[ Sometimes the dumbest conversations start in the most normal situations.
Like when you're both sitting on the floor while you take a slight break from training, higgledies now hopping all around them and chittering among themselves as if it's just a regular thing now. Just their life now.
The two of them are quiet though - for once, just a second - before Inigo pipes up, completely out of the blue: ]
Do you think I should tell Roland that I like guys?
[ Higgledys are good for training, or something, and that's actually true - but also, it's good just to let them out and have fun, in as many numbers as they like to be in. It's a big gym, they're not hurting anyone! Though Tidus is sure not to use Gibbers for anything too exhausting - not when it's for fighting they need food, and there's not going to be any of that for the little guy 'til the start of next month.
There's a lot of other things then to be thinking about. Other things that Tidus is, if watching the higgledys messing around as he does. And then Inigo speaks.
[ Inigo squints just slightly - and just for a moment, like he's trying to figure out what's up with Tidus's odd reaction to that! Why is he dragging out that word like that, huh? ]
Because I don't think he knows?
[ Like Inigo has just missed every sign. He's not even lying or anything. Inigo's tone is much too genuine for that to be the case right now. ]
And it's.. [ His voice trails off. While the last part was easier to say, it looks like this part requires more thought. A hand reaches up, scratching his head through his hair. ] .. It's probably something you share with your parents, right?
[ Right?? He's not sure if Tidus would know, considering he doesn't have that much more experience with parents than Inigo himself, but he figures that by combinining their few braincells they should be able to figure it out. ]
Tidus's expression only becomes more bewildered, and thank blitzball that he has that to think about than the reminder of this whole family shenanigan. Or just the idea of needing to tell one's parents about anything!
... ... Or just Roland, honestly. Why does Roland have to know, dad or not dad. Why tell him anything ever. ]
What about that time he thought we were flirting in the hot springs?
[ Nevertheless, Tidus all the room to continue being bemused. Like, really? Roland doesn't know? Why wouldn't Roland know.
Heck. Is there anyone on the train who doesn't know? Tidus doubts it. ]
Didn't he go on and on back there about "admiring athlete bodies" or something like that?
[ Look, he may not remember very well. He was very much busy wanting to drown in the hot springs out of shock in that moment. The whole thing is a blur. ]
He obviously thought that if I had any interest in you, it was completely-- [ He opens his mouth a few times, uttering random noises, like he's trying to figure out the right word. There's a true thinking frown on his face. ] Plato-- Sportonic!
Sportonic! It's platonic, but in a sports kind of way! [ Somehow this makes sense to him. He says it with such real conviction. Don't doubt this new word he's made up, Tidus! ] Like-- ugh, wait, nevermind! That's not important here!
[ He shakes his head, quickly focusing on the other parts of what Tidus is saying instead.
(Also wow, bro, don't forget about your hot body.) ]
That time in the cinema was just a game! [ You'd expect this to come with some heavy signs of denial.
But there's none. Which must mean Inigo is deadly serious about this too. You don't need a crush to attempt to kiss your bro, clearly. Just a regular thing. ]
Surely Roland realised that too, right? He was just joking about it, because.. [ Inigo seems to think for a moment, before making a vague hand gesture. ] .. that's what people who are sixty-five do?
[ Roland sure does love making weird jokes, after all. Could be an old man thing. ]
[ Well, you know, it was a joke, so Tidus is that surprised by the explanation. It's true, even though now that he thinks about it... didn't that come up a second time? Them kissing...?
Except Inigo goes on, and, his expression will switch from bemused to amused here now. ]
I'm pretty sure Roland knows you're gay. [ But, either way- ] But does it matter right now? What, are you interested in someone?
[ Of course that amused look is met by a slight narrowing of Inigo's eyes as he glances over at the other. ]
You're pretty sure of a lot of things.
[ And usually right, but-- you know. Let's ignore that! There's just no way Roland knows he's gay. It's not like Inigo has ever been showing that in his behaviour!
