[ What's even the fuss? If the guy isn't interested in someone, then it seems like a nonsensical issue in Inigo's head, which-- probably explains it there. Tidus tilts his head though, starting to yield. ]
What's he promised to do, set you up with a bunch of girls? [ Heh. ] Fine, tell him. But I wouldn't make it a big deal. You like guys, that's who you are.
[ ... ]
But you know you can't be gay and talk about that you might get with a girl if you really had to.
[ Because Tidus hasn't forgotten that dumb conversation. And yes, he will frame it like that. ]
[ His voice rises in volume, enough to make some of the higgledies - though thankfully no other people, since no one else seems to be around right now, thank Naga - turn their heads and look at the two of them, stopping in the middle of bouncing and running around.
It's still enough attention that Inigo becomes aware of his voice though, and he stops, groans, and rubs his face. ]
I'm not going to talk with you about this. You don't understand. [ UGH. Straight men. ]
[ Excuse you, making big deals out of insignificant things is his day job! ]
I can't just-- ugh.
[ For a moment it seems like he might just get more frustrated, but the same thing as ever happens with Inigo. Rather than turning to anger, of course his heart turns towards the sad side of upset instead.
His gaze turns towards the floor. ]
Don't make fun of me. This is really important to me, you know.
[ Even if Inigo thinks so. He's relaxed, and at this point, beyond the teasing part of his reaction. Okay, maybe he's teasing a little. Unable to understand Inigo's worries, but- ]
But isn't that how you should be thinking about it? Relax! I mean - what d'you think's gonna happen next? Is he supposed to do something when he knows?
[ Is there some medieval gay ritual Tidus doesn't know about? ]
[ There's a very, very brief scrutinizing look thrown Tidus's way at that statement.
But Inigo already knows, really. Way before he looks. Tidus wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it - not when Inigo was being serious or upset, anyway. So Inigo exhales, extending his friend that trust that the teasing is over - if not just for now. ]
I don't know. [ It sounds honest, though still a little fussed. ] It's just.. He might think it's odd. I don't know what things are like in his world. It's not even as if there are a lot of guy couples in mine.. I think.
[ Kind of hard to tell when the population has been utterly decimated beyond belief. ]
But if he was a fussed guy, [ and Tidus decides to represent 'a fussed guy' by wiggling his hands held straight in differing directions, ] wouldn't he have made a bigger deal during the movie night? And the hot spring.
Rol can be what you call a straight-edged kinda guy - all work, rules, forgettin' to play - but he's far from judgmental. He doesn't even push on decisions he doesn't agree with.
[ He knocks Inigo on the arm, looking at him with a mouth tugged up. ]
You couldn't tell anything to get that guy to change his mind about you.
I'm not so sure about that. [ He half-mumbles. Not that he thinks Roland isn't a nice guy, the problem isn't with him. Tidus is right. He's not really judgemental. The problem is with Inigo and all the weird, bad, dumb things about him.
He's trying to not slip into that insecurity spiral right now though, and he gives Tidus a half-smile, half-pout as he casts a sideways glance at him. ]
Before you start teasing me again-- you know I'm really grateful for whenever you take my dumb worries seriously, right? [ And for when Tidus tries to reassure him. Especially since he feels it starting to work more often recently. ]
That's what friends are for, right? [ He lifts an arm, sending it around Inigo's shoulders, making it scoot between the space of the wall and him. Come on Inigo, let's get this arm comfy and in place. You're getting the bro shoulder hug. ]
You should talk about them more with people! You get all those worries stuck in your head, and everything starts lookin' a bigger deal than it is. If you had to keep stuff to yourself back home just because, you can be more honest here. Especially to your friends.
[ He tugs on Inigo fondly. ] Not a bad perk for being stuck on a train, huh?
The moment it's in place, Inigo can't help but slightly lean sideways. He's not full on putting his head on Tidus's shoulder and making it sappy, but Inigo is just leaning a little into the hold, leaning against Tidus's side. It's comfortable. Warm.
Maybe it's those factors that make him a bit more honest. That, and an honest attempt at trying to be more open with Tidus to try and prevent dumb misunderstandings. ]
Hmm.. I mean, I do think you're right, it's just-- it still feels odd talking about them around certain people. I actually cried on the platform in full view of everyone, but the way some of my friends reacted was just..
[ He makes a vague hand gesture. ]
.. not bad! But.. you know? [ Just awkward. Just making him feel like chosing to be open about his negative emotions wasn't the right thing to do. ] I think my emotions may be a bit much for some people, maybe.
[ Inigo shakes his head. ]
I trust you with it though. [ Hence why he's saying all of this in the first place right now, rather than keeping that to himself. ]
[ With Inigo shifting in, his arm in a comfortable place, his hand on Inigo's shoulder holds it. Like a slot being properly filled, latched into where it should be. ]
Sorry I wasn't there with you on the platform. [ Sure, they were together later, but - it's an earnest apology all the same. ]
But hey, if you need a good cry, let it out. That's what I think. [ Platform days suck for someone on the train, right? They've got to be used to someone getting upset. …he certainly put on a show the one before. ]
What even happened anyway? [ 'Not bad', but - what else then? ] People just don't know what to do when someone's cryin'?
