would. But he understands this, he knows this--sometimes, there's nothing a person can give. Wishing for it like those on the platform watching Inigo break down had, when there's nothing to offer but -- time.
It's not comforting, it's not pleasant. It's not going to be easy, and all Tidus can hope to give is his assurances. His hands coming to sit on Inigo's shoulders, his tone accepting. ]
You don't need to right now. Right now- you can find out who you are. Enjoy some dance. [ His hands drop, and he leans back- and in this moment, Gibbers glows in an enveloped light, splitting into a many smaller higgledies that jump into Inigo's lap, onto his arms, up onto his shoulders. Each taking and finding a place to hug on him.
Distracting, and Tidus laughs behind his mouth, a small scoff. Delaying what he eventually goes on to say. ]
I bet there's movies and all kinds of dancing in the cinema, you know! We should watch a few. See if we can find the kind of dancing you're into.
[ Inigo feels relieved for Tidus granting him some room - not physical, of course, but more just in terms of time. In terms of emotions. Backing off a bit so Inigo can try to untangle the worries that have tied themselves into knots in his chest.
Only temporarily, he knows. They'll come back, sneaking up on him when he least expects it, threatening to drag him down. But he is going to try, at least. He did mean that much.
And it helps. Having higgledies by his side-- and of course an important friend like Tidus too. Even if they keep awkwardly stumbling upon difficult topics, his support still means the world to Inigo. ]
.. Sure. If you want to do that with me.
[ He smiles a bit. It's not too wide yet, still struggling to force down the pain, but it's a start, his free arm that isn't hugging Jumblie reaching over to gently stroke a finger over the water higgledies's heads, glad for their help. ]
But.. [ He starts, looking a bit more awkward. ] I.. um, please keep it a secret from everyone else? The dancing thing, I mean. I trust you with it, but I'm pretty embarrassed about it.
[ Tidus's easy agreement is unsurprising, but nice to hear all the same. It makes Inigo a little more forgiving of the question that follows, since he knows it's just Tidus being curious rather than trying to push him on this on purpose.
His cheeks start to grow red all the same though. He's starting to look like a traffic light at this rate. With attached higgledies. ]
N-No, I'm just.. shy. Like I told you about that whole thing with women. [ And though he's grown out of some shyness as the years passed, it's always stayed with these two things in particular. Always women and dancing. ]
Not to mention that all dancers are women where I come from. So I feel.. a little odd. In comparison.
[ Don't worry Inigo, the shoulder higgledies are trying to pap your cheeks to help you cool down!!
But ohhh, the women are all dancers in Inigo's world? That makes more sense now, and he nods. He knows he shouldn't tease him too much about that, and not that he wants to, but Tidus can't help the smile that blooms across his face. ]
Well, women can't have all the fun, huh? [ And again, more hushed (and if with a playful edge)-- ] You should show me some of your moves sometime.
[ It'd sound like flirting from anyone else - especially with the following wink. ]
[ It's a good thing his face was already red, even with the tiny water beings on his face doing their very best to try and cool down said face. Because that statement, followed by that wink, would have done the job otherwise.
For so, so many reasons. ]
Y.. You want to see?! But I.. I'm really not that good! [ He shakes his head (though gently, he doesn't want to accidentally shake off even a single higgledy!), looking like he's about to start sweating. Jumblie even starts hig!-ing a little at him in concern. ] It's nothing that special. I don't want to disappoint you!
How can you disappoint me? I don't know anything about dancing. [ And with the water higgledies being clued into Tidus's intentions, they jump off from Inigo's bodies, tiny squeaks as they get excited. A few fall on their face.
But Tidus is standing, up onto his feet. ]
I wanna see how you move! Is it a dance you do on your own? How about with me? [ Or he meant, 'with a partner', but that's just where his mouth took him. He rolls a hand however, as his mind works for further great ideas. ] Oh, let's see if the music car's free, the upstairs! We can pick some music!