Though the squint relaxes again a moment after. ]
But no, I'm not. I've just been thinking about it. He was present for the Cassie thing too, you know? I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea. It'd get awkward. Especially with that talk about 'new kinds of attention' before... [ There's only so much pretending he's into girls that he can do. ]
[ What's even the fuss? If the guy isn't interested in someone, then it seems like a nonsensical issue in Inigo's head, which-- probably explains it there. Tidus tilts his head though, starting to yield. ]
What's he promised to do, set you up with a bunch of girls? [ Heh. ] Fine, tell him. But I wouldn't make it a big deal. You like guys, that's who you are.
[ ... ]
But you know you can't be gay and talk about that you might get with a girl if you really had to.
[ Because Tidus hasn't forgotten that dumb conversation. And yes, he will frame it like that. ]
[ His voice rises in volume, enough to make some of the higgledies - though thankfully no other people, since no one else seems to be around right now, thank Naga - turn their heads and look at the two of them, stopping in the middle of bouncing and running around.
It's still enough attention that Inigo becomes aware of his voice though, and he stops, groans, and rubs his face. ]
I'm not going to talk with you about this. You don't understand. [ UGH. Straight men. ]
[ Excuse you, making big deals out of insignificant things is his day job! ]
I can't just-- ugh.
[ For a moment it seems like he might just get more frustrated, but the same thing as ever happens with Inigo. Rather than turning to anger, of course his heart turns towards the sad side of upset instead.
His gaze turns towards the floor. ]
Don't make fun of me. This is really important to me, you know.
[ Even if Inigo thinks so. He's relaxed, and at this point, beyond the teasing part of his reaction. Okay, maybe he's teasing a little. Unable to understand Inigo's worries, but- ]
But isn't that how you should be thinking about it? Relax! I mean - what d'you think's gonna happen next? Is he supposed to do something when he knows?
[ Is there some medieval gay ritual Tidus doesn't know about? ]
[ There's a very, very brief scrutinizing look thrown Tidus's way at that statement.
But Inigo already knows, really. Way before he looks. Tidus wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it - not when Inigo was being serious or upset, anyway. So Inigo exhales, extending his friend that trust that the teasing is over - if not just for now. ]
I don't know. [ It sounds honest, though still a little fussed. ] It's just.. He might think it's odd. I don't know what things are like in his world. It's not even as if there are a lot of guy couples in mine.. I think.
[ Kind of hard to tell when the population has been utterly decimated beyond belief. ]
But if he was a fussed guy, [ and Tidus decides to represent 'a fussed guy' by wiggling his hands held straight in differing directions, ] wouldn't he have made a bigger deal during the movie night? And the hot spring.
Rol can be what you call a straight-edged kinda guy - all work, rules, forgettin' to play - but he's far from judgmental. He doesn't even push on decisions he doesn't agree with.
[ He knocks Inigo on the arm, looking at him with a mouth tugged up. ]
You couldn't tell anything to get that guy to change his mind about you.
I'm not so sure about that. [ He half-mumbles. Not that he thinks Roland isn't a nice guy, the problem isn't with him. Tidus is right. He's not really judgemental. The problem is with Inigo and all the weird, bad, dumb things about him.
He's trying to not slip into that insecurity spiral right now though, and he gives Tidus a half-smile, half-pout as he casts a sideways glance at him. ]
Before you start teasing me again-- you know I'm really grateful for whenever you take my dumb worries seriously, right? [ And for when Tidus tries to reassure him. Especially since he feels it starting to work more often recently. ]
That's what friends are for, right? [ He lifts an arm, sending it around Inigo's shoulders, making it scoot between the space of the wall and him. Come on Inigo, let's get this arm comfy and in place. You're getting the bro shoulder hug. ]
You should talk about them more with people! You get all those worries stuck in your head, and everything starts lookin' a bigger deal than it is. If you had to keep stuff to yourself back home just because, you can be more honest here. Especially to your friends.
[ He tugs on Inigo fondly. ] Not a bad perk for being stuck on a train, huh?
The moment it's in place, Inigo can't help but slightly lean sideways. He's not full on putting his head on Tidus's shoulder and making it sappy, but Inigo is just leaning a little into the hold, leaning against Tidus's side. It's comfortable. Warm.