[ Did Inigo have a full blow out or something along with those tears? ]
[ Although he doesn't mention anything about it out loud, Inigo shakes his head a little at the apology. Not to reject it, but more to just say 'no need to apologize'. He hadn't blamed Tidus for it for a moment, knew that the other had reasons to not want to be there. Not to mention that Tidus readily accepted him the moment Inigo came over to him for some comfort. That meant just as much.
But Tidus's question drags Inigo's mind momentarily back to the present, making him look slightly awkward. ]
No, it's just.. [ His voice trails off, unsure of how to word it, and he pulls his knees up to his chest. ] I was emotional. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said.
[ He realises that's still a little vague. Still explains absolutely nothing. So he sighs, tries again.
His voice is more quiet as he speaks this time. ] I told them that I wished there was some way to make it stop hurting all the time. And that sometimes I'm so tired of it all that I don't know what I'm still going on for.
[ Inigo made sure to not look directly at Tidus as he said any of it, though he glances in his direction now, just a bit. ]
But that's not exactly a fair thing to tell anyone. Of course they had no idea what to say. What would they even be supposed to say to something like that? "Alright, Inigo"? I probably just made them feel bad.
[ The fingers already pressed against Inigo draw him in more, shifts itself in a useless attempt to hold the other guy more. But he's already there in his embrace, well-fitted. It doesn't remove the desire, the want.
And it's worrying, but a strange sort, how so familiar Inigo's words so to Tidus. The him of this past month. His confession stings Tidus for what they are, a friend admitting their despair, wanting to give up. But it's a reminder too, of two lost souls on the bed that platform day. Nowhere to turn. Not knowing what to do. ]
It's tough, [ Tidus says first. ] --on all of us. I'm sure they already felt bad, but for you. They knew you were hurting. People wish as much as you they had an answer, but they don't. There's just nothing we can do but hurt for a while.
[ Strongly, without a break. Without thinking about it, Tidus's head leans for Inigo's -- their pause of training more than just about resting now. Tidus's thoughts drifting, remembering that earlier half of the month. ]
…I wanted to give up too. I... didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't think I had a place on the train. Whatever I did, it wouldn't be for the people who deserved it. All I could think about was that.
[ Inigo's voice is quiet, but it's not like it has to be much louder. Not when they're sitting here this close, Tidus's arm still over his shoulders, their heads leaning against each other. It's easy to turn the conversation a bit more towards Tidus's feelings in this position, especially since that's what Inigo tends to do. Focusing more on other people's emotions, rather than his own.
Maybe it's good that they're able to have this private little moment. It's often so hard to find a moment for those on the train, and it's not like this is something they could discuss with tons of other people around. (The higgledies don't count in this case, really.) ]
I know you've been looking a lot better. [ Especially compared to at first, even before the platform when Gerome left. The way Tidus looked right after Yuna left. The first time Inigo saw him outside of his room, where Tidus looked more ghost than human.
But Inigo, of all people, knows how easy it can be to shove down the most soul-crushing forms of despair and pretend they're not there for the eyes of the world. So.. ] But.. are you feeling even a tiny bit better by now?
But Inigo asks him, and he doesn't want to put aside the question. Not dodge it, though at the same time, it's tricky. Truthfully, if he was to answer... ]
I...don't know. But I know I am. I look forward to spending time with you, and my other friends. I... didn't even want to do that before. It didn't feel right. I was ashamed just thinking about it.
[ Because nobody knew the truth of him, the choices he made. That he didn't think, try harder for the people of Zanarkand. Didn't question if there was another way, only thought about the moment. Because it was difficult, hard to focus on his own mortality-
Even now, it creeps into his ribcage, buries itself there in his chest. Tidus looks at his lap, and in an unsuspecting glimmer--Gibbs appears, planting himself into it. Head tilted back, a cheery squeak coming out from his small mouth.
Tidus scoffs lightly, fondly. Scoots his other free hand around to give Gibbs a proper place to sit as he folds up his legs for him. ]
What about you? [ He tilts his head, barely in Inigo's direction. Not enough to remove where their heads rest against each other. ] What makes you want to go on? Do you know?
[ That was the answer he thought he'd get. And maybe even that he'd hoped for - a more welcome alternative than Tidus still doing that bad, but just hiding it better. Sure, things are still far from perfect, but.. Tidus is trying. He does have things to look forward to, even though everything is still hard.
Inigo doesn't even bat an eye when Gibbs appears a moment later. It's not too surprising, especially with how much experience he has in turn with Jumblie. Gibbs probably appeared out of some need for comfort in Tidus's heart - and so the sight of him is welcome. Inigo knows Gibbs just being there is going to make Tidus feel a tad more okay.
But he doesn't quite want to sit here and do nothing either, so Inigo moves the hand that's usually hanging between the two of them to instead rest on Tidus's upper leg, giving it a small but reassuring squeeze.