[ It's hard to think. Because half of his brain is already busy with the many questions Tidus is asking him, but the other half is still on high alert at the thought of dancing in front of anyone. Especially when he hasn't been able to practice in so long, and.. well, it's not like Tidus of all people would judge him, but still!
It's a struggle. But what makes Inigo - in the end - unable to just back out and run away is the fact that Tidus has been so kind today, listening to Inigo talk. Trying to comfort him. Maybe he owes Tidus this bit of trust.
Jumblie jumps off Inigo too, cheering him on as she goes. He can do it! ]
Y-Yes, the music car might be better. I can dance without music, but it's a bit more awkward.. [ Especially when his heart is already pounding in his chest with anxiety during a first demonstration.
But he's determined to go through with it. Which means he's getting up too, already starting to head for the door. ]
And I can do both. Dancing on my own or with a partner, I mean. So, um.. depending on what you'd like, either is fine.. You don't have to worry if you're not used to dancing but want to dance with me, I can lead.
[ Tidus claps him on the back of the shoulders as he stands, Gibbers morphed once more into a singular form and skipping on ahead for the door, even more eager than the both of them, apparently. ]
You mean like a slow dance? I've seen that - easy! I can do that no problem! Alright, I'll help you get off the rust and pick some music with you. Don't worry, [ but why would inigo be anyway, ] I know the kind you need with that. All slow. Piano, violins...!
[ See? He's not just a dumb guy. But as the pair of them are walking, and figuring the question won't be too revealing as they past by anyone, Tidus asks, still interested- ]
So- do guys just not dance at all? Is there any special significance to it? Or is it just, women mostly do it, they're the people everyone likes to watch?
[ Usually Inigo may have told him that it's not exactly as easy as Tidus thinks it may be.. but right now, he's definitely willing to cut the other a lot of slack. Practically infinite slack. Especially when Tidus is being so sweet - so happy, enthusiastic, supportive. ]
Mostly the latter. [ He instead answers as they walk, Jumblie trailing right behind them, managing to keep up pretty well. ] Most people think it's strange to look at male dancers instead. Especially since there are a lot of men out there who prefer to look at dancers, as.. um..
[ He's humming in understanding, exactly like a guy who knows what Inigo means. And that's giving him an idea on what kind of dancing this is (definitely not the slow, piano and violins type, right?). ]
Well I bet there's guys and gals who'd be up for looking at a guy like that, hey? [ hint hint wink wink nudge nudge and all. ] S'not like the ladies don't like some skin to look at.
[ Which used to make him shy, but- you get used to it! You gotta act as big as they see you!!
But they've come into the corridor of the music car, the doors leading into the bottom floor where instruments sit spread out. Up above is where they have the stage, more suited for concerts than practising one's music.
[ Inigo may or may not be thinking about all the times he's failed with girls. And the fact that he doesn't know a single guy back home who is also into guys. And the fact that oh Naga, people would be looking at him while dancing, he feels like he's going to die--
Which is why he quickly focuses on heading up to the upper level of the carriage instead before his brain can work up a panic spiral big enough to convince him to go back on this whole idea. Of even just showing Tidus. Because he wants to go through with it, even though it's mortifying. ]
I don't know. Usually when I hear people talk about male dancers, they're just making fun of the concept. So I've never told anyone about this before.
[ Not voluntarily, anyway. Why do some people enjoy sneaking up to him at night, huh? ]
S--So that's just how much I trust you, alright! Don't take it for granted! [ Is Inigo tsunning a little?
How the tables have turned. Embarrassment can do some stuff to a guy, apparently.. ]
[ Probably the only, but surely not for the rest of Inigo's life. He'll need to work on his confidence as much as his moves though.
But Tidus wants to be supportive, as interested as he is about this dancing on its own. He goes to the wall terminal for the tunes by the carriage stage, clicking through to find what they need. Let's see... ]
So this is the kind of dance that men like to watch women do... [ So...
What comes under dance? ...