Maybe it's those factors that make him a bit more honest. That, and an honest attempt at trying to be more open with Tidus to try and prevent dumb misunderstandings. ]
Hmm.. I mean, I do think you're right, it's just-- it still feels odd talking about them around certain people. I actually cried on the platform in full view of everyone, but the way some of my friends reacted was just..
[ He makes a vague hand gesture. ]
.. not bad! But.. you know? [ Just awkward. Just making him feel like chosing to be open about his negative emotions wasn't the right thing to do. ] I think my emotions may be a bit much for some people, maybe.
[ Inigo shakes his head. ]
I trust you with it though. [ Hence why he's saying all of this in the first place right now, rather than keeping that to himself. ]
[ With Inigo shifting in, his arm in a comfortable place, his hand on Inigo's shoulder holds it. Like a slot being properly filled, latched into where it should be. ]
Sorry I wasn't there with you on the platform. [ Sure, they were together later, but - it's an earnest apology all the same. ]
But hey, if you need a good cry, let it out. That's what I think. [ Platform days suck for someone on the train, right? They've got to be used to someone getting upset. …he certainly put on a show the one before. ]
What even happened anyway? [ 'Not bad', but - what else then? ] People just don't know what to do when someone's cryin'?
[ Did Inigo have a full blow out or something along with those tears? ]
[ Although he doesn't mention anything about it out loud, Inigo shakes his head a little at the apology. Not to reject it, but more to just say 'no need to apologize'. He hadn't blamed Tidus for it for a moment, knew that the other had reasons to not want to be there. Not to mention that Tidus readily accepted him the moment Inigo came over to him for some comfort. That meant just as much.
But Tidus's question drags Inigo's mind momentarily back to the present, making him look slightly awkward. ]
No, it's just.. [ His voice trails off, unsure of how to word it, and he pulls his knees up to his chest. ] I was emotional. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said.
[ He realises that's still a little vague. Still explains absolutely nothing. So he sighs, tries again.
His voice is more quiet as he speaks this time. ] I told them that I wished there was some way to make it stop hurting all the time. And that sometimes I'm so tired of it all that I don't know what I'm still going on for.
[ Inigo made sure to not look directly at Tidus as he said any of it, though he glances in his direction now, just a bit. ]
But that's not exactly a fair thing to tell anyone. Of course they had no idea what to say. What would they even be supposed to say to something like that? "Alright, Inigo"? I probably just made them feel bad.
[ The fingers already pressed against Inigo draw him in more, shifts itself in a useless attempt to hold the other guy more. But he's already there in his embrace, well-fitted. It doesn't remove the desire, the want.
And it's worrying, but a strange sort, how so familiar Inigo's words so to Tidus. The him of this past month. His confession stings Tidus for what they are, a friend admitting their despair, wanting to give up. But it's a reminder too, of two lost souls on the bed that platform day. Nowhere to turn. Not knowing what to do. ]
It's tough, [ Tidus says first. ] --on all of us. I'm sure they already felt bad, but for you. They knew you were hurting. People wish as much as you they had an answer, but they don't. There's just nothing we can do but hurt for a while.
[ Strongly, without a break. Without thinking about it, Tidus's head leans for Inigo's -- their pause of training more than just about resting now. Tidus's thoughts drifting, remembering that earlier half of the month. ]
…I wanted to give up too. I... didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't think I had a place on the train. Whatever I did, it wouldn't be for the people who deserved it. All I could think about was that.
[ Inigo's voice is quiet, but it's not like it has to be much louder. Not when they're sitting here this close, Tidus's arm still over his shoulders, their heads leaning against each other. It's easy to turn the conversation a bit more towards Tidus's feelings in this position, especially since that's what Inigo tends to do. Focusing more on other people's emotions, rather than his own.
Maybe it's good that they're able to have this private little moment. It's often so hard to find a moment for those on the train, and it's not like this is something they could discuss with tons of other people around. (The higgledies don't count in this case, really.) ]
I know you've been looking a lot better. [ Especially compared to at first, even before the platform when Gerome left. The way Tidus looked right after Yuna left. The first time Inigo saw him outside of his room, where Tidus looked more ghost than human.