Before he can add any words to it though, there's already the question. And while everything inside of Inigo screams for him to avoid it, he knows he can't quite do that. It wouldn't be fair, not with Tidus himself being so honest. ]
.. I'm not sure. [ His gaze turns away from Tidus and the blue higgledy on his lap again. ] Back home I felt like it many times too. When I was struck down, and bled on the ground.. There were times where I thought about it. "I could just not get up." [ It had seemed like such an easy solution in comparison to continuing. ] But every time I did, I thought about how unfair it'd be. I thought about all the people out there who were still struggling for their lives, and how I didn't have the right to abandon them. No matter how tired I was, or how much it hurt. [ So he got up. Even when his heart felt empty, his feet like lead.
He realises Tidus probably won't be able to make sense of all of it, considering he's never properly told the other everything. But he feels something about Tidus's own answer seemed like that too. I was ashamed just thinking about it. Inigo can't quite place what made him ashamed, the reason probably lurking in the parts of their stories they never told each other. ]
And here.. I'm happy whenever I get to spend time with you, or Roland, or Taiki, or others, but.. [ He shakes his head. ] Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep, I'm afraid I'll wake up all alone the next morning.
But what about everyone else? [ He doesn't push with the question, make it too earnest. His gaze kept outward than shifting to peek a look at Inigo beside him, a frame he can't quite make out with the mess of hair in the way. Gibbs humming a tune, fun and drawn out, swinging his head from side to side. ]
You'll always have home to think about. No matter what happens here. I know...losing people is tough. It's not easy. ...I don't want to think about losing you or Taiki. [ His fingers squeeze Inigo's shoulder again. ] But... you have your sister waiting for you, don't you? Friends? You have a whole life ahead of you.
[ He can't hold it back this time, the optimism -- the future waiting for Inigo. A life that was hard, tortuous, that Tidus couldn't entirely understand. But- ]
Aren't you on your way to getting rid of that Grima guy?
Yes. I.. I know. I need to go back and finish that.
[ That question is the only easy one to answer there. Because it's obvious. Because there's no other answer. He has to go back and get rid of Grima. That's the one thing he knows he does have to keep going for, even when it hurts. It's the same as in the past. But the rest..
.. maybe he can't answer it without properly explaining to Tidus this time, huh? And shouldn't he, in general? Is it fair to consider Tidus such a close friend, but not tell him everything?
Inigo swallows. ]
But Tidus, I.. I don't have a home to return to.
[ Not technically. Even going back to fight Grima wouldn't be going 'home'. It would just be returning to the fight. ]
I told you, right? That my friends and I were always fighting, and that we got the chance to go to the past and fix things up there. Defeat Grima there so our terrible future would never come to pass. But.. that's the thing. We made sure it would never come to pass. And in doing that, we erased it from existence. [ And that by itself wasn't much of a problem when the world was dead anyway, when there was basically almost no one left but them, but.. ] We knew that'd happen. Naga warned us. We could go to the past, but we'd never be able to go back to our future. And we wouldn't belong in the past either, since 'we' will be born there again. But it won't be us.
[ Not the kids who grew up in a destroyed world, unable to still function as normal people due to their individual versions of what's practically PTSD. ]
We don't have anywhere to go. We can't even stick together. We would be too recognizable, especially in a world where none of us are supposed to exist.
[ But something wants him to not be so negative. Maybe it's to keep Tidus from feeling too bad for him, or maybe it's Gibbs's presence, managing to influence the very atmosphere in the air, radiating hope. ]
I-- one time. One time, I had hope. When I was with Yuki, I thought.. I thought I'd try. That I'd finish things up back home, and then go to him. It's honestly so scary, since I have no idea how to just live like a normal person, but.. He was so important to me. I thought it'd give a point to it all. [ Inigo goes quiet afterwards, not having to tell how that ended up going for him, obviously. ]
[ It's a lot. To even call it a lot doesn't explain what it is. Inigo speaks, peeling back the truths to his tale that Tidus never realised had been covered. Kept back. He almost worries, fears that Inigo's fate is from an unfinished story when-
'We erased it from existence.'
Tidus knows too well a story like this. It's a punch inside his ribcage trapping in his breath. Refusing to let him release until he realises--He exists. He didn't disappear. He's not going to disappear--
And unbeknownst, Inigo speaks on. Telling him about Yuki, as the numb that'd swiftly settled into Tidus's limbs eases away as a tingling across his body. He can't grip any more onto Inigo than he already is, and Tidus can't believe how -- scared Inigo had made him there. Nearly so worried, terrified for his life. Unintentionally, unknowingly, but still-!
It's hard to find himself back in this conversation, dazed as he became from that horrid and short-lived belief. That he'd be gone. But he isn't, is he? Even if Inigo can't stay home... if he can go somewhere else, anywhere at all, then-
Tidus clenches the fist resting on his legs, eyes closing for a moment to gather himself before he can speak. ]
Is there... anything you ever wanted to do? When you weren't fighting, or thinking about the future. [ ... ] Did you ever? Do you remember a time when you did?