Let's put onto this, and Tidus looks over his shoulder. ]
But then it turns into a genuine frown as he shakes his head. No good. ]
I mean, if it's my first time dancing in front of you, I don't want to do it to this.. otherwordly music. [ Not that it's necessarily bad. Inigo is starting to get a bit more used to the modern sound, at least, but-- ] I'm not sure I can find the right beat to it.
[ And although he's pretty sure he's going to look like a fool performing anyway, he'd rather at least look like slightly less of a ridiculous fool.
Inigo moves over to the terminal, taking a look at it himself. Browsing some of the songs, mouthing silent 'no's and shaking his head..
Until he reaches one that he lets run for a little longer, a mix of something modern with something a bit more traditional, humming along as he seems to think. ]
.. I think I can make this one work.. I'll be improvising though, so don't hold it against me!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
no subject
[ That question is the only easy one to answer there. Because it's obvious. Because there's no other answer. He has to go back and get rid of Grima. That's the one thing he knows he does have to keep going for, even when it hurts. It's the same as in the past. But the rest..
.. maybe he can't answer it without properly explaining to Tidus this time, huh? And shouldn't he, in general? Is it fair to consider Tidus such a close friend, but not tell him everything?
Inigo swallows. ]
But Tidus, I.. I don't have a home to return to.
[ Not technically. Even going back to fight Grima wouldn't be going 'home'. It would just be returning to the fight. ]
I told you, right? That my friends and I were always fighting, and that we got the chance to go to the past and fix things up there. Defeat Grima there so our terrible future would never come to pass. But.. that's the thing. We made sure it would never come to pass. And in doing that, we erased it from existence. [ And that by itself wasn't much of a problem when the world was dead anyway, when there was basically almost no one left but them, but.. ] We knew that'd happen. Naga warned us. We could go to the past, but we'd never be able to go back to our future. And we wouldn't belong in the past either, since 'we' will be born there again. But it won't be us.
[ Not the kids who grew up in a destroyed world, unable to still function as normal people due to their individual versions of what's practically PTSD. ]
We don't have anywhere to go. We can't even stick together. We would be too recognizable, especially in a world where none of us are supposed to exist.
[ But something wants him to not be so negative. Maybe it's to keep Tidus from feeling too bad for him, or maybe it's Gibbs's presence, managing to influence the very atmosphere in the air, radiating hope. ]
I-- one time. One time, I had hope. When I was with Yuki, I thought.. I thought I'd try. That I'd finish things up back home, and then go to him. It's honestly so scary, since I have no idea how to just live like a normal person, but.. He was so important to me. I thought it'd give a point to it all. [ Inigo goes quiet afterwards, not having to tell how that ended up going for him, obviously. ]
no subject
[ It's a lot. To even call it a lot doesn't explain what it is. Inigo speaks, peeling back the truths to his tale that Tidus never realised had been covered. Kept back. He almost worries, fears that Inigo's fate is from an unfinished story when-
'We erased it from existence.'
Tidus knows too well a story like this. It's a punch inside his ribcage trapping in his breath. Refusing to let him release until he realises--He exists. He didn't disappear. He's not going to disappear--
And unbeknownst, Inigo speaks on. Telling him about Yuki, as the numb that'd swiftly settled into Tidus's limbs eases away as a tingling across his body. He can't grip any more onto Inigo than he already is, and Tidus can't believe how -- scared Inigo had made him there. Nearly so worried, terrified for his life. Unintentionally, unknowingly, but still-!
It's hard to find himself back in this conversation, dazed as he became from that horrid and short-lived belief. That he'd be gone. But he isn't, is he? Even if Inigo can't stay home... if he can go somewhere else, anywhere at all, then-
Tidus clenches the fist resting on his legs, eyes closing for a moment to gather himself before he can speak. ]
Is there... anything you ever wanted to do? When you weren't fighting, or thinking about the future. [ ... ] Did you ever? Do you remember a time when you did?
[ A hope. A future. ]
Who did you want to be?