But Inigo, of all people, knows how easy it can be to shove down the most soul-crushing forms of despair and pretend they're not there for the eyes of the world. So.. ] But.. are you feeling even a tiny bit better by now?
But Inigo asks him, and he doesn't want to put aside the question. Not dodge it, though at the same time, it's tricky. Truthfully, if he was to answer... ]
I...don't know. But I know I am. I look forward to spending time with you, and my other friends. I... didn't even want to do that before. It didn't feel right. I was ashamed just thinking about it.
[ Because nobody knew the truth of him, the choices he made. That he didn't think, try harder for the people of Zanarkand. Didn't question if there was another way, only thought about the moment. Because it was difficult, hard to focus on his own mortality-
Even now, it creeps into his ribcage, buries itself there in his chest. Tidus looks at his lap, and in an unsuspecting glimmer--Gibbs appears, planting himself into it. Head tilted back, a cheery squeak coming out from his small mouth.
Tidus scoffs lightly, fondly. Scoots his other free hand around to give Gibbs a proper place to sit as he folds up his legs for him. ]
What about you? [ He tilts his head, barely in Inigo's direction. Not enough to remove where their heads rest against each other. ] What makes you want to go on? Do you know?
[ That was the answer he thought he'd get. And maybe even that he'd hoped for - a more welcome alternative than Tidus still doing that bad, but just hiding it better. Sure, things are still far from perfect, but.. Tidus is trying. He does have things to look forward to, even though everything is still hard.
Inigo doesn't even bat an eye when Gibbs appears a moment later. It's not too surprising, especially with how much experience he has in turn with Jumblie. Gibbs probably appeared out of some need for comfort in Tidus's heart - and so the sight of him is welcome. Inigo knows Gibbs just being there is going to make Tidus feel a tad more okay.
But he doesn't quite want to sit here and do nothing either, so Inigo moves the hand that's usually hanging between the two of them to instead rest on Tidus's upper leg, giving it a small but reassuring squeeze.
Before he can add any words to it though, there's already the question. And while everything inside of Inigo screams for him to avoid it, he knows he can't quite do that. It wouldn't be fair, not with Tidus himself being so honest. ]
.. I'm not sure. [ His gaze turns away from Tidus and the blue higgledy on his lap again. ] Back home I felt like it many times too. When I was struck down, and bled on the ground.. There were times where I thought about it. "I could just not get up." [ It had seemed like such an easy solution in comparison to continuing. ] But every time I did, I thought about how unfair it'd be. I thought about all the people out there who were still struggling for their lives, and how I didn't have the right to abandon them. No matter how tired I was, or how much it hurt. [ So he got up. Even when his heart felt empty, his feet like lead.
He realises Tidus probably won't be able to make sense of all of it, considering he's never properly told the other everything. But he feels something about Tidus's own answer seemed like that too. I was ashamed just thinking about it. Inigo can't quite place what made him ashamed, the reason probably lurking in the parts of their stories they never told each other. ]
And here.. I'm happy whenever I get to spend time with you, or Roland, or Taiki, or others, but.. [ He shakes his head. ] Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep, I'm afraid I'll wake up all alone the next morning.
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blitzcheer) wrote2020-04-28 11:07 am
horseshoe 25
Like when you're both sitting on the floor while you take a slight break from training, higgledies now hopping all around them and chittering among themselves as if it's just a regular thing now. Just their life now.
The two of them are quiet though - for once, just a second - before Inigo pipes up, completely out of the blue: ]
Do you think I should tell Roland that I like guys?
[ He's going to do it anyway.
But might as well check the brovice first. ]
no subject
There's a lot of other things then to be thinking about. Other things that Tidus is, if watching the higgledys messing around as he does. And then Inigo speaks.
And then Tidus is looking at him.
And he's looking at him.
And looking at him. ]
...
........whhhyy.....?
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Because I don't think he knows?
[ Like Inigo has just missed every sign. He's not even lying or anything. Inigo's tone is much too genuine for that to be the case right now. ]
And it's.. [ His voice trails off. While the last part was easier to say, it looks like this part requires more thought. A hand reaches up, scratching his head through his hair. ] .. It's probably something you share with your parents, right?