[ If Inigo knew, he would have been more careful. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know the specific fear that grips Tidus's chest, the things that Inigo's story makes him think of. If there's any part of all of it that he thinks may hurt Tidus, it's more that last part - his talk about Yuki, about how their shot to be together is gone, much like Tidus's own shot with Yuna. But at that point he's already talking too much to stop himself, words spilling without end once the first ones have been unleashed.
So that tiny pause, any sign of hurt, or worry, or anything-- that's what Inigo is going to ascribe it to. Not that it doesn't make him feel a pang of guilt all the same. This always happens, doesn't it? He crops things up so much that once he starts spilling a bit, he spills the whole mess, and then he inadvertently hurts someone.
His cheeks burn with shame and guilt, and he's halfway through choking out a: ]
Tidus, I'm so sor--
[ .. when he's interrupted by Tidus's own question, stopping him completely. Because that question is so much. ]
I.. well, I.. I don't know..
[ It's not hesitation to tell Tidus the true answer. It's genuinely Inigo not remembering for a moment. Sometimes that memory is trapped just a bit too far down, especially during moments when his mind is already spiralling. Buried deep underneath the memories of lying in all sorts of places, unable to sleep, thinking this will never end and why am I even here and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts.
But just when the emotional distress feels like it's too much on his end as well, Inigo's chest glows, Jumblie appearing with a jump in the air. She waggles around rather hurriedly on her tiny stumpy legs, first smushing herself against Inigo's cheek in an attempt to give him a hug, and then rushing over to Tidus to do the same, using the space on his lap next to Gibbs to press herself against his stomach - a hug born out of Inigo's heart's desire to somehow reassure Tidus, too, despite being so stupidly bad at it in the middle of his own mental breakdown.
It's only when she feels the boys have been sufficiently hugged that she starts to hurriedly waddle once more, her hat shaking back and forth, until she's standing on the floor in front of both of them. Inigo stares at her, speechless, as she slowly starts dancing. But it's not even the typical higgledy dance. It's like she's trying to show off something more intentional, elaborate, from the depths of Inigo's heart.
[ Gibbers will make room for Jumblie as she needs it, like Tidus might make room for anything Inigo might want to do. But the two higgledys share as regular a space with each other as their friends do; and as the golden creature presses herself into him, warm and joyful, there's a small noise that leaves Tidus's lips. Surprised-- but pleasant. Inigo's tiny friend never unwelcome to him.
But then she leaves, and Tidus looks back to Inigo, if not completely. The little creature catching his eye -- both their eyes, the way it sways, a habit all the higgledies seem to love, except- ]
A dancer? [ There he speaks with the same surprised tone. Tidus pulls his arm away, and Gibbrs blinks in a flash of light from his lap, joining where Jumblie dance. Jumblie can take one of his tiny hands and join him in her routine, or he can break out into his own crazy moves.
But as for Tidus, he shuffles himself, bringing himself to face Inigo. Bright-eyed, curious. ] --What about now? Do you still want to?
[ Inigo hums in confirmation, his gaze still on the two tiny things for the moment. Especially as he watches Jumblie take those small hands into her own, starting to lead Gibbs into a dance. Naturally, without hesitation. It must be that fondness higgledies seem to have for dancing, Inigo thinks, and finally manages to tear his gaze away to look at Tidus. ]
I don't know. [ His arm that isn't on Tidus's side momentarily moves up so he can rub at his eyes, just in case tears were starting to appear in there, before being lowered again. ] I.. I like dancing still.
[ That much he does know, even though the way he admits it to Tidus is shy, vulnerable. Inigo almost looks a little skittish, like he's about to dash away. ]
But I'm not sure I could anymore. I was.. prettier when I was younger. [ Not stuck in this weird inbetween where he is now. Not quite super muscly, but not full on dainty anymore like he was when he was younger either. Like the hard edges and muscles from hard work and terrible battles just grew over Inigo's natural smooth forms. ] And I didn't have these dumb scars. And I was more carefree.
[ Not pretty. More carefree. What is dancing where Inigo comes from? Tidus sweeps a look over the guy in front of him, down and depressed. But he's more than that in Tidus's eyes, and he plants his own hands onto Inigo's knees, leaning in to catch his face with a smile. ]
You think that's all holding you back? [ Well- Tidus pulls back a little, tipping his head as he admits, ] I don't know what kind of dancing you like, but there's all sorts, isn't there? And take it from me: You are not a bad-lookin' guy.
[ A beat. Let him repeat: ] For a guy.
[ But Inigo needs more than jokes, and he thinks, realising them both sharing something about the other hasn't been going so badly here. And what Tidus can share here, is... ]
People danced where I came from. In Zanarkand. They had professional dancing for entertainment videos, and people did it for fun in clubs - where people hung out for fun.
There's worlds out there like that. Where things aren't easy, but... where you can be who you want to be. A good-lookin' guy with an interesting body. And good moves to go with it.
[ If there's one upside about this whole situation, it's that Inigo isn't going to get blushy or disaster gay-like at a moment like this. Not while he's still stewing in way too many emotions, most of them not too positive.
But at least he does look up a bit, catching Tidus's eye, even though the look in his eyes is still so vulnerable and raw.