[ That's what Inigo needs. ]
no subject
So that tiny pause, any sign of hurt, or worry, or anything-- that's what Inigo is going to ascribe it to. Not that it doesn't make him feel a pang of guilt all the same. This always happens, doesn't it? He crops things up so much that once he starts spilling a bit, he spills the whole mess, and then he inadvertently hurts someone.
His cheeks burn with shame and guilt, and he's halfway through choking out a: ]
Tidus, I'm so sor--
[ .. when he's interrupted by Tidus's own question, stopping him completely. Because that question is so much. ]
I.. well, I.. I don't know..
[ It's not hesitation to tell Tidus the true answer. It's genuinely Inigo not remembering for a moment. Sometimes that memory is trapped just a bit too far down, especially during moments when his mind is already spiralling. Buried deep underneath the memories of lying in all sorts of places, unable to sleep, thinking this will never end and why am I even here and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts.
But just when the emotional distress feels like it's too much on his end as well, Inigo's chest glows, Jumblie appearing with a jump in the air. She waggles around rather hurriedly on her tiny stumpy legs, first smushing herself against Inigo's cheek in an attempt to give him a hug, and then rushing over to Tidus to do the same, using the space on his lap next to Gibbs to press herself against his stomach - a hug born out of Inigo's heart's desire to somehow reassure Tidus, too, despite being so stupidly bad at it in the middle of his own mental breakdown.
It's only when she feels the boys have been sufficiently hugged that she starts to hurriedly waddle once more, her hat shaking back and forth, until she's standing on the floor in front of both of them. Inigo stares at her, speechless, as she slowly starts dancing. But it's not even the typical higgledy dance. It's like she's trying to show off something more intentional, elaborate, from the depths of Inigo's heart.
.. Right. ]
I wanted.. to become a dancer. Like my mother.
no subject
But then she leaves, and Tidus looks back to Inigo, if not completely. The little creature catching his eye -- both their eyes, the way it sways, a habit all the higgledies seem to love, except- ]
A dancer? [ There he speaks with the same surprised tone. Tidus pulls his arm away, and Gibbrs blinks in a flash of light from his lap, joining where Jumblie dance. Jumblie can take one of his tiny hands and join him in her routine, or he can break out into his own crazy moves.
But as for Tidus, he shuffles himself, bringing himself to face Inigo. Bright-eyed, curious. ] --What about now? Do you still want to?
no subject
I don't know. [ His arm that isn't on Tidus's side momentarily moves up so he can rub at his eyes, just in case tears were starting to appear in there, before being lowered again. ] I.. I like dancing still.
[ That much he does know, even though the way he admits it to Tidus is shy, vulnerable. Inigo almost looks a little skittish, like he's about to dash away. ]
But I'm not sure I could anymore. I was.. prettier when I was younger. [ Not stuck in this weird inbetween where he is now. Not quite super muscly, but not full on dainty anymore like he was when he was younger either. Like the hard edges and muscles from hard work and terrible battles just grew over Inigo's natural smooth forms. ] And I didn't have these dumb scars. And I was more carefree.
no subject
You think that's all holding you back? [ Well- Tidus pulls back a little, tipping his head as he admits, ] I don't know what kind of dancing you like, but there's all sorts, isn't there? And take it from me: You are not a bad-lookin' guy.
[ A beat. Let him repeat: ] For a guy.
[ But Inigo needs more than jokes, and he thinks, realising them both sharing something about the other hasn't been going so badly here. And what Tidus can share here, is... ]
People danced where I came from. In Zanarkand. They had professional dancing for entertainment videos, and people did it for fun in clubs - where people hung out for fun.
There's worlds out there like that. Where things aren't easy, but... where you can be who you want to be. A good-lookin' guy with an interesting body. And good moves to go with it.
no subject
But at least he does look up a bit, catching Tidus's eye, even though the look in his eyes is still so vulnerable and raw.
But it's open. There's nothing hidden at the moment. Any wall Inigo may have pulled up between the two of them in the past is now completely gone. ]
Well, I'm-- [ He sputters. ] I'm not that good.