[ Right?? He's not sure if Tidus would know, considering he doesn't have that much more experience with parents than Inigo himself, but he figures that by combinining their few braincells they should be able to figure it out. ]
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Tidus's expression only becomes more bewildered, and thank blitzball that he has that to think about than the reminder of this whole family shenanigan. Or just the idea of needing to tell one's parents about anything!
... ... Or just Roland, honestly. Why does Roland have to know, dad or not dad. Why tell him anything ever. ]
What about that time he thought we were flirting in the hot springs?
[ Nevertheless, Tidus all the room to continue being bemused. Like, really? Roland doesn't know? Why wouldn't Roland know.
Heck. Is there anyone on the train who doesn't know? Tidus doubts it. ]
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[ Look, he may not remember very well. He was very much busy wanting to drown in the hot springs out of shock in that moment. The whole thing is a blur. ]
He obviously thought that if I had any interest in you, it was completely-- [ He opens his mouth a few times, uttering random noises, like he's trying to figure out the right word. There's a true thinking frown on his face. ] Plato-- Sportonic!
[ Nailed it. ]
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[ You okay there, pal? Actually, back to the topic- ]
Wasn't that me he said that too? 'Cause that's what I was talking about? [ Whatever Inigo was talking is, well, better left forgotten. ]
Also, what about that time in the cinema? Where you were gonna kiss me?
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[ He shakes his head, quickly focusing on the other parts of what Tidus is saying instead.
(Also wow, bro, don't forget about your hot body.) ]
That time in the cinema was just a game! [ You'd expect this to come with some heavy signs of denial.
But there's none. Which must mean Inigo is deadly serious about this too. You don't need a crush to attempt to kiss your bro, clearly. Just a regular thing. ]
Surely Roland realised that too, right? He was just joking about it, because.. [ Inigo seems to think for a moment, before making a vague hand gesture. ] .. that's what people who are sixty-five do?
[ Roland sure does love making weird jokes, after all. Could be an old man thing. ]
no subject
Except Inigo goes on, and, his expression will switch from bemused to amused here now. ]
I'm pretty sure Roland knows you're gay. [ But, either way- ] But does it matter right now? What, are you interested in someone?
[ Is that why he's thinking about this? ]
no subject
You're pretty sure of a lot of things.
[ And usually right, but-- you know. Let's ignore that! There's just no way Roland knows he's gay. It's not like Inigo has ever been showing that in his behaviour!
Though the squint relaxes again a moment after. ]
But no, I'm not. I've just been thinking about it. He was present for the Cassie thing too, you know? I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea. It'd get awkward. Especially with that talk about 'new kinds of attention' before... [ There's only so much pretending he's into girls that he can do. ]
no subject
What's he promised to do, set you up with a bunch of girls? [ Heh. ] Fine, tell him. But I wouldn't make it a big deal. You like guys, that's who you are.
[ ... ]
But you know you can't be gay and talk about that you might get with a girl if you really had to.
[ Because Tidus hasn't forgotten that dumb conversation. And yes, he will frame it like that. ]
no subject
[ His voice rises in volume, enough to make some of the higgledies - though thankfully no other people, since no one else seems to be around right now, thank Naga - turn their heads and look at the two of them, stopping in the middle of bouncing and running around.
It's still enough attention that Inigo becomes aware of his voice though, and he stops, groans, and rubs his face. ]
I'm not going to talk with you about this. You don't understand. [ UGH. Straight men. ]
no subject
Just find out where he is and shout through the door, 'hey Roland, I'm gay!' and then go back to doing whatever.
[ Easy! ]
no subject
I can't just-- ugh.
[ For a moment it seems like he might just get more frustrated, but the same thing as ever happens with Inigo. Rather than turning to anger, of course his heart turns towards the sad side of upset instead.
His gaze turns towards the floor. ]
Don't make fun of me. This is really important to me, you know.
no subject
[ Even if Inigo thinks so. He's relaxed, and at this point, beyond the teasing part of his reaction. Okay, maybe he's teasing a little. Unable to understand Inigo's worries, but- ]
But isn't that how you should be thinking about it? Relax! I mean - what d'you think's gonna happen next? Is he supposed to do something when he knows?