But it's open. There's nothing hidden at the moment. Any wall Inigo may have pulled up between the two of them in the past is now completely gone. ]
Well, I'm-- [ He sputters. ] I'm not that good.
[ It's not really a lie as much as it's Inigo's insecurity speaking up, rather than objective reality. ]
Nowhere near good enough to make it that far. And I.. I'm also scared. I know it sounds dumb, and that I'm much too old to be scared of being alone, but.. I don't know if I can start all alone again. [ Not while he's had to leave people behind again, and again, and again. So many times. Being alone is practically Inigo's biggest fear, so the thought of starting out somewhere by himself..? Terrifying.
His hands land on top of Tidus's, like they're asking for some silent comfort. ] I'm not strong enough for it. Especially-- Especially while I still don't really know who I want to be.
[ Inigo's hands land on his, and Tidus turns them within seconds. Taking a hold of them, thumbs pressed into the line of Inigo's fingers there. And then his palms cup over, curling their hands together. ]
Then why don't we find out who that is? [ He lifts his gaze, from their hands to finding Inigo's eye again. Easily, comfortably, his smile not leaving him. ] You know... I told you about Yuna, didn't I? When she was a summoner, she was ready to give up her life for Spira. She never thought of who she'd be. She admitted to me... she felt lost, after. Even up to a little while ago, even though it's been two years since we defeated Sin.
[ He lifts their hands between them. ] Take your time. Find out who you'll be. But think about it--one problem at a time. And... dance. You should dance, no matter what. Dance because you want to, Inigo. Dance because it's you.
[ His smile widens, his head swinging lightly; playful, mirth in his movements. ]
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blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
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What's he promised to do, set you up with a bunch of girls? [ Heh. ] Fine, tell him. But I wouldn't make it a big deal. You like guys, that's who you are.
[ ... ]
But you know you can't be gay and talk about that you might get with a girl if you really had to.
[ Because Tidus hasn't forgotten that dumb conversation. And yes, he will frame it like that. ]
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[ His voice rises in volume, enough to make some of the higgledies - though thankfully no other people, since no one else seems to be around right now, thank Naga - turn their heads and look at the two of them, stopping in the middle of bouncing and running around.
It's still enough attention that Inigo becomes aware of his voice though, and he stops, groans, and rubs his face. ]
I'm not going to talk with you about this. You don't understand. [ UGH. Straight men. ]
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Just find out where he is and shout through the door, 'hey Roland, I'm gay!' and then go back to doing whatever.
[ Easy! ]
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I can't just-- ugh.
[ For a moment it seems like he might just get more frustrated, but the same thing as ever happens with Inigo. Rather than turning to anger, of course his heart turns towards the sad side of upset instead.
His gaze turns towards the floor. ]
Don't make fun of me. This is really important to me, you know.
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[ Even if Inigo thinks so. He's relaxed, and at this point, beyond the teasing part of his reaction. Okay, maybe he's teasing a little. Unable to understand Inigo's worries, but- ]
But isn't that how you should be thinking about it? Relax! I mean - what d'you think's gonna happen next? Is he supposed to do something when he knows?
[ Is there some medieval gay ritual Tidus doesn't know about? ]
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But Inigo already knows, really. Way before he looks. Tidus wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it - not when Inigo was being serious or upset, anyway. So Inigo exhales, extending his friend that trust that the teasing is over - if not just for now. ]
I don't know. [ It sounds honest, though still a little fussed. ] It's just.. He might think it's odd. I don't know what things are like in his world. It's not even as if there are a lot of guy couples in mine.. I think.
[ Kind of hard to tell when the population has been utterly decimated beyond belief. ]
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Rol can be what you call a straight-edged kinda guy - all work, rules, forgettin' to play - but he's far from judgmental. He doesn't even push on decisions he doesn't agree with.
[ He knocks Inigo on the arm, looking at him with a mouth tugged up. ]
You couldn't tell anything to get that guy to change his mind about you.
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He's trying to not slip into that insecurity spiral right now though, and he gives Tidus a half-smile, half-pout as he casts a sideways glance at him. ]
Before you start teasing me again-- you know I'm really grateful for whenever you take my dumb worries seriously, right? [ And for when Tidus tries to reassure him. Especially since he feels it starting to work more often recently. ]
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You should talk about them more with people! You get all those worries stuck in your head, and everything starts lookin' a bigger deal than it is. If you had to keep stuff to yourself back home just because, you can be more honest here. Especially to your friends.
[ He tugs on Inigo fondly. ] Not a bad perk for being stuck on a train, huh?
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The moment it's in place, Inigo can't help but slightly lean sideways. He's not full on putting his head on Tidus's shoulder and making it sappy, but Inigo is just leaning a little into the hold, leaning against Tidus's side. It's comfortable. Warm.
Maybe it's those factors that make him a bit more honest. That, and an honest attempt at trying to be more open with Tidus to try and prevent dumb misunderstandings. ]
Hmm.. I mean, I do think you're right, it's just-- it still feels odd talking about them around certain people. I actually cried on the platform in full view of everyone, but the way some of my friends reacted was just..