[ It's not really a lie as much as it's Inigo's insecurity speaking up, rather than objective reality. ]
Nowhere near good enough to make it that far. And I.. I'm also scared. I know it sounds dumb, and that I'm much too old to be scared of being alone, but.. I don't know if I can start all alone again. [ Not while he's had to leave people behind again, and again, and again. So many times. Being alone is practically Inigo's biggest fear, so the thought of starting out somewhere by himself..? Terrifying.
His hands land on top of Tidus's, like they're asking for some silent comfort. ] I'm not strong enough for it. Especially-- Especially while I still don't really know who I want to be.
[ If he even wants to be anything at all. ]
no subject
Then why don't we find out who that is? [ He lifts his gaze, from their hands to finding Inigo's eye again. Easily, comfortably, his smile not leaving him. ] You know... I told you about Yuna, didn't I? When she was a summoner, she was ready to give up her life for Spira. She never thought of who she'd be. She admitted to me... she felt lost, after. Even up to a little while ago, even though it's been two years since we defeated Sin.
[ He lifts their hands between them. ] Take your time. Find out who you'll be. But think about it--one problem at a time. And... dance. You should dance, no matter what. Dance because you want to, Inigo. Dance because it's you.
[ His smile widens, his head swinging lightly; playful, mirth in his movements. ]
Sounds pretty scary but fun, doesn't it?
no subject
[ It's like he truly doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know what to do when he basks in Tidus's light. It's the kind of thing Inigo usually provides for other people - unwavering support, the brightest of smiles - but isn't quite as used to having it turned upon him this heavily.
Is he even worth it? Even Tidus bringing up Yuna. Someone so, so important to him. Someone who must still have left a raw space in his heart. (He's right though, isn't that exactly like Inigo? Having prepared yourself for a specific fate, only for it to shift multiple times, rapidly, and having no idea what to do with it.) ]
I don't know if I can. [ It took Yuna about two years, Tidus says.
How long will it take Inigo? Will he ever even get there? He doesn't even feel like an actual person when he thinks about himself.
Inigo doesn't drop his gaze from the other's. Doesn't pull his hands out of Tidus's. Tidus is right there too. It is scary.
He's terrified, even as he looks at that smile that feels like the sun basking down on him. ]
But it'd.. it'd be pretty unfair to just say 'I won't do it' when you're being so nice about it.
no subject
They're not always compatible, possible. But maybe right here, they can all give Inigo that. The possibility for it in the future. ]
I can't know how it'd be, [ he admits softly. ] Starting all over again... it's gotta be scary. In any world - even your own.
But... You're not going to be along anymore. Roland's made sure of that. [ And surely Inigo gets it then. But Tidus tips his head to Inigo's partner, then looks over to her now. In timing, Gibbers keeps one of his hands on hers, but then raises his other, posing, as if presenting Jumblie to their audience. Presenting Inigo's hope. ] No matter where you go - you'll always have her with you now. She'll be your friend.
no subject
[ Inigo's voice is a little quiet as he says it, looking over at Jumblie. Who, in turn, momentarily bows at Gibbs as if to thank him for the dance before running right over at Inigo, jumping at him. Inigo doesn't even seem to have to think before wrapping his arms around her, like this is just some natural thing they do multiple times a day.
He feels a little guilty though as he looks down at her, feeling her usual warmth in his chest, down to his very heart. It's not as if her presence hasn't helped, but somehow Inigo feels like there's something wrong with him to still feel that familiar anxiety and occasional sadness even with her by his side. Like he should somehow be better than this. ]
But I'd rather still just.. not think about it.
[ Starting over by himself. Even with Jumblie by his side. It's too much. It plays on every since trauma he has, every single fear. Even just his mind slightly wandering over in the direction of the thought makes everything inside of him freeze, twist, like he's either going to throw up or pass out. Like a wall he can't get over, can't force himself past. Like every nightmare he's had of losing people again, again, again.