[ Is there some medieval gay ritual Tidus doesn't know about? ]
no subject
But Inigo already knows, really. Way before he looks. Tidus wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it - not when Inigo was being serious or upset, anyway. So Inigo exhales, extending his friend that trust that the teasing is over - if not just for now. ]
I don't know. [ It sounds honest, though still a little fussed. ] It's just.. He might think it's odd. I don't know what things are like in his world. It's not even as if there are a lot of guy couples in mine.. I think.
[ Kind of hard to tell when the population has been utterly decimated beyond belief. ]
no subject
Rol can be what you call a straight-edged kinda guy - all work, rules, forgettin' to play - but he's far from judgmental. He doesn't even push on decisions he doesn't agree with.
[ He knocks Inigo on the arm, looking at him with a mouth tugged up. ]
You couldn't tell anything to get that guy to change his mind about you.
no subject
He's trying to not slip into that insecurity spiral right now though, and he gives Tidus a half-smile, half-pout as he casts a sideways glance at him. ]
Before you start teasing me again-- you know I'm really grateful for whenever you take my dumb worries seriously, right? [ And for when Tidus tries to reassure him. Especially since he feels it starting to work more often recently. ]
no subject
You should talk about them more with people! You get all those worries stuck in your head, and everything starts lookin' a bigger deal than it is. If you had to keep stuff to yourself back home just because, you can be more honest here. Especially to your friends.
[ He tugs on Inigo fondly. ] Not a bad perk for being stuck on a train, huh?
no subject
The moment it's in place, Inigo can't help but slightly lean sideways. He's not full on putting his head on Tidus's shoulder and making it sappy, but Inigo is just leaning a little into the hold, leaning against Tidus's side. It's comfortable. Warm.
Maybe it's those factors that make him a bit more honest. That, and an honest attempt at trying to be more open with Tidus to try and prevent dumb misunderstandings. ]
Hmm.. I mean, I do think you're right, it's just-- it still feels odd talking about them around certain people. I actually cried on the platform in full view of everyone, but the way some of my friends reacted was just..
[ He makes a vague hand gesture. ]
.. not bad! But.. you know? [ Just awkward. Just making him feel like chosing to be open about his negative emotions wasn't the right thing to do. ] I think my emotions may be a bit much for some people, maybe.
[ Inigo shakes his head. ]
I trust you with it though. [ Hence why he's saying all of this in the first place right now, rather than keeping that to himself. ]
no subject
Sorry I wasn't there with you on the platform. [ Sure, they were together later, but - it's an earnest apology all the same. ]
But hey, if you need a good cry, let it out. That's what I think. [ Platform days suck for someone on the train, right? They've got to be used to someone getting upset. …he certainly put on a show the one before. ]
What even happened anyway? [ 'Not bad', but - what else then? ] People just don't know what to do when someone's cryin'?
[ Did Inigo have a full blow out or something along with those tears? ]
just in case cw: some vague depression themes
But Tidus's question drags Inigo's mind momentarily back to the present, making him look slightly awkward. ]
No, it's just.. [ His voice trails off, unsure of how to word it, and he pulls his knees up to his chest. ] I was emotional. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said.
[ He realises that's still a little vague. Still explains absolutely nothing. So he sighs, tries again.
His voice is more quiet as he speaks this time. ] I told them that I wished there was some way to make it stop hurting all the time. And that sometimes I'm so tired of it all that I don't know what I'm still going on for.
[ Inigo made sure to not look directly at Tidus as he said any of it, though he glances in his direction now, just a bit. ]
But that's not exactly a fair thing to tell anyone. Of course they had no idea what to say. What would they even be supposed to say to something like that? "Alright, Inigo"? I probably just made them feel bad.
no subject
And it's worrying, but a strange sort, how so familiar Inigo's words so to Tidus. The him of this past month. His confession stings Tidus for what they are, a friend admitting their despair, wanting to give up. But it's a reminder too, of two lost souls on the bed that platform day. Nowhere to turn. Not knowing what to do. ]
It's tough, [ Tidus says first. ] --on all of us. I'm sure they already felt bad, but for you. They knew you were hurting. People wish as much as you they had an answer, but they don't. There's just nothing we can do but hurt for a while.