[ He makes a vague hand gesture. ]
.. not bad! But.. you know? [ Just awkward. Just making him feel like chosing to be open about his negative emotions wasn't the right thing to do. ] I think my emotions may be a bit much for some people, maybe.
[ Inigo shakes his head. ]
I trust you with it though. [ Hence why he's saying all of this in the first place right now, rather than keeping that to himself. ]
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Sorry I wasn't there with you on the platform. [ Sure, they were together later, but - it's an earnest apology all the same. ]
But hey, if you need a good cry, let it out. That's what I think. [ Platform days suck for someone on the train, right? They've got to be used to someone getting upset. …he certainly put on a show the one before. ]
What even happened anyway? [ 'Not bad', but - what else then? ] People just don't know what to do when someone's cryin'?
[ Did Inigo have a full blow out or something along with those tears? ]
just in case cw: some vague depression themes
But Tidus's question drags Inigo's mind momentarily back to the present, making him look slightly awkward. ]
No, it's just.. [ His voice trails off, unsure of how to word it, and he pulls his knees up to his chest. ] I was emotional. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said.
[ He realises that's still a little vague. Still explains absolutely nothing. So he sighs, tries again.
His voice is more quiet as he speaks this time. ] I told them that I wished there was some way to make it stop hurting all the time. And that sometimes I'm so tired of it all that I don't know what I'm still going on for.
[ Inigo made sure to not look directly at Tidus as he said any of it, though he glances in his direction now, just a bit. ]
But that's not exactly a fair thing to tell anyone. Of course they had no idea what to say. What would they even be supposed to say to something like that? "Alright, Inigo"? I probably just made them feel bad.
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And it's worrying, but a strange sort, how so familiar Inigo's words so to Tidus. The him of this past month. His confession stings Tidus for what they are, a friend admitting their despair, wanting to give up. But it's a reminder too, of two lost souls on the bed that platform day. Nowhere to turn. Not knowing what to do. ]
It's tough, [ Tidus says first. ] --on all of us. I'm sure they already felt bad, but for you. They knew you were hurting. People wish as much as you they had an answer, but they don't. There's just nothing we can do but hurt for a while.
[ Strongly, without a break. Without thinking about it, Tidus's head leans for Inigo's -- their pause of training more than just about resting now. Tidus's thoughts drifting, remembering that earlier half of the month. ]
…I wanted to give up too. I... didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't think I had a place on the train. Whatever I did, it wouldn't be for the people who deserved it. All I could think about was that.
[ ... ] It didn't feel right.
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[ Inigo's voice is quiet, but it's not like it has to be much louder. Not when they're sitting here this close, Tidus's arm still over his shoulders, their heads leaning against each other. It's easy to turn the conversation a bit more towards Tidus's feelings in this position, especially since that's what Inigo tends to do. Focusing more on other people's emotions, rather than his own.
Maybe it's good that they're able to have this private little moment. It's often so hard to find a moment for those on the train, and it's not like this is something they could discuss with tons of other people around. (The higgledies don't count in this case, really.) ]
I know you've been looking a lot better. [ Especially compared to at first, even before the platform when Gerome left. The way Tidus looked right after Yuna left. The first time Inigo saw him outside of his room, where Tidus looked more ghost than human.
But Inigo, of all people, knows how easy it can be to shove down the most soul-crushing forms of despair and pretend they're not there for the eyes of the world. So.. ] But.. are you feeling even a tiny bit better by now?
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But Inigo asks him, and he doesn't want to put aside the question. Not dodge it, though at the same time, it's tricky. Truthfully, if he was to answer... ]
I...don't know. But I know I am. I look forward to spending time with you, and my other friends. I... didn't even want to do that before. It didn't feel right. I was ashamed just thinking about it.
[ Because nobody knew the truth of him, the choices he made. That he didn't think, try harder for the people of Zanarkand. Didn't question if there was another way, only thought about the moment. Because it was difficult, hard to focus on his own mortality-
Even now, it creeps into his ribcage, buries itself there in his chest. Tidus looks at his lap, and in an unsuspecting glimmer--Gibbs appears, planting himself into it. Head tilted back, a cheery squeak coming out from his small mouth.
Tidus scoffs lightly, fondly. Scoots his other free hand around to give Gibbs a proper place to sit as he folds up his legs for him. ]
What about you? [ He tilts his head, barely in Inigo's direction. Not enough to remove where their heads rest against each other. ] What makes you want to go on? Do you know?
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Inigo doesn't even bat an eye when Gibbs appears a moment later. It's not too surprising, especially with how much experience he has in turn with Jumblie. Gibbs probably appeared out of some need for comfort in Tidus's heart - and so the sight of him is welcome. Inigo knows Gibbs just being there is going to make Tidus feel a tad more okay.
But he doesn't quite want to sit here and do nothing either, so Inigo moves the hand that's usually hanging between the two of them to instead rest on Tidus's upper leg, giving it a small but reassuring squeeze.