He holds the higgledy a bit tighter, forcing his mind away from it. Letting her light guide him away from it. ]
I'm not ready.
no subject
[ If there was more that Tidus could give to him, he would. But he understands this, he knows this--sometimes, there's nothing a person can give. Wishing for it like those on the platform watching Inigo break down had, when there's nothing to offer but -- time.
It's not comforting, it's not pleasant. It's not going to be easy, and all Tidus can hope to give is his assurances. His hands coming to sit on Inigo's shoulders, his tone accepting. ]
You don't need to right now. Right now- you can find out who you are. Enjoy some dance. [ His hands drop, and he leans back- and in this moment, Gibbers glows in an enveloped light, splitting into a many smaller higgledies that jump into Inigo's lap, onto his arms, up onto his shoulders. Each taking and finding a place to hug on him.
Distracting, and Tidus laughs behind his mouth, a small scoff. Delaying what he eventually goes on to say. ]
I bet there's movies and all kinds of dancing in the cinema, you know! We should watch a few. See if we can find the kind of dancing you're into.
no subject
Only temporarily, he knows. They'll come back, sneaking up on him when he least expects it, threatening to drag him down. But he is going to try, at least. He did mean that much.
And it helps. Having higgledies by his side-- and of course an important friend like Tidus too. Even if they keep awkwardly stumbling upon difficult topics, his support still means the world to Inigo. ]
.. Sure. If you want to do that with me.
[ He smiles a bit. It's not too wide yet, still struggling to force down the pain, but it's a start, his free arm that isn't hugging Jumblie reaching over to gently stroke a finger over the water higgledies's heads, glad for their help. ]
But.. [ He starts, looking a bit more awkward. ] I.. um, please keep it a secret from everyone else? The dancing thing, I mean. I trust you with it, but I'm pretty embarrassed about it.
no subject
Sure, lips sealed, the whole deal. [ But- ] What's wrong with dancing? ... is it the kind of dancing?
[ He asks it lower, to his credit! And he's trying to wonder what kind of dancing he knows about that might be embarrassing...
really really erotic dancing...??? ]
no subject
His cheeks start to grow red all the same though. He's starting to look like a traffic light at this rate. With attached higgledies. ]
N-No, I'm just.. shy. Like I told you about that whole thing with women. [ And though he's grown out of some shyness as the years passed, it's always stayed with these two things in particular. Always women and dancing. ]
Not to mention that all dancers are women where I come from. So I feel.. a little odd. In comparison.
no subject
But ohhh, the women are all dancers in Inigo's world? That makes more sense now, and he nods. He knows he shouldn't tease him too much about that, and not that he wants to, but Tidus can't help the smile that blooms across his face. ]
Well, women can't have all the fun, huh? [ And again, more hushed (and if with a playful edge)-- ] You should show me some of your moves sometime.
[ It'd sound like flirting from anyone else - especially with the following wink. ]
no subject
[ It's a good thing his face was already red, even with the tiny water beings on his face doing their very best to try and cool down said face. Because that statement, followed by that wink, would have done the job otherwise.
For so, so many reasons. ]
Y.. You want to see?! But I.. I'm really not that good! [ He shakes his head (though gently, he doesn't want to accidentally shake off even a single higgledy!), looking like he's about to start sweating. Jumblie even starts hig!-ing a little at him in concern. ] It's nothing that special. I don't want to disappoint you!
no subject
Oh. ]
How can you disappoint me? I don't know anything about dancing. [ And with the water higgledies being clued into Tidus's intentions, they jump off from Inigo's bodies, tiny squeaks as they get excited. A few fall on their face.
But Tidus is standing, up onto his feet. ]
I wanna see how you move! Is it a dance you do on your own? How about with me? [ Or he meant, 'with a partner', but that's just where his mouth took him. He rolls a hand however, as his mind works for further great ideas. ] Oh, let's see if the music car's free, the upstairs! We can pick some music!
no subject
It's a struggle. But what makes Inigo - in the end - unable to just back out and run away is the fact that Tidus has been so kind today, listening to Inigo talk. Trying to comfort him. Maybe he owes Tidus this bit of trust.