[ Strongly, without a break. Without thinking about it, Tidus's head leans for Inigo's -- their pause of training more than just about resting now. Tidus's thoughts drifting, remembering that earlier half of the month. ]
…I wanted to give up too. I... didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't think I had a place on the train. Whatever I did, it wouldn't be for the people who deserved it. All I could think about was that.
[ ... ] It didn't feel right.
no subject
[ Inigo's voice is quiet, but it's not like it has to be much louder. Not when they're sitting here this close, Tidus's arm still over his shoulders, their heads leaning against each other. It's easy to turn the conversation a bit more towards Tidus's feelings in this position, especially since that's what Inigo tends to do. Focusing more on other people's emotions, rather than his own.
Maybe it's good that they're able to have this private little moment. It's often so hard to find a moment for those on the train, and it's not like this is something they could discuss with tons of other people around. (The higgledies don't count in this case, really.) ]
I know you've been looking a lot better. [ Especially compared to at first, even before the platform when Gerome left. The way Tidus looked right after Yuna left. The first time Inigo saw him outside of his room, where Tidus looked more ghost than human.
But Inigo, of all people, knows how easy it can be to shove down the most soul-crushing forms of despair and pretend they're not there for the eyes of the world. So.. ] But.. are you feeling even a tiny bit better by now?
no subject
But Inigo asks him, and he doesn't want to put aside the question. Not dodge it, though at the same time, it's tricky. Truthfully, if he was to answer... ]
I...don't know. But I know I am. I look forward to spending time with you, and my other friends. I... didn't even want to do that before. It didn't feel right. I was ashamed just thinking about it.
[ Because nobody knew the truth of him, the choices he made. That he didn't think, try harder for the people of Zanarkand. Didn't question if there was another way, only thought about the moment. Because it was difficult, hard to focus on his own mortality-
Even now, it creeps into his ribcage, buries itself there in his chest. Tidus looks at his lap, and in an unsuspecting glimmer--Gibbs appears, planting himself into it. Head tilted back, a cheery squeak coming out from his small mouth.
Tidus scoffs lightly, fondly. Scoots his other free hand around to give Gibbs a proper place to sit as he folds up his legs for him. ]
What about you? [ He tilts his head, barely in Inigo's direction. Not enough to remove where their heads rest against each other. ] What makes you want to go on? Do you know?
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Inigo doesn't even bat an eye when Gibbs appears a moment later. It's not too surprising, especially with how much experience he has in turn with Jumblie. Gibbs probably appeared out of some need for comfort in Tidus's heart - and so the sight of him is welcome. Inigo knows Gibbs just being there is going to make Tidus feel a tad more okay.
But he doesn't quite want to sit here and do nothing either, so Inigo moves the hand that's usually hanging between the two of them to instead rest on Tidus's upper leg, giving it a small but reassuring squeeze.
Before he can add any words to it though, there's already the question. And while everything inside of Inigo screams for him to avoid it, he knows he can't quite do that. It wouldn't be fair, not with Tidus himself being so honest. ]
.. I'm not sure. [ His gaze turns away from Tidus and the blue higgledy on his lap again. ] Back home I felt like it many times too. When I was struck down, and bled on the ground.. There were times where I thought about it. "I could just not get up." [ It had seemed like such an easy solution in comparison to continuing. ] But every time I did, I thought about how unfair it'd be. I thought about all the people out there who were still struggling for their lives, and how I didn't have the right to abandon them. No matter how tired I was, or how much it hurt. [ So he got up. Even when his heart felt empty, his feet like lead.
He realises Tidus probably won't be able to make sense of all of it, considering he's never properly told the other everything. But he feels something about Tidus's own answer seemed like that too. I was ashamed just thinking about it. Inigo can't quite place what made him ashamed, the reason probably lurking in the parts of their stories they never told each other. ]
And here.. I'm happy whenever I get to spend time with you, or Roland, or Taiki, or others, but.. [ He shakes his head. ] Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep, I'm afraid I'll wake up all alone the next morning.
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post holding is exactly what i do all day at work though
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