Before he can add any words to it though, there's already the question. And while everything inside of Inigo screams for him to avoid it, he knows he can't quite do that. It wouldn't be fair, not with Tidus himself being so honest. ]
.. I'm not sure. [ His gaze turns away from Tidus and the blue higgledy on his lap again. ] Back home I felt like it many times too. When I was struck down, and bled on the ground.. There were times where I thought about it. "I could just not get up." [ It had seemed like such an easy solution in comparison to continuing. ] But every time I did, I thought about how unfair it'd be. I thought about all the people out there who were still struggling for their lives, and how I didn't have the right to abandon them. No matter how tired I was, or how much it hurt. [ So he got up. Even when his heart felt empty, his feet like lead.
He realises Tidus probably won't be able to make sense of all of it, considering he's never properly told the other everything. But he feels something about Tidus's own answer seemed like that too. I was ashamed just thinking about it. Inigo can't quite place what made him ashamed, the reason probably lurking in the parts of their stories they never told each other. ]
And here.. I'm happy whenever I get to spend time with you, or Roland, or Taiki, or others, but.. [ He shakes his head. ] Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep, I'm afraid I'll wake up all alone the next morning.
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You'll always have home to think about. No matter what happens here. I know...losing people is tough. It's not easy. ...I don't want to think about losing you or Taiki. [ His fingers squeeze Inigo's shoulder again. ] But... you have your sister waiting for you, don't you? Friends? You have a whole life ahead of you.
[ He can't hold it back this time, the optimism -- the future waiting for Inigo. A life that was hard, tortuous, that Tidus couldn't entirely understand. But- ]
Aren't you on your way to getting rid of that Grima guy?
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[ That question is the only easy one to answer there. Because it's obvious. Because there's no other answer. He has to go back and get rid of Grima. That's the one thing he knows he does have to keep going for, even when it hurts. It's the same as in the past. But the rest..
.. maybe he can't answer it without properly explaining to Tidus this time, huh? And shouldn't he, in general? Is it fair to consider Tidus such a close friend, but not tell him everything?
Inigo swallows. ]
But Tidus, I.. I don't have a home to return to.
[ Not technically. Even going back to fight Grima wouldn't be going 'home'. It would just be returning to the fight. ]
I told you, right? That my friends and I were always fighting, and that we got the chance to go to the past and fix things up there. Defeat Grima there so our terrible future would never come to pass. But.. that's the thing. We made sure it would never come to pass. And in doing that, we erased it from existence. [ And that by itself wasn't much of a problem when the world was dead anyway, when there was basically almost no one left but them, but.. ] We knew that'd happen. Naga warned us. We could go to the past, but we'd never be able to go back to our future. And we wouldn't belong in the past either, since 'we' will be born there again. But it won't be us.
[ Not the kids who grew up in a destroyed world, unable to still function as normal people due to their individual versions of what's practically PTSD. ]
We don't have anywhere to go. We can't even stick together. We would be too recognizable, especially in a world where none of us are supposed to exist.
[ But something wants him to not be so negative. Maybe it's to keep Tidus from feeling too bad for him, or maybe it's Gibbs's presence, managing to influence the very atmosphere in the air, radiating hope. ]
I-- one time. One time, I had hope. When I was with Yuki, I thought.. I thought I'd try. That I'd finish things up back home, and then go to him. It's honestly so scary, since I have no idea how to just live like a normal person, but.. He was so important to me. I thought it'd give a point to it all. [ Inigo goes quiet afterwards, not having to tell how that ended up going for him, obviously. ]
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[ It's a lot. To even call it a lot doesn't explain what it is. Inigo speaks, peeling back the truths to his tale that Tidus never realised had been covered. Kept back. He almost worries, fears that Inigo's fate is from an unfinished story when-
'We erased it from existence.'
Tidus knows too well a story like this. It's a punch inside his ribcage trapping in his breath. Refusing to let him release until he realises--He exists. He didn't disappear. He's not going to disappear--
And unbeknownst, Inigo speaks on. Telling him about Yuki, as the numb that'd swiftly settled into Tidus's limbs eases away as a tingling across his body. He can't grip any more onto Inigo than he already is, and Tidus can't believe how -- scared Inigo had made him there. Nearly so worried, terrified for his life. Unintentionally, unknowingly, but still-!
It's hard to find himself back in this conversation, dazed as he became from that horrid and short-lived belief. That he'd be gone. But he isn't, is he? Even if Inigo can't stay home... if he can go somewhere else, anywhere at all, then-
Tidus clenches the fist resting on his legs, eyes closing for a moment to gather himself before he can speak. ]
Is there... anything you ever wanted to do? When you weren't fighting, or thinking about the future. [ ... ] Did you ever? Do you remember a time when you did?
[ A hope. A future. ]
Who did you want to be?
[ That's what Inigo needs. ]
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So that tiny pause, any sign of hurt, or worry, or anything-- that's what Inigo is going to ascribe it to. Not that it doesn't make him feel a pang of guilt all the same. This always happens, doesn't it? He crops things up so much that once he starts spilling a bit, he spills the whole mess, and then he inadvertently hurts someone.