Jumblie jumps off Inigo too, cheering him on as she goes. He can do it! ]
Y-Yes, the music car might be better. I can dance without music, but it's a bit more awkward.. [ Especially when his heart is already pounding in his chest with anxiety during a first demonstration.
But he's determined to go through with it. Which means he's getting up too, already starting to head for the door. ]
And I can do both. Dancing on my own or with a partner, I mean. So, um.. depending on what you'd like, either is fine.. You don't have to worry if you're not used to dancing but want to dance with me, I can lead.
no subject
You mean like a slow dance? I've seen that - easy! I can do that no problem! Alright, I'll help you get off the rust and pick some music with you. Don't worry, [ but why would inigo be anyway, ] I know the kind you need with that. All slow. Piano, violins...!
[ See? He's not just a dumb guy. But as the pair of them are walking, and figuring the question won't be too revealing as they past by anyone, Tidus asks, still interested- ]
So- do guys just not dance at all? Is there any special significance to it? Or is it just, women mostly do it, they're the people everyone likes to watch?
no subject
Mostly the latter. [ He instead answers as they walk, Jumblie trailing right behind them, managing to keep up pretty well. ] Most people think it's strange to look at male dancers instead. Especially since there are a lot of men out there who prefer to look at dancers, as.. um..
[ His voice trails off, his cheeks pink. ]
.. you know. [ As objects of sexual desire. ]
no subject
Well I bet there's guys and gals who'd be up for looking at a guy like that, hey? [ hint hint wink wink nudge nudge and all. ] S'not like the ladies don't like some skin to look at.
[ Which used to make him shy, but- you get used to it! You gotta act as big as they see you!!
But they've come into the corridor of the music car, the doors leading into the bottom floor where instruments sit spread out. Up above is where they have the stage, more suited for concerts than practising one's music.
Exactly the space they need. ]
no subject
[ Inigo may or may not be thinking about all the times he's failed with girls. And the fact that he doesn't know a single guy back home who is also into guys. And the fact that oh Naga, people would be looking at him while dancing, he feels like he's going to die--
Which is why he quickly focuses on heading up to the upper level of the carriage instead before his brain can work up a panic spiral big enough to convince him to go back on this whole idea. Of even just showing Tidus. Because he wants to go through with it, even though it's mortifying. ]
I don't know. Usually when I hear people talk about male dancers, they're just making fun of the concept. So I've never told anyone about this before.
[ Not voluntarily, anyway. Why do some people enjoy sneaking up to him at night, huh? ]
S--So that's just how much I trust you, alright! Don't take it for granted! [ Is Inigo tsunning a little?
How the tables have turned. Embarrassment can do some stuff to a guy, apparently.. ]
no subject
[ Probably the only, but surely not for the rest of Inigo's life. He'll need to work on his confidence as much as his moves though.
But Tidus wants to be supportive, as interested as he is about this dancing on its own. He goes to the wall terminal for the tunes by the carriage stage, clicking through to find what they need. Let's see... ]
So this is the kind of dance that men like to watch women do... [ So...
What comes under dance? ...
Let's put onto this, and Tidus looks over his shoulder. ]
Yeah? No?
no subject
But then it turns into a genuine frown as he shakes his head. No good. ]
I mean, if it's my first time dancing in front of you, I don't want to do it to this.. otherwordly music. [ Not that it's necessarily bad. Inigo is starting to get a bit more used to the modern sound, at least, but-- ] I'm not sure I can find the right beat to it.
[ And although he's pretty sure he's going to look like a fool performing anyway, he'd rather at least look like slightly less of a ridiculous fool.
Inigo moves over to the terminal, taking a look at it himself. Browsing some of the songs, mouthing silent 'no's and shaking his head..
Until he reaches one that he lets run for a little longer, a mix of something modern with something a bit more traditional, humming along as he seems to think. ]
.. I think I can make this one work.. I'll be improvising though, so don't hold it against me!
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
post holding is exactly what i do all day at work though
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)