His cheeks burn with shame and guilt, and he's halfway through choking out a: ]
Tidus, I'm so sor--
[ .. when he's interrupted by Tidus's own question, stopping him completely. Because that question is so much. ]
I.. well, I.. I don't know..
[ It's not hesitation to tell Tidus the true answer. It's genuinely Inigo not remembering for a moment. Sometimes that memory is trapped just a bit too far down, especially during moments when his mind is already spiralling. Buried deep underneath the memories of lying in all sorts of places, unable to sleep, thinking this will never end and why am I even here and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts.
But just when the emotional distress feels like it's too much on his end as well, Inigo's chest glows, Jumblie appearing with a jump in the air. She waggles around rather hurriedly on her tiny stumpy legs, first smushing herself against Inigo's cheek in an attempt to give him a hug, and then rushing over to Tidus to do the same, using the space on his lap next to Gibbs to press herself against his stomach - a hug born out of Inigo's heart's desire to somehow reassure Tidus, too, despite being so stupidly bad at it in the middle of his own mental breakdown.
It's only when she feels the boys have been sufficiently hugged that she starts to hurriedly waddle once more, her hat shaking back and forth, until she's standing on the floor in front of both of them. Inigo stares at her, speechless, as she slowly starts dancing. But it's not even the typical higgledy dance. It's like she's trying to show off something more intentional, elaborate, from the depths of Inigo's heart.
.. Right. ]
I wanted.. to become a dancer. Like my mother.
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But then she leaves, and Tidus looks back to Inigo, if not completely. The little creature catching his eye -- both their eyes, the way it sways, a habit all the higgledies seem to love, except- ]
A dancer? [ There he speaks with the same surprised tone. Tidus pulls his arm away, and Gibbrs blinks in a flash of light from his lap, joining where Jumblie dance. Jumblie can take one of his tiny hands and join him in her routine, or he can break out into his own crazy moves.
But as for Tidus, he shuffles himself, bringing himself to face Inigo. Bright-eyed, curious. ] --What about now? Do you still want to?
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I don't know. [ His arm that isn't on Tidus's side momentarily moves up so he can rub at his eyes, just in case tears were starting to appear in there, before being lowered again. ] I.. I like dancing still.
[ That much he does know, even though the way he admits it to Tidus is shy, vulnerable. Inigo almost looks a little skittish, like he's about to dash away. ]
But I'm not sure I could anymore. I was.. prettier when I was younger. [ Not stuck in this weird inbetween where he is now. Not quite super muscly, but not full on dainty anymore like he was when he was younger either. Like the hard edges and muscles from hard work and terrible battles just grew over Inigo's natural smooth forms. ] And I didn't have these dumb scars. And I was more carefree.
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You think that's all holding you back? [ Well- Tidus pulls back a little, tipping his head as he admits, ] I don't know what kind of dancing you like, but there's all sorts, isn't there? And take it from me: You are not a bad-lookin' guy.
[ A beat. Let him repeat: ] For a guy.
[ But Inigo needs more than jokes, and he thinks, realising them both sharing something about the other hasn't been going so badly here. And what Tidus can share here, is... ]
People danced where I came from. In Zanarkand. They had professional dancing for entertainment videos, and people did it for fun in clubs - where people hung out for fun.
There's worlds out there like that. Where things aren't easy, but... where you can be who you want to be. A good-lookin' guy with an interesting body. And good moves to go with it.
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But at least he does look up a bit, catching Tidus's eye, even though the look in his eyes is still so vulnerable and raw.
But it's open. There's nothing hidden at the moment. Any wall Inigo may have pulled up between the two of them in the past is now completely gone. ]
Well, I'm-- [ He sputters. ] I'm not that good.
[ It's not really a lie as much as it's Inigo's insecurity speaking up, rather than objective reality. ]
Nowhere near good enough to make it that far. And I.. I'm also scared. I know it sounds dumb, and that I'm much too old to be scared of being alone, but.. I don't know if I can start all alone again. [ Not while he's had to leave people behind again, and again, and again. So many times. Being alone is practically Inigo's biggest fear, so the thought of starting out somewhere by himself..? Terrifying.
His hands land on top of Tidus's, like they're asking for some silent comfort. ] I'm not strong enough for it. Especially-- Especially while I still don't really know who I want to be.
[ If he even wants to be anything at all. ]
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Then why don't we find out who that is? [ He lifts his gaze, from their hands to finding Inigo's eye again. Easily, comfortably, his smile not leaving him. ] You know... I told you about Yuna, didn't I? When she was a summoner, she was ready to give up her life for Spira. She never thought of who she'd be. She admitted to me... she felt lost, after. Even up to a little while ago, even though it's been two years since we defeated Sin.
[ He lifts their hands between them. ] Take your time. Find out who you'll be. But think about it--one problem at a time. And... dance. You should dance, no matter what. Dance because you want to, Inigo. Dance because it's you.
[ His smile widens, his head swinging lightly; playful, mirth in his movements. ]
Sounds pretty scary but fun, doesn't it?
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post holding is exactly what i do all day at work though
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